Saw a funny tweet that said when we die we should get to see the top 5 times in our lives that we nearly died. More on the Darwin awards end of the spectrum than serious. My algorithm always has videos I dub “this is why women live longer than men.” Hanging by fingernails off of skyscrapers and using cars to pull mountain bikes into plywood ramps to jump over barns. With the 4th July just past it is a wonder me and my brothers made it to adulthood. Focus: Humorous near death experiences. A couple happened when I was real young. ATVing when I was probably 9 in a large gravel pit. Instead of going straight up a steep hill, like an inexperienced idiot, I veered left midway through and ran straight into a crevice of a side hill. I got thrown over the handlebars and the ATV rolled over me on its way down. The fact I fell deep into the crevice is the only thing that saved me. My dad thought he just witnessed my death. Couple years later probably 11-12 I was out boating on the Ohio. We stopped at an island that had a big rope swing off a tree so drunks could launch themselves into the river. No one explained you had to swing out to the side to take out the slack. I went straight out and the combination of wet rope and gravity ripped me straight off and I face planted on a 25 foot drop. My mom shrieked and with the pain and adrenaline I couldn’t feel my legs. I thought I was going to be a quadriplegic for a couple of minutes before I came back to my senses. I was too scared to ever try it again in following years. They eventually took it down. Countless 16 year old driving shenanigans, even without alcohol. My friend speeding through our home town losing control and coming inches from hitting a telephone pole on the passenger side I was in (while another friend was riding in the trunk, because). Same friend crashed this car driving some friends to school, one girl had to have her nose reconstructed. He totaled his next car less than 2 weeks after that. His insurance must have been astronomical. Again no alcohol just retarded. He was busted for a DUI a year or two later doing lawn jobs in his neighborhood.
I think I was 10 when my parents decided to build a detached garage. The way our property was situated, they had to dig and blast into the bedrock of a hill next to the house to create a flat area. This created a fun space I termed the "rock pit" to play in as a kid. Big boulders that hadn't yet been removed, and a sheer rock cliff along the back side, about 15' high, with jagged, splintered rocks sticking out along the wall and at the bottom. It basically looked like something you'd see in a video game "instant death" trap. In the short period before cleaning the pit up and building the garage, I spent many happy hours in there but knew to avoid walking along the top of the back wall. Except one day, where I decided to explore a bit, and the edge crumbled underneath me. I slipped sideways and was falling face-first towards the sharp rocks. Somehow, I got a hand on a protruding rock as I was falling, which violently yanked me back upright and instead of landing on my head, I bounced off the cliff - giving myself a series of gashes in my arms, stomach, chest and thighs - and landed on my feet. Using Kid Logic, my first concern was that I would never be able to play in the rock pit again if they found out, so I limped in the back door, cleaned myself up, ditched my torn clothes, and hid the fact that my left arm was nearly useless for days after - I assume I tore something or partially dislocated it. For almost 2 weeks I wore long sleeves in the middle of the summer, while my injuries healed. It wasn't until I was in college that I told my parents the story.
Got caught in horrific weather while hiking in Iceland. It was already raining, then the wind picked up and the temperature suddenly dropped. Our clothes started freezing. Also was about 6 inches away from getting swept by a landslide. We had to run out of the trail in order to not freeze to death, but ran into some Swedish woman who got disoriented in the fog and couldn't find her group. We escorted her down and found her friends who couldn't have cared less. Good times. Also shot myself in the arm with a pellet gun when I was 9.
Almost died like three times during the same trip to Yellowstone. My brother was driving as we were coming down into Yellowstone Valley. He looks over at me and says "I'm standing on the brake." Sure enough, his ass is entirely out of the driver's seat and all his weight is on the brake, and yet we're not slowing in the slightest. I told him to find the next good patch of dirt, pull onto it, and pull the e-brake as hard as he could. Fortunately that brought us to a stop. I brainfarted and walked within like ten feet of a bison. My brain was stuck on "stay on the boardwalk" mode, and didn't adjust upon seeing a bison chilling like 10 feet from the boardwalk. Fortunately the bison was calm and didn't mind me walking by, but I definitely got too close. I was at the top of Lower Falls and slipped on an incline. The incline was hardpacked dirt with small pebbles on it, which is functionally equivalent to falling on ball bearings. I started sliding towards the river, and only managed to stop myself with like five feet to go. If I'd hit the water, I would have been immediately swept over a 300' waterfall.
My top 5, and many more, all involve motorcycles. Mostly other car drivers being idiots, but a few that were entirely on me.
recently, when I got stung by a red wasp and my throat started swelling up. I was way too close to that going horribly wrong, especially since no one was at home. Chewed some benadryl and started chugging coke while the coffee was brewing (figured caffeine was better than the epi pen I didn't have). I now have four epi pens and a round of steroids on hand at all times. When I was younger, standing up in the bed of a stopped side by side. My step father didn't know I was standing and accelerated, as I promptly accelerated into the tailgate. Vividly remember being in the air and realizing that I was about to land at an angle on my head/neck, so I tucked my head against my shoulder and took the impact 100% on my lower shoulder (I was sideways and pointing downward). Could have easily been paralyzed by breaking my neck, instead I just broke my shoulder. Brain tumor obviously. Entered the neurological intensive care unit as one of 11 patients there. By the time I left 8 days later I was the only one who left not in a body bag. To this day, of all the brain tumor survivors I've met, I'm the only one who has, for all intents and purposes, "no" side-effects. At least no permanently debilitating stuff. Some hearing issues, short term memory loss, lack of balance, no math, that kinda stuff. There's work-arounds with that. I have yet to meet someone who's life wasn't permanently altered though, and sadly I know a lot more people who have died due to brain tumors than have survived. Especially if you count the post-surgery suicides. Stopped drinking alcohol about 5.5 years ago. That could have been especially bad. The more we're learning about the long-term impacts of alcohol, and with some of the stupid (non-driving, fortunately) choices I was making, it was really headed in a not good direction. But then I had probably my biggest "dodged a bullet" moment with covid where it got stuck in my liver and my doctor told me, in no uncertain terms, that my liver was so stressed from it that if I had been drinking it would have killed me. That, or the fact that my sp02 levels got down to 85%. Fuck covid. I got more but those are the big ones. I rode 4-wheelers growing up until, right as I was being discharged from the neurological intensive care unit, a kid my age came in paralyzed from the chest down from a 4wheeler accident. Never touched a 4 wheeler again. That probably counts right?
Aside from anticipating and avoiding some auto accidents, the only real "near death" experience I had DID involve a ladder. My first real job was working for a small sheet metal company that specialized in HVAC duct work. A few of us were sent to N.O. to assist with a sister company that installed said duct work in large ships. (We were told in no uncertain terms by those guys to sit back and do nothing unless specifically asked, lol). For some reason the foreman/head honcho chose me to go around in the bowels of this particular boat to pass out the weekly paychecks. I kind of, sort of knew where each guy was working so I went around, and discovered one place where there was a straight, metal ladder leading up to where one guy was supposed to be working. I noticed immediately the ladder was not tied off and my intent was to climb up and tie it off, then deliver the check. I already knew but re-learned why the ladder should be tied off - the bottom kicked out and I dropped about 12-15 feet straight down, some how making sure I landed on my feet. Didn't hurt me a bit, just kind of scared me. Then I almost pissed myself, only then noticing the empty elevator shaft not 2 feet from where I landed. I could have very easily fell down 4 or 5 floors (I can't recall) and no one would have known where I was.
I just remembered this: I almost wiped out in a customer's Corvette ('02, cammed 6.0L) at my old job. I decided to floor it from a 45 mph rolling start, and immediately smoked the tires and started to go sideways. Somehow I was able to correct it, and got back to the shop safely. I don't think I would have died, but the embarrassment would have killed me. I posted a picture of the tire-tracks in one of the threads on here, and someone said that they MUST have been from a stationary burnout, but that was not the case. I also slid down a pipe outside of an Austin parking garage from four stories up, and cut my stomach on a piece of wire that was sticking out from it. I was arrested by Austin PD shortly after, and the cut got infected in jail, and I received no medical attention for it. I still have a scar from it; I think it looks pretty cool. There's also all the times that I caught rattlesnakes with sticks and my bare hands, just for the pure hell of it.
Just registered for my first ultramarathon (50k). Hopefully in 9 months I’ll have some more stories for a thread like this, rather than my wife posting on my behalf to the dead thread
I survived a multi-fatality drunk driving accident (as a passenger) and I’ve been stabbed and blown up, but it certainly wasnt humorous.
I posted on here before about nearly blowing myself up with a MANPAD and the time I fell asleep at the wheel and nearly Dukes of Hazard'd my car into an approaching semi in the opposite lane on the highway. Two involve alcohol. I'm sure I had alcohol poisoning in college when I learned the hard way to never drink because of a woman. My other dumb alcohol moment was when I was an idiot and took DayQuil for a cold before going out for dinner & drinks on my birthday. I had completely forgotten that acetaminophen & alcohol don't mix. Those are the only Darwinesque situations I can think of. There's a few non-humorous Iraq & Afghanistan experiences I still have nightmares about.
first date with a girl in college, we were at a stoplight on the access road, got rear ended by a drunk driver going full speed (55 speed limit, so around there). A few beats later, he got rear ended by another drunk driver. One of those rare college moments where your brain turns on and we decided to leave our seatbelts on and stay in the vehicle. Second impact was far more powerful than the first. Had we taken them off, the second collision would have killed us I'm certain. Walked away with no major injuries to us than some neck soreness, the truck was a bit damaged, and both their little cars were totaled. Cops were funny as hell. Austin man.
I completely forgot about the time i fell asleep at the wheel. 4 or 5pm nice bright sunny day, took off work in my uncles truck to go rescue family that was pulling a trailer and the trans blew up. So absolutely no reason why i fell asleep.
Like anyone that’s been driving for awhile, I’ve had my share of near-death incidents on the road. But I’ve also been stalked by a polar bear. I think I’ve posted about this before , but years ago I was working up on the northern coast of Alaska. We were working in a ditch alongside of a gravel runway, which was located along the shoreline. At one point I looked up, and a coworker above us on a hill was waving his arms for us to go up towards him. I looked at my watch, it was almost noon, and figured this guy was calling us in for lunch. We packed up our equipment, and when we were halfway up the hill, the guy pointed behind us to the runway. And there was a polar bear, who walked along the shore, over the runway and to the exact spot in the ditch where we were working. If that guy wasn’t paying attention, if we were slower or if the bear was faster we would likely have been lunch. The fact that he went to our exact spot indicated he had smelled us, and polar bears are well known to eat everything, including people. Coincidentally, one of the folks I met up there working at a military installation was mauled by a polar bear a couple of weeks after we left.
In the last year and a half, I've had two cars totaled and neither was my fault. A lady ran a light and a truck ran me off of the road. Thank <insert deity> for dash cams proving I was not at fault. I highly recommend getting one. I was very lucky and not injured in either of these. The one that got totaled before that was my fault. I was somewhat not sober and downshifted to avoid a deer. Problem is I downshifted a 6 speed into reverse. If you haven't seen a Kia Soul engine and transmission grenade themselves, it's a sight to behold. It was a 2 year old car with 12,000 miles on it. Somehow, I lost a flip flop and had a mild concussion. The stupidest part of this is that it happened during Covid and I made $9000 on that car before I cashed out the extended warranty. That said, I probably broke even because my insurance premiums still suck. The morale of the story is...fuck, I don't know. On a related note, anyone have tricks/tips to get a reduced insurance premium? There's no way in hell I would have had one of those plug-in things in the past, but I am certainly considering it at the moment.