Crushed.

I've been thinking about old crushes a lot. I was the type of girl that felt really bored and lost without having a crush, and more or less had one at all times from second grade to, well, to now I guess. (Although a "crush" as an alleged adult is slightly different than a crush when you're in school, I'd argue.) Many journal pages were dedicated to recording every miniscule interaction I had with them, or generally pining away for them. Crushes are kind of the worst, but I'll get so nostalgic for that aspect of adolescence sometimes. I still get giddy thinking about the one time I exchanged a single simple kiss with a crush, a lot giddier than remembering any of the crush-periods of the people I ended up actually dating. Like I said in the drunk thread, there was a Top Tier Crush that I ended up hooking up with for a little bit post-college, and it was all I'd ever hoped for even though it was a gigantic clusterfuck that we both fucked up miserably and thinking about it now makes me cringe and cry and want to puke all at the same time. There have also been a couple people I've hooked up with later in life who I didn't even dare to crush on in high school because I thought it was so unlikely they'd ever like me back, which is a wonderful ego booster of epic proportions. And I've looked up a bunch of old crushes over the years and would still gladly smooch most of them. I have good taste.

Focus: Who was your first crush? Your biggest crush? Your most heartbreaking?
Alt-focus: Did you ever get a chance to be with someone you had a crush on when you were young? Was it everything you'd dreamed of, or a huge disappointment?
Alt-alt focus: Embarrassing and/or heartwarming stories in general involving crushes.

 

I lost my virginity to a girl I had a crush on... as she attempted to get back at the lead singer of my band she'd been casually dating for a year.

... I don't recommend fucking groupies of shitty jrock cover bands.

 

My first crush was Agnes, from grades one to eight, when I finally got the hint that she didn't like me back. Now that I think of it, whenever I have a 'What's your ideal type?' conversation, I describe her look exactly -- petite, cute brunette with a button nose and dark features. Damn, she really made an impression on me. I even wrote about crushing on her years ago.

Spoiler: Shameless plug

Sometimes, when I’m going to sleep or just have nothing to do, I try to remember what it was like interacting with girls when I was a kid. And not just remember – I try to relive what it was like (not in the perverted way). I mean I try really hard to feel just like I did when I met my first crush in first grade. Back when getting away with a good three-second stare felt like first base. I remember not even feeling boyhood bashfulness at the prospect of someone else seeing me stare. I didn’t care. I didn’t even think to care.

In second grade we played some game. I can’t remember what it was, exactly, but I remember that guessing right, or doing whatever you had to do correctly, meant you got to go to the front of class and pick the next kid to get their turn. And the more kids that got a turn, the more the game got going. Or something like that. Anyways, for whatever reason, I was up there often and I picked my crush 100% of the time. My friends kept picking me and I didn’t once return the favour, even though I pretended like I was really thinking it over each time, scanning the room, seeing all the raised hands, and picking hers like it was ever a choice. I couldn’t not pick her. Evolution made me do what I could to please my favoured female. Even the teacher thought it was cute.

And she didn’t like me back. I crushed on her until junior high and never once got a hint of returned interest. But that didn’t stop me from trying. And when I try hard now to feel what I felt then, I want to talk to my first grade self. I want to tell him to keep going, keep vying for her attention at recess, keep imagining thinly-veiled movie plots that start with you saving her life and end with bringing her home to hug on the couch during cartoon commercials. Because whatever hurt and rejection you eventually feel will pass, and become so completely worth the feelings you get, and the memories you create, when you pick her little hand and see her smiling face, knowing you are the reason for her good fortune.

As a sort of reverse focus, I'm 99% certain that me denying a girl who crushed on me during the same time as above came back to bite me in the ass a couple years ago. Met this girl online, went on a couple lunch dates and hit it off harder than I have with almost any girl ever. Texted and flirted and made each other laugh lots. Then we friended on the Facebook and saw that we both knew the girl who crushed on me growing up. Date Girl said they're actually pretty close and she was totally going to ask Crush Girl about me. The next day I noticed a change in tone and we never went out again. Crush Girl and I were friends growing up, and she's a sweet girl, so I strongly doubt she lied and said I was a dick to her, but I totally get why a friend would stop dating a guy her close friend crushed on for years.

 

Oh man. I had a SEVERE crush on the same girl from about 6th grade through freshman year of HS, Hallie. Used to get the weird flutters if I saw her in the hall, she was sometimes on my bus route and if I got on the bus in the morning and she was there, sheeit. Day already made. I was super awkward/not really with it girl wise at that age, so I didn't do anything. Until a super awkward situation my Junior year of HS, we'll get there...

There was another girl, Aly, my So/Jr of HS, belonged to the same club as my family so I saw her at the pool all summer. While it wasn't as heartwarming and cute as Hallie, I can say without exaggeration, Aly, at that point at 14-15 to my 15-16 year old self, was the hottest girl I've ever personally known. Like sweet mother of god. She moved to Georgia, is engaged to a white trash dude 7-8 years older than her, and has seemingly aged 20 years in the last 10. She's still pretty, but in a weathered sort of way, so sad.

Alt-Focus: I had a pretty big crush on a girl I met at a party when I was 24ish, through some friends. Hit it off, but she had a BF, and it went nowhere. Saw her out a a year or so later and was like, damn, she's still fucking stunning. But again, dude in the building. Then about 2 years ago, randomly match with her on one of the dating apps, goes well, we agree to get drinks. Midway through the date she remembers out first encounter and kind of lights up. Date ends up last 3+ hours, went back to her place after and drank wine and just hung out till 2 AM, chemistry was electric. I remember leaving and feeling giddy. Like some fate finds a way bullshit. Set up plans for dinner a few days later, remembering her fav spot much to her surprise and happiness...then she cancels the day of due to work conflicts. Was a bit sketchy before disappearing...complete ghost. I was wrecked for a bit. Bout a year later, randomly happen upon her IG where she recently posted a one year anniversary message to her BF...almost to the day of the week after the ghosting. They are now married. Some Good Luck Chuck level bullshit.

Alt-Alt-Focus: Remember Hallie? Well, Jr year of HS, we were still friends, in a similar group, and she was single around Homecoming. Figured it was my shot. However, I had already been turned down twice by other girls, cause apparently my HS was a bunch of ruthless twats. Cue a shattered, confidence sapped JWags not being able to even ask a girl he'd been friends with since he was 11...so he asks via note...given to her friend. She could not have been sweeter...in telling me she didn't see me like that and hoped we'd still be friends. Young love is a cunt.

 

Alt-alt focus: For some reason I only have embarrassing stories on this topic.

I had a few crushes in elementary and middle school, but nothing really noteworthy that I can remember. In high school there were two girls that I had crushes on, but I was obese my whole life up until my freshman year of college and never would have dreamed to ask out either of them (or anyone else). They were both ones who I had classes with at various times, and one of them had a really bubbly, outgoing personality, and used to pretend to flirt with me, probably because she felt sorry for me. I actually friended her on Facebook during our freshman years of college, back in Spring 2005, when Facebook was still fairly new. We went to different colleges that were not nearby, but my newly skinny, overly confident, idiot 19 year old self decided that it was worth a shot to email her and ask her out. She didn't respond and defriended me on Facebook a few years after that. Looking back she and I would have never been compatible; I just thought that she was gorgeous.

The other girl who I had a crush on in high school was a cute Jewish girl who I still remember meeting on freshman year orientation day in our first period Spanish II class. She actually asked me to be her partner for some assignment that we did at the beginning of the year. She was legitimately a super nice person (though the partners thing was probably pity) and she always told me how impressed she was with how much useless knowledge I had. I didn't have another class with her after freshman year, but she would always say hi to me when we ran into each other. I probably would have messaged her on Facebook and asked her out if she hadn't moved too far away to drive to, though it's probably for the better considering that she defriended me on Facebook back at the beginning of this year.

I think that the only love at first sight moment that I had while sober involved a girl who I had a couple of classes with in undergrad. I still remember walking into the first class that we had together on the first day of that semester and seeing her in the front row, and sharing quick glances with each other. I was kind of seeing someone else then, but that ended a few weeks later. I spent the next two semesters trying to think of a way to talk to this girl, but never was able to aside from a couple of very brief exchanges about class assignments. She moved away for grad school, but about 2.5 years after we had had our last class together my drunk self decided to message her on Facebook (we were never FB friends) and ask her out. She responded and said that she was sorry, but she had moved away. To make it even more embarrassing: from looking at what I could see of her Facebook profile I think that she had just started dating her now husband at the time that I did that--5 years ago.

I'm ready for my next crush now.