Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

My penchant for unemotional sex and my busy work life had left me steering clear of relationships until I finally took the plunge. My first girlfriend was an old friend with benefits who became a friend when she went off to college. We ended up talking every day and shared the most intimate parts of our lives. We started dating in January and it blew up in our faces a week before Valentine's Day due to, shall we say, emotional cheating and interference from a guy friend on her part.

Cutting the cord was easy, and I walked out of her apartment crying but then a little while later I started experiencing all the usual feelings I'd seen my friends go through. Previously I shrugged it off as them wallowing in their own self-pity, but I understand how little the platitudes like "there's plenty more out there" really mean when you are single-mindedly focused on that one person. I hit the gym, lost 20lbs, am in the best shape of my life and am working harder than ever. But still feel incomplete, even after some good rebound sex with another girl.

I also wonder, does my wanting her back have to do with me really liking her or my own feelings of rejection and loss?

Focus: Share your first, or worst breakup story. How long did it take you to recover? What did you do to get over it?

 

One of the few social benefits of being a fairly big introvert is that breakups are easier to get over. Being alone isn't unpleasant, and so you don't have this underlying emotional need to be around other people (including your now-ex) in the getting-over-it phase.

I have a buddy who is nearly as stoic as I am, but his fiancee of many years left him about two months before the wedding. Despite having a professional, customer-facing job, he walked around for a year with hair that looked like he was auditioning for a role in The Endless Summer 3 and three days' growth on him like he was auditioning for a role in Miami Vice. He also bought an impractical car and I'm pretty sure he banged a couple of his ex's friends just out of spite.

But he eventually got a haircut, started shaving again, traded in the impractical car for an SUV, stopped having hate-sex, and is more-or-less back to normal. He is still avoiding anything like a committed relationship, but I think that's probably to be expected.

 

I dated a girl for only two or three months and the relationship was a disaster. The breakup itself was also bad but there's no real story there.

The kicker is that I've been having dreams about her a a couple times a month ever since that breakup. We broke up 10 months ago. The worst part is I'm totally over her—I've internalized that our relationship was toxic and the only redeeming aspects of it were physical, I don't think I'd really want to see her again given the chance, and I'm now in a healthy relationship with an awesome girl. Yet I can't convince my subconscious to keep this ex out of my brain. It's exhausting and so annoying.

 

I had dreams about being back together with this girl and when I woke up, I never felt so depressed. She later told me she had nightmares around the same time, of me hunting her down and chasing her trying to kill her. I'm not sure what's worse.

 

When I ended my one and only nightmare relationship, bitchface responded by pushing me backwards ass over teakettle down the full flight of steep stairs of her duplex, then smashed a ceramic bowl over my head as I was trying to get up. Her ded restrained her so I could escape.

What did it take to get over ending it? A COLD FUCKING SHOWER. That is all that it should take when you take that kind of abuse.

 

I've been with the same girl for three years now. There was a gap of a year between this relationship and my last one. Even with a four year separation, my ex still shows up in my dreams.

She and I were together, cumulatively, for a little over three years (with an 8 month break in there). When you're with someone for that long--as cheesy as it sounds--they really do become a part of you. You may never conciously think about them, but even the slightest association in your dreams can bring them around again.

Spoiler

I should also note that this particular ex owns the breakup that affected me the most and fucked me up for a good while. She was honest, and said that she wanted to experience other people. Knowing full-well that "other people" meant, "I know exactly who I'm going to fuck," hurt like crazy. It would've made more sense if we had a shitty relationship, but things were good. I say that even the sex was good--we banged like rabbits--but apparently she wanted to see if there was anything more out there.

The 8 months we were apart, I was never over her, despite dating someone else--a bandaid relationship which only reinforced how much I missed her. Around month 7, after banging her way around town and through a men's volleyball for a little while, she realized that there's more than sex again, that I treated her better than anyone else, and she wanted me back. Like a fool, I went back--broke up with the other girl, breaking her heart in the process. I was overjoyed to be back with her.

It lasted nine months the second time. We went to different schools and she called me one night to say she cheated. It was one of those defining moments for me, though. She had this hold over me for so long and when she told me what had happened, I didn't feel anything. Not because I was in shock, but because I knew it was over and that I'd never give her the chance to fuck with me again.

Spoiler summary:
Same girl, two breakups. First one fucked me up hard. She wanted to fuck other people. Chose to cope by dating someone else. Mistake. Soon after, ex wanted me back, so I broke up with really sweet girl to go back. Shortly thereafter, ex cheated, we broke up again. I chose the "fuck that" stance and got over it immediately. Growth...I has it.

 

Spoiler

First relationship, I was 14. She broke up with me for reasons I don't remember. I literally said "Can we try dating again, please?" Still owe myself an ass-kicking for that. Got back together, had an encounter that would best be described as "the MOST awkward sex ever without actual penetration", she said she was pregnant, I freaked and broke it off while promising to find a job to help support. She moved to another state and I didn't hear from her for two years. I got over it by finding out, after the breakup, that she had been the whore of our class. When I did hear from her again, it was via facebook, and basically consisted of her doing the bait (I'm coming into town, want to fuck) and switch (I have two kids by two different men, I'm married but separated, want to try dating again). I got over this one by realizing she was crazy as all Hell, and confirming neither child was mine.

Second, and last relationship. We dated two weeks, she tried to make me commit drunk rape on a bed in front of four other people after she had chugged a bottle of vodka; I didn't do it, she she went and fucked her ex. I got over this one by realizing she wasn't all that hot, and was also crazy. She now does self-scar art and enjoys doing the occasional suspension

I short, I've had two relationships, both ending badly enough that I pretty much left one of my nuts with each girl for a while. Got over the individual girls, spent years being bitter and butthurt and scared to talk to women. It's not that I'm afraid of rejection, because God knows you become somewhat immune to it after enough years; its that with very few exceptions, every woman I've shown interest in has turned out to be a cold, manipulative bitch who by her actions seems to enjoy treating me like absolute shit.

Now I've matured to the point where I can hide my remaining insecurities while actually engaging with people. I still refuse to go out to anywhere looking for pussy or dating, though. Too little living, too much learning (obsessing) what I have lived.

I do occasionally wish I had fucked that second one. She was into floggers and such, and from what I hear that kind of crazy is a whirlwind of arousal and passion in the sack.

 

My most dramatic breakup was when I called off an engagement less than 12 hours after the diamond went on my finger. We had been talking marriage for months when he was relocated for work. So we bought a house (he paid, I picked it out) and because I was still in school, made the 8 hour drive every weekend that I could. Six months later, while I was there for a week (spring break), he surprised me with a ring. Neither of us wanted a long engagement so we immediately started throwing wedding ideas around and that's when shit went south. We had very different religious views but we adopted the "you respect my beliefs and I'll respect yours" rule. Instead of coming to an agreement about where (and by whom), he starts throwing out ultimatums. To make a long story short, it came down to him not being willing to compromise and I saw that the wedding would just be the start. How we would raise our kids, etc. etc. Basically, no matter how we felt about each other or how great the sex was... we just weren't right for each other. I took the ring off, laid it on our bed, packed my shit and left. A couple months later (for reasons unrelated) I called him - we talked for awhile, then he told me he was going to be a daddy and "oh, I kinda got married last weekend". We broke up in April, the baby was born in November the same year. Another woman was pregnant with his child when he proposed to me. Good call Rainbow. Good call.

 

December 09 I started a relationship with one of the barmaids at the bar I work(ed) at..
You can already see where this is going.

Fast forward a year later and we've broken, I'm still her supervisor so bossing her around became even more of an issue than before. Every shift we had together (which was a lot, especially over christmas) were filled with tension, arguments over ridiculous things, arguments over big things.. all in front of the customers.

The situation was already out of hand. Neither of us were going to give in and quit the bar but working together just wasn't working.
So I did what any person in my position would do. In a spur of a moment decision I booked a flight to India for 5 months and haven't looked back since

 

You took off the ring and left without a word? I'm fairly certain this is one of the most passive aggressive maneuvers ever made during a relationship.

Focus: I was in a relationship for three and a half years but too much of a pussy to pull the trigger when I realized that it was going nowhere (about two and a half years through). By the time we did break up, there was little emotion on either side and we both went out separate ways. I wasn't even that bothered when she told me, a couple weeks later, that she was sleeping with four different guys and trying to get into a relationship with one of them. I laughed a little bit and then went on a year of whoring around myself.

Interesting enough, I was more affected by a quick, three month relationship, when it ended, than the long one. She is, by all standards, a nine and a half. Small ass, huge, perky boobs and is an all round fun person to be around. She left for Europe after three months and I've only talked to her on the random occasion. I guess it's more the lack of closure from that than anything that burns the most. I still think of her, every now and then but I'm sufficiently distracted by the MILF I'm casually seeing. I get over relationships fairly easy, for the most part, drink my face off for a night, sleep with a random and get on with my life.

 

I'm the last person to be judging relationship maneuvers but I don't see the problem with this, the way she described it. Sometimes you just need to get the fuck out.

 

That was the very condensed version... believe me, there were plenty of words said and because it was very late at night, I didn't leave until the next morning. It wasn't like I threw my clothes in a suitcase and bolted in a fury right then, the whole conversation was surprisingly civil. Had I known about the pregnant girl on the side, it wouldn't have been that way.

 

This is off scope of the thread but do you have any ability to give even the smallest iota of respect towards another human being? This is such a cowards way out of things, just running away like that*.

does not equal

*Apparently, fingers forgot to add the rest of the story.

 

Focus: Share your first, or worst breakup story. How long did it take you to recover? What did you do to get over it?

Well, we broke up. Then got back together. Then broke up again. Then got back together again. Then broke up again. Then got back together again. The process repeated itself for approximately two years.

I think this is legitimately the most painful way to go about a breakup. The "breaking up" process was brutal each time- the name-calling, the emotional daggers being hurled at your soft spots, the declarations of hatred, the division of mutual friends, the crying, the binge drinking, the scarfing of comfort foods, the awkwardness of having to cohabitate with the person who makes you miserable beyond belief...oh yes, it was bad. And it got worse each time. No one should go through that more than once (maybe twice in special instances) with the same person. It's literally soul-wrecking. Even after making up and going through several months of a sweet & calm "honeymoon period," you still aren't entirely healed from the damage caused by the most recent breakup. So when the time came for yet another breakup, I was still emotionally wounded and ready to lash out at the person making me so sad. It was ugly, and I am now a big fan of the Band-Aid approach to breakups: Rip that shit off quickly so it'll hurt less.

Some things I did to get over it:
-Started running. Pushing myself to the point of puking was literally the only way to stop my mind from thinking about him/us some days.
-Aversion therapy- any thought of him/us was "punished" with something. Housework, pushups, yardwork, calling my most annoying friend and making lunch plans, organizing my dresser drawers & closet by color and sleeve length, etc.
-Crying. A lot.
-Moved 1,000 miles away.
-Sex with randoms
-Talked about him/us to a trusted friend...I mean, I talked it to death
-Joined several new internet messageboards

We dated for ~5 years, and it took me about one year to totally get over him. It'd been dying a slow death for a while, which helped. But it was still difficult and scary and I definitely feel bad for anyone who had to talk to me during that time period. But you know what? He's dating someone else now, and I'm genuinely happy for him. We don't speak to each other anymore, but he seems so much happier with her than he was with me. If I ran across him tomorrow, I think I could sincerely wish him the best with all my heart.

 

I have an awesome breakup story from back in High School that is partially my fault, but more hers. The signs were there, I just chose to ignore them. Spoil for length (I kind of like telling this story):

Spoiler

I worked with this (sign 1) girl for a while at the same fitness club where we both lifeguarded while we were both young and stupid seniors. We decided to start dating after we had made out a few times and figured we might as well make it relationship status. She was in a different school about 45 min away where she had more enemies than friends (sign 2). Because of this, she had her car broken into a lot and had a few legal matters that she was dealing with (sign 3). Everything is going fine for about 2 months when she decides to inform me that some freshman is hitting on her during class (sign 4). I brush it off and tell her to deal with it because I was in another school and couldn't do anything about it. A few days later, she tells me that this freshman is doing it more and grabbing her and spreading false rumors about her. This starts to piss me off, but again, I can't do anything. A the weekend rolls around and I end up at her house where she proceeds to call this kid so I can talk to him. I tell him to stop whatever he's doing or there will be consequences. He deny's and tells me that she is the one doing everything to him. Uh huh, sure kid. Anyway, convo ends. The next week, she tells me he's spreading rumors about how she would bang him in her car during lunch and stupid crap like that, so I get fed up and drive over to her school to pick her up, then to the kids bus stop so I can meet the kid face to face. The bus rolls up, the kid jumps out with a couple of his friends, and see me and her, so they start running home. Game set, match, I win.

Or so I thought. A month goes by and nothing happens until one random Sunday night when I get a call from the police in the girls town saying I need to come in for questioning. I have no idea what is going on. So I get there and they take me into the interrogation room and handcuff me to the chair. Fuck me, I'm scared shitless at this point, still have no idea what's going on. The officer comes in and starts asking me all these questions about her and this freshman kid and what my intentions were when I went to his bus stop. I knew the consequences if I were to hit the kid, so obviously I knew not to, but the po-po didn't believe me. So he tells me I'm facing 3 months in jail for attempted assault...I'm almost 18 so I would be tried as an adult. Fucking a. So copper leaves the room to talk to the kid and his mom. He comes back in and tells me that they'd drop all charges if I agree to stay away from the kid. Of course I agree. As he uncuffs me I ask him what the real story was with this kid and my girl, so he pretty much spills the beans and tells me that she was hitting on him and spreading rumors and all kinds of shit to get some attention the entire time. Fuck that, relationship over.

Shitty thing is, I had her ID in my wallet, so I had to get it back to her, and I don't trust the post office with something like that, so I agree to meet her to give it back. She goes on and on about how sorry she is and she hopes we can still be together. I laugh, say "fuck you", then leave forever.

Short: Girl almost got me sent to jail for a few months because she was an attention whore. Got over that bitch real quick. Learned what a crazy girl is like and won't ever do it again.

 

I went through the most painful breakup of my life last fall. Everything was great for the first year or so, we were young, in love and around the year mark had a baby boy on the way. (MY third her second). Our mixed family, exes included all happily got along and we would all hang out on the occasion. I popped the question with a bad ass ring in the middle of March. From there all hell broke loose. She miscarried the baby, accused me (falsely) of cheating on her, starting treating my kids differently than her's, etc. So finally I did what any sane man would've done and cut all ties with her after she got nutty. Do I regret it? Someday's but it just wasn't meant to be. I'm still not over it and just choose to act like she does not exist at all even though we live one town apart and I see her on a weekly basis. I'm not sad or bitter or angry anymore. I'm actually kind of happy to have gained such life experience even if it was hard and tumultuous. I'm obviously over the initial shock later but still can't bring myself to have a "normal" or serious relationship. It's been nothing but serial dating and random hookups since.

 

Among other things yes. Hah.

 

My worst breakup was at the end of my sophomore year of college (~3 years ago), with the Angry Ex. After almost a year of double standards, a few too many drunked outbursts, and a hole punched through the bathroom wall, I gave him an ultimatum: treat me as an equal or we're done. And then it was over. I figured out about five minutes later that he was silly drunk for the entire "discussion," and I figured out when he visited my work every day for the next week that he didn't really believe I'd leave him.

I don't think I've yet recovered. I've dated since, but I'm always wary and quick to get rid of a guy - I broke up with one because he left me a voicemail stating that he "enjoyed our time together" instead of just saying he liked hanging out, another because he refused to come to my house after my mother called him and his parents stupid (he only had an associate's degree, and neither of his parents passed the Georgia Bar upon completion of law school), and another because he fished for sexual compliments. I also slept with the ex for about 8 months after our breakup just to spite his old/new girlfriend.

I'm not over "it" - what he did to me - but I'm over him. All it took was reminding myself that I won't wake up at 30 and realize I ballooned into a fatty, married a cow because I knocked her up, and got stuck working a corporate tech job that won't let me go until I'm obselete or dead, and I felt fine. Then again, I have a habit of dating aimless losers that look pretty through their twenties and then chunk up after we part ways, so my method may not work for everyone.

 

So how exactly does this make someone stupid?