My mother could require every prescription known to man; instead, she solves that with Jesus. Shame that doesn't work for all of us? Man, I wish that was a real problem solver. It's a bit early for new years resolutions, but I think I should post more. Maybe. Instead of Jesus, there's always booze?
Oh, and one of my uncle's neighbours showed up with a santa suit, a bottle of bud light in his hand, and a john deer cap under the red toque. I thought, "this guy showed up to a family christmas dinner? I didn't realize I was white trash."
I used to teach a water aerobics class that was mostly old people. I'm a pretty easy-going person and can overlook a lot of things. The hatred I developed for a majority of the old people in this class knows no bounds. They were some of the rudest, most ignorant bunch of ladies I've every taught (they scared the men off with their comments). You've met my dad? He's harmless really. Just kidding, he doesn't drink anymore. It might have been my Uncle Punk or Uncle Beaver though.
Ham is amazing if done right, but I can see your average supermarket ham tasting like crap. We have a 6lb ham for the two of us for tonight. It was the smallest we could find, so there will be nothing but that for a week. Plus, our friends are coming over tomorrow to make a roast beast, plus 10 other dishes. And they are bringing 3 bottles of wine, beer and liquor. They are good people, what can I say? So does anyone else have weird traditional dishes? We do: Meatballs red cabbage gravlax Pickled Herring Pickled Herring Salad Rice Porridge (gag) Hard Boiled eggs and caviar
If I remember correctly, that was their original price tag when they were "unleashed" on the public. Face facts: they were one of the ugliest and most unsexy cars ever, made cool by Michael J. Fox (there was nothing that guy DIDN'T make cool). I don't give a flying fuck about the gull wing doors. You could only get the on ewith the BTTF doo-hickeys on it, because the ACTUAL cars looked like this: ...hideous. It mated with an AMC pacer to give birth to the POntiac Aztec.
There's only room for ONE badass monster pussywagon on this planet, and it AIN'T a stainless steel marketing failure. I'm talkin' LIQUID here, kids: AWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH
After carefully examining that link, my Spidey-senses give me the distinct feeling he may own a Trans Am.
I wonder... If Dixie picks up a woman and she doesn't have pubic hair, do you think he throws her out of the house or do you think he has a little stash of pubic wigs for such emergency situations?
He has an emergency Hair-In-a-can stash for such situations. I am unofficially declaring this day "Awesome Scenes From Christmas Vacation Day". LEt's start it off right:
My favourite of all: ..a scene that has created Halloween costumes, t-shirts, and all-around an immortal pop culture staple.
At my mom's house last night, we're playing charades. All ages of people from 8 - 50, then my 75-year old mom, who suggested the game. Everyone was to write 3 Christmas-related things on a slip of paper - a carol or song, an object, a movie, etc. We had things like "Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" "Snow" and "The Grinch." My nephew thought it would be hilarious (it was) to write "Dreidel" and it was my niece (his sister)'s turn. She proceeded to mime spinning one on the ground, and when her team didn't get it, she spent the rest of her time trying to get her mother (my sister) to guess the name of her best friend, who is Jewish, to lead her the answer. My mother spent the entire time perplexed, and once the answer was revealed, the rest of us were laughing histerically - partially at my teenage niece's antics and frustration, and partially at the irony of a dreidel being considered in a Christmas-related theme. In one of those everyone's-talking-at-the-same-time moments, mixed with laughter, and even the little kids are laughing (and know what a dreidel is), my mother is still sitting there completely confused. Finally, she goes all Hulk, stands up screaming "Stop, stop, stop!" and slams a book on the table (which, I think it was a Southern Living hard bound Christmas book or something . . . oh the irony). "I want to know what it was!" (She still didn't know what the correct answer was). My sister says, "Dreidel." And, my mom says, "Cradle?" "No, dreidel." "Never heard of it." Which, was followed by even more howls of laughter. I wish my mother were medicated.
My mom cried last night. Then again it was because of a joke I made about my sister dying of cancer (shes alive). But still.
Sadly, this link worked when I first posted. Then, The Grinch came in and f-ed it up. So, here's a redo:
I'm going to start a new Christmas Eve tradition tonight: a family viewing of The Ref. nothing brings out the jolly like Dennis Leary saying "Fuck!" 1000 times on Christmas Eve.