First Day On The Job

One summer when I was 20 I worked at an architecture firm as a "Joe Friday". First day there and I parked in the President's spot. I can only imagine his reaction when he pulls up in his Mercedes and sees this:*

Spoiler

in his spot, because of course that was the day my dad's truck was in the shop and I had to borrow my grampa's car. It was in the city and the car was huge and I was so excited that I found a spot RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR! Suckers, looks like this spot is mine. You snooze you lose. Early bird gets the worm. Although I did wonder why all the spots were taken except this one. No matter, I'm awesome! Today's going to be great! Of course the secretary has to hunt me down which I'm sure wasn't too hard to figure out whose car it was as there weren't too many architects sporting a similar model. I was so afraid the President was going to yell at me. For a 20-year-old, it was rather embarrassing. But I really liked that car. It was just so roomy.

*not actual car, but it was big and old.

And then there was the time I was 18 and worked a temp job and one of my coworkers was a stripper by night with a boyfriend AND husband and wore a white dress with burgundy striped underwear. It was awesome walking next to her through the offices on my way to the lunch room. And by awesome I mean horrifying. I was embarrassed for her and kept thinking how does she not know conveniently forgetting the fact that she's a stripper and probably just didn't care. To be so innocent again...

 

Years ago, I was supposed to meet my new commander on my first day at a new duty station. Whenever I move to a new place it takes me a few nights before I start sleeping comfortably...well, I not only slept in, I fucking got up and turned off the alarm without waking up slept in. So when I finally wake up about an hour after I was supposed to meet him, I panic dry shave as I speed in only arrive right as most folks in the section head out for lunch. I roll in expecting my new boss to chew me a new asshole and instead he apologizes for blowing off our appointment time because he was called over to the wing commander's office for a last minute briefing.

A lot of defense contractors are older retired military who are still working into their 70's and older...it makes for some interesting stories. While not the first day on the job, we did have a guy up and die in his seat at the last place I worked. Supposedly the guy had narcolepsy so nobody ever said much if/when he nodded off at his desk. Well one day he never fucking woke up...by the time someone noticed he had been gone for a few hours. We had another that had just started who died in his sleep at the hotel he was staying at until he found a place.

 

Alt-Focus The first day of work is the easiest, most nerve wracking day. Basically all you have to do is go. shut up and pretend to listen. Not a single person expects shit out of you so so long as you show up sober and don't talk you've done well.

 

I hear the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch.

 

My first day on the job was yesterday, and it went thusly:

Drive six hours to an airport hotel.

Pack clothes that are functionally wrong, feel relieved when the CEO is wearing the same Vibrams my fiance detests and I use to lift weights in. The director is wearing Jesus sandals. I am the only one who bothered to tuck in a shirt.

Go over how to fill out forms and then fill them out, such byzantine documents as an I-9 and W-4. Stare in incredulity as coworker takes 40 minutes to come up with the required combination of a passport OR a driver's license AND social security card (as patiently and clearly explained by the I-9 form itself). And/or statements apparently unclear to people.

Be locked out of the phone and email system for no discernible reason other than the director doesn't have the password and the person who does is on maternity leave, which means her phone and computer are haunted for the next three months with bad baby juju magic. Passwords and admin privileges were not included on the account name, number, password list that she emailed (!). The document was titled "passwords".

Another new guy is literally off the plane from Panama and is visibly shivering and sweating with tropical fever. He gets a new computer and phone through the company and is warmly welcomed.

Spend more time at lunch and dinner talking about highway routes and fishing than anything remotely useful.

Hear hours of "sage wisdom" after beers that is basically a ten-year man repeating "Let me tell you something about this job" and "The hard clients teach you something"

Get asked repeatedly what I'm doing here, why I have so much education, what I'm planning to do at this job (uh, work?).

Question the existence of God.

Fail to complete assimilation into the email/Google Drive system because reasons and fail to complete drug test because "after lunch" means 4:15 and no one pees at LabCorps after 3:30, Goddammit. NOBODY! Remind the director that I've been sober 5 years and can pee in a cup on my own time, rather than forcing five people to sit there for two of us.

Teach a 60-year old Mexican guy how to email himself a document from an Ipad (to be fair, it's not a straightforward process and kind of a pain in the ass).

I am in awe this is how people make money.

 

First day advice - show up. Listen. Ask questions when appropriate. Don't be a dickhead. It's THAT easy. First month, though? You better perform.

 

My dad's advice for starting a new job was pretty sound:

Dress nicer than everyone else on your first day, be early, be polite, look everyone in the eye when you speak to them, and only work at 80% of your actual capability. Don't ever start at 100%. Because then you've set the expectation that you'll always work flat-out and that's just begging for a nervous breakdown by the time you're 40. Plus, if you work at 80% of your ability and ever need to impress the shit out of someone, ramp it up to 100% and you'll blow their minds. But don't do it often. Trust me on that one.

 

This x100. Its incredibly hypocritical, but it is what it is. My first couple of months here, I would go to meetings and often bring my phone, with back to back meetings and such, its nice to have your phone to look on the calendar where you are going next, etc... I'd have it out putzing around before the meeting started, putting it away as soon as anyone important arrived or the meeting started. Shortly after, my manager pulled me aside and gave me a gentle warning about how I was being perceived and id acquired the nickname "Hashtag". I started leaving my phone at my desk and watching people at the start of the meeting, and 90% were answering emails, checking twitter, etc... much less phone usage during the meeting itself. And later I found out who started the nickname was a guy who actually really likes and supports me, its just a new guy perception thing.

FOCUS: My first day at my old agency job was the second week of December, and even though it was a Tuesday, happened to coincide with their team holiday gift exchange. So at around 1230-1, after a morning of administrative work, my new manager gave me a DVD for the white elephant gift exchange ("3" starring Barry Pepper, classic choice) and we went up to the conference room where we played a pass and steal game while drinking beers for 2 hours. Then everyone went to their desk for an hour of "work" aka drinking more and BSing and we went to a bar/club for the annual rep appreciation party, where they invite all the outside Ad Sales reps they work with to booze for a couple hours. I saw managers drunk, older divorced reps trying to make moves on younger media planners (male and female) and a general load of randomness. Ended up at a bar at 1130 watching a new hire grinding with a married rep from ESPN and politely ducking out before I did something stupid. It was pretty amazing.

 

Focus: On the first day of a summer job during college, I had to ask my new boss if I could have a day off during that first week on the job. It was for an out-of-state court hearing. Good times.

 

Like a boss

It wasn't the first day, but the first month I was at my first co-op job during college, I totalled a company car. Good times.

And, got hired back the next Summer! High five.

 

About a year ago, I started my current position in this office. During the interview, my boss informs me that we are getting a third doctor who is coming all the way from Virginia and that he is a big deal over there. "He's also proving to be a little higher maintenance than we originally anticipated.", is what the manager added on. At that point, no one had any clue how much of an understatement that would prove to be.

"As a condition of his employment, he is also bringing down his own personal nurse to assist him in clinic and in the operating room." Huge red flags on this one. Whenever anyone brings someone with them in these situations, it means they are impossible to work with and are generally unfriendly.

On day one, they show up and introduce themselves to no one. They started going into all the exam rooms and rearranging everything and claiming which rooms will be theirs. I went in to introduce myself and instead of saying something like 'nice to meet you', or 'I'm looking forward to working with you.", she just grilled me on my credentials and experience.

"Hi! I'm xrayvision, nice to meet you."
"How long have you been doing this?"
"About 5 years now."
"What sort of environments have you worked in?"
"Everything. Well, I have to get back to work now."

Wonderful first impression.

As you can imagine this ridiculous attitude didn't fly with many people, so I decided one day to grill her back. And I wanted to know what kind of nurse gets to demand a lab coat, a parking spot in the physicians lot, and supervisory duties over me. She literally put in a special request to be able to tell me what to do. And it was granted.

"So where did you go to nursing school?"
*looking somewhat uneasy and embarrassed*"Oh...I went to a community college near my home."
"Thats cool! I didn't know you could get a bachelors degree(BSN) at community college!"
"Umm...well, I didn't get one. I'm working on getting that now."
"Oh, so you don't have a BSN? I don't think the hospital next door will let you do much over there. They require all nurses to have a BSN. I find it interesting that you were so concerned about my credentials when you didn't even complete your own."

And scene.

And they didn't let her touch another human being. At all, for 6 months. All she did was make enemies at that hospital. And then she had to leave.

And the doctor after one year is not getting his contract renewed. He's out next month.

Moral of the story: Try and be a little nicer to people and treat them with common respect. When you are a dickhead to every single person you encounter, including your patients, your clock starts counting down.

 

my interview at a small sketchy datacentre became my first day of work as i had to unrack a dozen servers being used as part of a credit card phishing scam for the police.

i worked nights alone at that dc for a few months before moving to days with the owner (it was basically a five man company), and he tells me we need to have an 'important talk, lets go for a drive'.
we get into his car and drive around the industrial park our data centre was at and he parks for a second "ash, we're calling this fried egg fridays"
"uh, what?"
"we gonna fry yo' egg" - and pulls out two joints.

... i may have only made $11/hour but damn i miss that place.

 

i was helping train this woman at the diviest bar in the city. the woman was incredibly sweet, 45 and getting back into bartending after having been out of it for 20 years. she looked like a diner waitress from some truck stop, curvy bordering on chubby, big hair, pink acrylic nails and a warm smile that said you were getting a second slice of pie for free.

one of the other women was showing her how to make two spanish coffees, which involves lighting 151 proof liquor on fire in the glass. something went awry, and both glasses exploded, sending burning liquor all over the bar. this new woman, she had dressed to the nines for her first day back at a bartending job, and had probably used a full can of hairspray to do it. it stood no chance. her entire head went up in flames.

she went to the hospital in an ambulance, and i heard she had severe burns all over her face and hands and down her neck. the place had already been in a downward spiral, and having a woman literally go up in flames was enough symbolism for me to abandon ship. i never found out what happened to her.

it was the same bar everyone called me burrito because they thought i was a little mexican girl. i miss that place sometimes.

 

this is pretty minor, but it was recent so it came to mind. one of the summer interns at my company (which is a fairly serious and stuffy place, since it's in the finance/law field) decided, first day on the job, to pull out an e-cigarette and just start puffing away in his office. his officemate, who was an actual employee, couldn't figure out if he was more shocked or put off. sure, it doesn't actually affect anyone, but the balls to do that one day 1 as an intern? damn.

oddly enough he got an offer at the end of his summer.