Come snuggle with me...

Both of my attempts at long distance relationships ended terribly. They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" when they really mean "out of sight, out of mind."

Unless both parties are whole-heartedly committed to abstaining from any physical contact with the opposite sex while that far apart, it won't work. I had a girl friend in high school who couldn't stay faithful, and we lived an hour apart.

 

I am guilty of this. It was a bad idea in the sense that my ego got the best of me, and I turned into a cheat. I am not proud of this, but it happened.

In my mind at the time I thought it was great, I would get some action at school, and then when I came home, I had something guaranteed there too. Looking back, it was a terrible thing to do.

However there are 2 types of long distance relationships. There is the College Long Distance, which is where you are gone, and there is no real future going on, but you come home for holidays, and summer and then talk on the phone with your girlfriend/boyfriend at home, and generally not socialize (That part wasn't me. I was awesome)

And then the "I am going to be gone for a few months, but I will be coming back here" types, such as a soldier deployed, or having to work from another city for a short time. These can generally work if you have been together a while already, and are a bit more mature.

 

My sophomore year of high school I dated a foreign exchange student from Holland. 6 month relationship while she was here, I was 15/16, she was 18; first girl I ever slept with, only girl for me, blah blah. Then she moved back. We decided to try to make things work, and they did. For about a month. Then my friends pulled my head out of my ass and made me realize that while she was probably being faithful to me (at least I tell myself that), there were too many fish to fry here at home for me to be tied down to a girl an ocean away. Fuck that shit.

 

In my experience, don't. Save yourself the trouble, and don't do it. You go into it thinking, "We'll make this work. Distance makes the heart grow fonder." You come out of it thinking, "I've got to start fishing in the local pond."

In college, I had a long distance girlfriend (about 80 miles away) for a good amount of the time. When things worked, they worked well. We talked a few times every day on the phone or online, said good night, etc. We'd switch off visiting one another every weekend. Admitedly, things didn't end up working out because she cheated on me and wanted to pursue other people. Ouch. But inevitably, whatever. Aside from the cheating thing, there was a feeling (we both talked about this afterwards) that at times we felt restricted. Not just from banging that hot blonde at the bar who was giving me drunk "fuck me" eyes, but that it felt more like a restriction on our lives. We weren't living in a relationship, we were living with one.

Underneath all of the smiles and laughs and great sex and compatibility, etc, etc, there was a burden that we both were weighed down with that we couldn't really understand until it was over. A regular relationship requires work, a relationship with mileage in between is twice as hard because the communication and interaction are so terribly intangible the majority of the time. You're with someone, but you're not. It's like having a really good friend who you ocassionally have sex with. Intimacy--real intimacy--is difficult.

Trust is another huge factor. Without trust, your distance relationship is doomed to fail. There's no way around it. Period. Again, regular relationships require strong trust as well. Distance relationships put that trust through the ringer at times.

In the end, you need to decide if it's worth it for both of you to deny yourselves of each other for long periods of time. In a distance relationship there is a lot of time apart and a lot of tests of your willpower. That's the toughest part, because without a doubt, within the first month there will be at least one fantastic situation that will present itself that will destroy the relationship if you don't walk away.

I wish anyone that's willing to give it a try the best of luck, but it's certainly not easy, not by any stretch.

 

My parents early relationship was long distance. They met when my father was 22 and my mother 19. They were barely together for a lot of time since my father was a field engineer and constantly traveled all over the place until he got a managing job several years later. I think they can work, it just depends on the people. I personally wouldn't though.

 

I'm in one right now. It's a nightmare, but not for the obvious reasons.

How we make it work: 1) Utter and sometimes brutal honesty. I have absolute trust in this woman, mostly because of our history of complete disclosure. 2) A constant stream of emails, chat and Skype sessions. Phone calls are for emergencies and important conversations. If we can't talk, day to day, we write letters to be emailed later. 3)A very finite amount of time apart and a very definite plan for what happens when that time ends. 4) We refuse to talk about certain issues until we are face-to-face. 5) A strong relationship before we got split apart (we were planning on moving in together). 6) A long leash, and a clear understanding of what the other person needs to know about one's interactions with the opposite sex (ie, she doesn't want to know every time I have coffee with a girl, I don't want to know every time someone hits on her).

I feel like our situation is unique, and I have a friend who's been long-distance with his girl on/off for 6 years. They can work, they just don't more often than not. I believe my exact statement was: "This is the hell of being alone, without the freedom of being single."

 

My wife did a year in Belgium while we were still dating/engaged. She had the job lined up before we met, so it wasn't her leaving while with me. We wouldn't have done it then, but I think it was a great thing for her to do. She'll never have that opportunity of living/working in Europe and being able to see so many new countries again, so I encouraged her to go have fun. It was a shitty situation, but you do what you can with it. Instead of saying she won't be back for 10 months, we'd just look at the short term. We did a lot of 2 months until you're here, 5 weeks until I'm out there stuff. You just take it piece by piece to help as much as you can. You do have to be dedicated to each other though. I knew she was someone special that I wanted to work through this with. Also we were both out of college and working, so I think that helps. If I was in college, it'd be a lot harder not seeing my girlfriend for 4 months. She's now been home almost 2 years and we've been married for 7 months. Looking back it flew by, but during it was a little rough.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 3 years and we started out long distance. We were both at school and he was 4 hours away from me. He would drive to see me about twice a month and I would drive to see him about once every other month. It wasn't very equal, but it's what worked for us. He went to school in Bumblefuck, PA and I went to school in Philly so there was alot more to do where I was anyway. I can't really pinpoint what made it work between us...I guess the fact that we trusted each other and we had our own lives and activities going on at school. I graduated a semester before him, got my own place and then I would drive to see him more frequently.

We're still semi-long distance...he lives about an hour away from me but his job is halfway between where I live and where he lives so he stays over alot. As soon as he gets a better job, he's going to look for a place closer to me and I'll move in with him.

Long distance sucks, but I realize it really makes us enjoy the time we spend together and since he stays at my place so often, it makes us see what living with each other would be like before we actually take that step. People in long distance relationships just have to trust each other and secure with who they are.

 

The first year and a half of my relationship with my girlfriend was long-distance. I lived in Philly and she lived in Richmond, VA. We visited each other every weekend, Philly one weekend, Richmond the next. The best weekends where when we met in DC/No. Virgina and stayed at a friend's place or her sister's apartment. It worked for us - it was hard and that drive sucked after a while, but we knew early on that what we had was pretty real & the long distance would not last forever. She moved up to Philly and we have been together for 5 years.

It can work, but you do have to work at it & it has to be a relationship that you both want to make work.

 

I've been through two long distance relationships. The first was a super long distance relationship, with me being in the Midwest, and him being in the UK. It was working well (or so I thought), with visiting every couple months, online talks, phone calls, etc. To the point I put in for a fiancee Visa for him. Well, found out he never filed his part when I called INS to see what the hold up was. To me, that was the end. If you can't fill out a simple form (I had actually helped him fill out 75% of it when I was over there for what would be the last time) with about 10 blanks left, don't get on the plane. Maybe evil of me, but he was scheduled to fly in in three days. Told him not to bother.

Second, he was in Albany, NY, and I was in IL. To this day, we remain friends. It was simply a combination of distance, lives moving in different directions, all kinds of things. But it was an amicable breakup. To the point that he had vacation he needed to use a couple years ago, and came to visit myself & my BF (who he also knew, and liked). He stayed in our spare room, we went out together, all that good stuff. He got married last year, unfortunately I couldn't attend the wedding, but I have talked online & on the phone to his now wife.

I truly believe if we were madly in love (we both admit we weren't), #2 could have worked. But although we remain very close friends, that whole "I can't live without you vibe" was never part of our relationship. So rather than stress over it, we both said, "Hey, let's quit this while we're good about it, and stay friends."

Each person is different, and I know a lot of my friends thought I was insane. But it worked for me (for a while at least), and I believe with the right mindset AND the right person, it can work.

 

I have a feeling 90% of the posts here are going to be, "I was in a long distance relationship for X years, it didn't work out, long distance relationships aren't worth it."

That being said, I was "with" a girl most of my freshman year of college (at college). It was one of those weird are we dating/are we not dating/what are we sort of things that we never really talked about (because of her and her rather sizable trust issues). When summer came we left on no certain terms, and while I didn't go nuts I hooked up with a few girls and I'm pretty sure she did the same (I know she had a rather odd lesbian encounter SHUT UP). Anyway, I happened to be in Connecticut for a few days one week in the summer, and she drove down (from RI) to see me and we fucked and la la la. But when we got back to school everything seemed really weird between us, we fucked a few times but then we both started seeing other people while fucking on and off until the spring, where we both ended up getting into relationships.

On that note, I agree that it's more often going to work between people with a definite plan (military gents and the like), and much less likely when it's a play-it-by-ear sort of thing. If you aren't sure of the future, or it's indefinite if/when you'll be moving back together, it's probably not going to end well, and you're probably better off breaking it off and remaining friends rather than the inevitable fallout.

 

WARNING: RANT ENSUES

I'm am not and have never been in the military. I do have a multitude of friends in the service though and the general consensus with them is that if they leave (or when they left) they either proposed to or dumped their significant other. I have seen this work, and I have also seen cases when the girl gets knocked up while her soldier is away. I hate hate hate cheating, and don't understand how someone could do it. That being said, hooking up at a bar while your 22 and your boyfriend is at home that night is one thing, while cheating on the soldier your committed to is another. It infuriates me when I hear about a soldier who comes home only to find the person who he thought about and helped him to get through his tour has been fucking around on him. I'm not discouraging people from trying to make the distance work, but make sure you know what you want before your man gets shipped off to a hellhole to get shot at. The last thing he needs when he gets back is to deal with that shit.

 

Well this thread's timing is good (or really, really shitty depending on how you look at it) for me. My girlfriend of 2.5-3ish years and I broke up 3 weeks ago. The first 2 years or so of our relationship were distance. When we started dating, I was 18 and she was 16. We went to the same high school (in Minneapolis) but, my freshman year of college, I went to Boston University. The only time I saw her first semester was over Thanksgiving but we saw each other a little more often second semester (a bit less than once a month). Unfortunately, I had to transfer after my freshman year because I just don't have $50,000 a year sitting around- I transferred to the University of Wisconsin- Madison. It's basically a 4ish hour drive from Minneapolis. It was also the school that she had wanted to go to since she was 8 years old (although that truly had 0 effect on my decision of where to transfer, since it was fairly limited because of cost and actually going to a very good school). So last year (my sophomore year), we saw each other more often than when I had been in Boston but definitely not over the top; about every 3 weeks or so. She is currently a freshman here in Madison. Like I said before, we broke up 3 weeks ago.

Was distance even remotely a direct or indirect cause of any of the reasons that we broke up? Definitely not. Neither of us cheated on the other one, although I had had plenty of opportunities to and I would assume that she did, too. We also never really talked about marriage, the distant future, etc. The relationship, even when it was distance, was a "this is fun, even though distance sucks ass, so why end it if it's working and makes us happy?" with no plans one way or the other for the future. And know that it's as hard everyone says it is.

Basically, distance worked for us. Without a plan for the future. That being said, I don't think I would ever do distance again unless I was very serious with the person before the possibility of distance ever arose. Distance can work, it's just hard as fuck and takes both a certain type of person and a certain type of relationship. My advice on distance? Trust the person significantly before you go into it. And trust yourself, for that matter- cheating is just a dick thing to do, especially when you're X-thousand miles away from the other person.

But, going against the grain of most of the posts here, it WAS worth it. Even though it was a play-it-by-ear sort of thing. Then again, I'm still pretty shaken up over the whole break up and my opinion could change once I'm over her.

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years now. We haven't lived in the same state for that entire time, although we've lived anywhere from five hours to an hour and a half apart. The biggest thing that people need to realize about long distance relationships is that you have to work for it. If you're not going to put in the time to make that phone call, write that email, or just sign yourself in to Gchat so you can say hey between classes, it's not going to work for you. We talk on a daily basis, and we try to see each other as many weekends as we can manage.

You also have to really evaluate whether your needs can be met without being able to see each other all the time. Do you need to cry on a shoulder when you're having a bad day? Not for you. Can you trust somebody to go have a study session with that girl you've never met? If you can't, don't even try. I think people focus a lot on the trust that you have to have in a LDR, and I think that's a major issue, but I think the honesty, both with your partner and with yourself, about what needs you have to have met with the relationship is the bigger issue.

That said, we make it work. Our relationship is not without its flaws, and we've gone through periods of strain that are hard, but we both are honest about when things are good and when things are bad, where we feel like the other person needs to pick up the slack, and about what we need to work on ourselves. But I don't know that most people are equipped to handle long-distance dating.

edited to add:

I thought this was a point that deserved addressing. I think that long distance relationships work best when you're at a point that you're thinking about your future. Would I have done this at 19? Fuck no. At 19, all I wanted to do was go to parties, drink shitty beer out of Solo Cups, and kiss cute boys. At 25, I'm past that. I think emotional maturity is important for dating someone long distance, but I also think getting the "sow your oats and explore the world" phase out of your system is important too.

 

I go long distance 4 months of the year, usually seeing her every 6 weeks or so as schedules permit. It sucks spending 1/3rd of your time apart. If me and the ball and chain don't break up, it looks like we'll be apart for at least 6 months, if not more, after graduation. This is because of the career I'm going into.

We work it out, though, mostly because 4 months isn't that long a time, all things considered, especially if we get to see each other a few times in between. That said, I do know a girl who, having gone through the first 4 months apart and having dated her boyfriend for the same time as I've been with my girlfriend, considered making it through those 4 months a major milestone and seriously wondered if she was going to cheat. I wonder about people like that.

 

My first girlfriend was long distance, like a couple hours. We were together for 3 years until she moved to town and we broke up a year later.

A long distance relationship is not a real relationship.

Unless you plan on working seperate schedules when you get married, how can you compare talking on the phone every night with a real relationship?

It's more than just the physical. The relationship is completely different.

 

Yeah, I had one long distance relationship. We started off together for three months and then moved about 4 hours away. It lasted a week. She cheated on me with an ex within 4 days. Whore. So yeah, fuck long distance relationships.

 

I have absolutely nothing to offer to this thread as far as personal experience in long distance relationships, or my opinion on them.

However, I do have one observation, that has something to do with the topic, based entirely on my freshman year of college when I lived in the dorms:

The Turkey Dump

I had never heard this term before at time, but it's basically that time of year (around Thanksgiving) when all this "I met my soul make in high school and even though we're states away we will marry each other one day!!!" shit ends. With absolutely no exceptions, every single one of my friends who met the parameters for the saying, was involved in the Turkey Dump.