Get the cock off your chest

This is a stolen segment from a satellite radio DJ, but I think it might be pretty entertaining here too. The premise is callers bring up stories that they've been dying to tell somebody but can't (mostly sexual in nature), with the anonymity of satellite radio being their very own confessional.

Focus: Have you slept with your mom's best friend and never told anybody? Have you cheated on your girlfriend with her sister, or her best friend? Are you secretly bisexual?
Go for it, get that cock off your chest.

 

I hooked up with badminton partners/best friends.

 

My dad's best friend. I was 16, he was 36.

ETA: Forgot about the time I was 3 fingering another woman and lost my wedding ring. Didn't realize it until she returned it the next day. Bitch was loose.

Huh.. this kind of makes me think about a rep I got that said I had bad luck with men... not really, I guess it's just karma paying me back.

 

Yes, yes I did.

 

Down in Ft. Lauderdale back in November, I was staying with one of my best friends/rugby teammate for the weekend to catch the USA vs Uruguay Rugby World Cup qualifier. Now my friend has a hot sister. Normally I would consider that out of bounds, but this girl was 18 years old, blonde, tan and a Hollister model. Who am I to deny myself that? To me, not doing it would be a bigger crime than the act of fucking a best friend's sister.

We're sitting at Denny's eating after a night of heavy drinking at the Miami clubs. My friend, "Tyson" is with a couple of his friends and meet up with his sister and her friends as they come back from a party. Before our food arrives, Tyson decides he isn't feeling well and walks home to puke and pass out. This leaves me, his two friends and a group of 5 or 6 18 year old girls at the table. The food takes about 30 minutes to arrive and the whole time, Tyson's sister, "Isabelle", is giving me "fuck me" eyes. I keep the table entertained with rugby stories and general mockery of everyone in sight while a mental debate rages about the merits of fucking my friend's sister. I decide it's a once in a lifetime story and well worth the dirt on said friend should it ever come up. Tyson's two friends are oblivious to the oncoming train wreck of decision making and spend their time hitting on the rest of her friends while I casually flirt with Isabelle. After finishing the meal, everyone but Isabelle and I grabs a cab back to respective apartments and homes while she and I walk the 200 yards back to the house. I playfully push her away all the way home and as we arrive, she asks me if I would like to watch a movie. The last wall of resistance in my head is swiftly crushed and I agree. In her bedroom, we're not 5 minutes into the previews and her bra is hanging from the lamp, panties dangling from the doorknob. My boxers are somewhere behind her dresser and I'm engaged in some of the best sex of my life. Whoever taught that girl to suck dick has my eternal gratitude. Two hours and five or six rounds of amazing sex later, I realize it's 8am. Her mom somehow already left for her morning run and didn't hear what was akin to a circus in the basement. I'm shocked and tell Isabelle that I need to get back to my room for a couple hours of sleep before Tyson wakes up. She agrees and tells me that under no circumstances is Tyson to find out about what happened.

Tyson, if you're on here, I'm sorry and I did wear a condom... The first two rounds.

 

I thought this topic was going to be about Brock Lesnar.

In my circle of friends I hooked up with one of my best friends sister, who was dating another close friend.

 

I once fucked two different girls within 2 hours of each other without showering. I seriously dating both of them. Well, as serious as you can be when pulling bullshit like that.

 

I did that too. One was in diapers when I was in high school, and the other was in high school when I was in diapers.

(Forget the allegory thread, I like where this could go)

 

Dang, you guys... I thought 2 in 24 hours was bad. Granted, those were my first two. But still, you all are kind of terrible.

 

I see your two in two and raise you three in 24 hours. Two of them I was dating at the same time and one was going through a rough patch and looking for someone who "cared".

22 was a hell of a year.



Also I hooked up with an older woman when I was 19. I lied and told her I was 21, she was nearly 40. Our first "date" occurred at her house. I brought a movie, she bought beer. Halfway through the movie we start fooling around. She blows me, I lose a nut and completely lose interest in the rest of the evening. I calmly walk over to the TV, eject the movie while saying, "I've got something in my car for you" (complete with a sly smile that suggested I really did have something in the car). I take the movie, head downstairs to the car, jump in and TAKE THE FUCK OFF.

HAHAHAHAHA. She was PISSED.

Edit: I was 19 not 18

 

In high school I accidentally left my fleshlight on the kitchen counter and my mom found it.

Sha-zam! Take that motherfuckers! Whose the coolest kid in skool now?!

No but seriously, that actually happened. And as much as it's a funny story, I could never admit to my friends that I actually bought an artificial vagina, let alone that I left it sitting prominently out in the open.

You are all some crazy motherfuckers. I can't even deal with the complications of having random sex with people my own age. Maybe that's my problem. Here I come nursing home Bingo night!

 

I've never cheated in a bonifide "relationship", but I had a shameless man-whore camping weekend where I did the Hippity-Dippity with five assorted co-eds (there were showers there, I'm wasn't that evil). Not an award I would hold up like a bowling trophy now that I look back, but I was drunk and therefore not responsible.

Jesus, I thought people just bought those things as joke gifts for friends. Whatever happened to lying in bed with some Vasoline Intesive Care and tiki torches around the room, then closing your eyes and picturing the baby-sitter? How long have your gone without cleaning it? Don't fucking lie.

 

While we're at it, I'll second that. St. Patty's Eve/Day Savannah 2009. For those of you that don't know, St. Patty's in Savannah is a shitstorm of debauchery, drinking and bad decision making. Girl #1 was a fuck buddy that I had been hooking up with NSA for about 2 months. She was short, blonde and cute; great in bed and great about not creating any bullshit drama. I was drunk, she was drunk and around 2am the morning of St Patty's I had hookup #1. Hookup number 2 came after I marched in the parade around 2pm with my rugby team. She liked my rugby jersey and I liked her tight ass and freckles. She and a couple friends hung out with a few teammates and I before I took her back to her hotel on Bay Street to "charge her phone". After an hour or so, she showers and falls asleep while I leave to find my friends (after promising to call her later). Hookup number 3 came later that night with a slutty GSU sorority girl that was out looking for a pussy pounding. She liked my rugby jersey, we talked for all of about ten minutes and proceeded back to my dorm. We fucked for a few hours before she realized she needed to get back to her hotel across the river. I wasn't exactly up for walking all the way back to River St so I gave her a few bucks to catch a cab and let her out the door. I never talked to either of the second two girls again.

Both received fake numbers, and in an interesting twist I saw sorority girl back in November when we played up at Georgia Southern. We made brief eye contact and I got a knowing smile from her and gave her a sly wink in exchange. She had a preppy, collar popping frat boyfriend with her and was tempted to regale him with stories of her love for the doggy style and hair pulling but post-match she was nowhere to be found. It's alright though, the entire GSU team knows her and were pleased to hear about her St Patty's adventure as she apparently had that same boyfriend for the past two years. Their rugby team and the frats rarely get along and I'm sure they put the newfound story to good use.

 

I'm not quite as evil as some of you fuckers, but it's pretty bad.
I fucked my best friend in high school's ex girlfriend, while she was married. My buddy dated her for a good three years or so before she got tired of his shit and split. I haven't talked to the guy in a few years so I don't feel to bad about it, and I sure as hell don't care about banging a married chick. The real kicker to the story is that I banged her on a living room couch in her house while her two year old was asleep in the next room.

 

The first and only time I picked someone up in a bar, I ended up in a threesome with my friend and a random black guy. I had been watching The Wire a lot and all I wanted to do was sleep with a black guy. Of course, not being able to do anything normally, I got absurdly drunk and berated the shit out of him for not being a drug lord or a gangster. The friend was also in a relationship at the time, and she had asked me to keep an eye on her that night, but I convinced her to do it with me.

We both felt like pretty big assholes the next day, me for being so exploitative and her for cheating. I think that was the day I stopped referring to myself as a 'good person.'

 

Oh come on, you act like all the kids in the 80's didn't fuck a tube sock filled with velveeta while they watched Madonna music videos.

I don't know dude. Eventually I'll write a thesis paper on how unfiltered access to the internet since the 3rd grade and a debit card that works on online stores at the age of 15 leads to exciting new possibilities for children, but that's not the issue here. Clearly you are just jealous that you didn't grow up during the masturbation revolution.

Clean it? Just add a splash of water and that week old jizz becomes reanimated into a convenient recycled lubricant. I was also raised to be eco-friendly.

All jokes aside, I can say with some authority that fleshlights really are exclusively for basement dwelling rejects who take jerkin it way too seriously. It's such a goddamn hassle (yes, I always cleaned it) that I wouldn't even consider using one now.

Pheww... sorry, had to get that cock off my chest.

 

Fuck that, we loaded up a latex glove with Lubriderm, wrapped it with a damp towel we threw in the microwave for 30-45 seconds, mashed it between the couch cushions and went at it. Called it Susie, and we didn't have no fuckin' intranets to figure this stuff out, we had to wait till our buddies started coming back from juvie to be bestowed these nuggets of knowledge.

(I know at least one person on this board that's never heard of it will try that. Don't leave the towel in too long or you'll need Neosporin instead of Lubriderm)

Did you at least name it? I know you did, what was the lucky girl's name your mom walked in on?

 

There was this dude I was sort of friends with. Basically, never really hung out aside from when we were drinking. First, I hooked up with his girlfriend at a party. He also had 2 sisters, one older, one younger. I fucked the older one within 2 weeks of hooking up with his girlfriend. A couple of weeks later (I think 3?) I hooked up with his little sister too. My only wish, in some depraved way, is that I could say I fucked all three.

I'm sure he knows about the girlfriend since he broke up with her soon after, but I still don't know if he knows about the sisters too. Either way, that kid is really not a big fan of mine.