That was kinda fucked up man

My wife and I have decided to have our second on-purpose kid, and tonight was the first night of something on her cycle and yada yada yada all I heard is "we need to have a lot of sex in the next few days" and I just nodded like a drunk kid who got a gift certificate to a firework store.

Soon as our first on-purpose kid went to sleep, we started fucking. No love making, this was sex with a purpose. Fucking kinda fucking. So I decided I had to cap our "first" attempt with something funny. And I had a long time to think about it. I mean when you're fucking with a purpose, 45 seconds is a long damn time. What came out (besides... that), was something, well, not quite what I was thinking:

"Mmmmm, it's not a lot, but it's potent! Just a little dab will do ya babe!"

Focus: What's the most fucked up thing you've said/done, on purpose or accident?

Alt. Focus: What's the most fucked up thing you've wanted to do but haven't?

Wish you could still use the excuse of being young a stupid to brand a passed out friend? Were *this* close to using RoundUp to spell "#FeministsAreUgly" in the yard of a frat house?

In undergrad I put caution tape around one of the main academic buildings on campus; they canceled classes for the day because it took until noon for people to realize it was just a prank and they all went home. I almost rigged a few smoke bombs with fishing line as trip wire. I really wanted to do that, and probably should have in hindsight. But a few weeks later Virginia Tech happened and it was just inappropriate to try again.

 

Worst thing I've ever said to anyone.

I had a roommate who I absolutely hated, guy was a bum, wouldn't leave the house for days, wouldn't help clean, would creep out our friends etc. I was yelling at him one day and I said him no one would miss him if he killed himself, and he said I think you're wrong, I told him to prove it...

 

A good friend killed himself a few years ago. Let's say his name was Tom.

A few years before he died I had a Canada day party. We were throwing the football around and he jammed his finger pretty bad, to the point he went to the hospital because none of us wanted to pop it back in.

I had another Canada day party this year. We were throwing the football around and another buddy jammed his finger, but not too bad. As he was shaking it off he said, "Damn, I almost pulled a Tom!"

After a brief pause I said, "Where's the rope?"

We had to stop the game to recover from laughing. Tom would've loved it.

 

My quote from memory may not be the best as this happened a long time ago in my last year of high school near the end of the school year, but it's pretty close.

This one guy had been bullying me for 9 years at school (we went to the same schools for that long) and was shit-talking me yet again before one class was supposed to start - the teachers tacitly allowed the bullying and did nothing to stop it. My response (very mature) was "Your mom". About 30 of my classmates were around and everyone went really quiet - the guy who was bullying me went quiet for a second and then said "My mom is dead, you asshole" and I said "Yeah, she couldn't wait to get away from you". Again, stunned silence from the others and he shouted something to me, probably "Fuck you" or something to that effect.

His mother was actually dead and had passed like 4 weeks before, according to one of my other classmates who knew more.

I do not feel bad about it, as this guy had been cunty to me for years. He also never spoke to me again, a blessing in itself.

I'm still not going to my class' 20 year reunion in 3 years' time. Fuck them, and fuck that school.

 

Back when I was doing a lot of drugs, I hung out with this friend and his Dad. The dad would stay semi sober while the two of us got wasted. The dad and I became close enough that he confided in me, and only me, when he was first diagnosed with testicular cancer.

A few days later the son and I were trying to convince him to drive us somewhere unsavory to party. He was resisting, so I said "who took your balls and when will they be returned." Or something like that. I immediately regretted it, the son had no idea that he had the cancer so, yeah, he kept giving his dad shit about not having the balls to do something we wanted to do.

Those friendships were based on our mutual need to get fucked up, they didn't last much longer after that. Not long enough to know how the man's treatment went or how many balls he ended up with.

 

A girl I used to know went to college (lets call her Becky) and married an officer service member (I'm not mentioning branches or names or anything here because this is truly awful).
She called me back about 10 years ago, telling me about life and how she got my phone number from her mama who got it from my mama at the post office and good gosh just HOW have I BEEN all this TIME?
So I began to give a watered down version of "Life and kids and all that" when she interrupts and tells me that she married well, got her an officer husband and good gosh golly! She got a bachelor's in business and TEE HEE married her officer husband GOOD GOLLY hasn't had to have a job YET in life because she's just SO been SO blessed in this life. If she'd married one of them ENLISTED types she'd have had to struggle finding a job every time they moved but RANK has its PRIVILEGES.

Now stretch that conversation by another fifteen or so minutes.
I finally managed to get a word in edgewise and tell her that a mutual friend of ours (and the friend's husband), both of my brothers, my sisters-in-law, my first husband, and I all enlisted and definitely understood the trials of military life.
Cue the Oh mah LORD I just...*fans self*...enlisted life is NOT for me.



So I get off the phone and I'm like, wtf, and mention it to my brother and we laugh at her for being a Commissary Cow.


A few years later, I got a Facebook message from another mutual friend who tells me that Becky's husband had been killed*. I read it, and before the words could stop, I said out loud to no one in particular "Well. Guess she's gonna need to get a job now."


*I do not and have never celebrated the loss of life. I'm incredibly sad about it because word is he was a good man and a good officer and VERY well respected. His wife was just a fucking cunt.

 

I once decorated a passed-out guy's room by writing his name in stage blood over and over on the walls and ceiling for him to wake up to. He had hemophobia and let's just say his screams when he woke up weren't exactly morning music.

 

I don't know about things I've said, but there was this:
Me, to married woman at work taking over for me as I was leaving: If you have a sec tonight... (describes minor paperwork chore)
Married woman at work: I'll have secs all night.
That was a little awkward.

 

Focus: My father, back when he worked as the electrical supervisor at the Winnemucca mine he worked at, told his boss that if he ever fucked with his pension he would eat his children and put the shit he took after digesting them on his desk before his very eyes. As for myself, I once told a girl I hoped she got raped by a bear while it ate her in high school. As for actual actions, I recall my brother once pissed into my elder brother's contact solution for months, and he would constantly bitch about his eyes hurting him until I finally found out and told him about it. That was quite the dust-up.