A poem: Roses are red, Santa rides a sleigh, I just got my period, Mother-fucking-A. Merry Christmas, folks. I hope Santa's good to all of you.
Damn. My best pal and I have known each other since we were six, which means I've known her brother since he was three or four and most of his best friends since they were thirteen or so. But all of a sudden all of these little boys are MEN. I was just at their annual Christmas Eve party and all these burly dudes come rolling in and I'm like BUHHH? I wouldn't feel too weird about boning most of you. It was very unnerving. Anyway, I got inappropriately drunk and brought the party to a screeching halt twice. The first was when one of our friends was talking about his quest to claim land in Krakow that his family owned but had to abandon due to the Holocaust, and I thought it was an awkward party conversation, so I tried to lighten the mood by making a joke that referenced the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. DIDN'T WORK. Then, someone else was trying to tease me about being a radical feminist when they found out I work for Planned Parenthood and I started shouting "LIBERTE! EGALITE! FRATERNITE!" Which doesn't even make sense. Anyway. I'm awesome at adult parties.
I love poetry Roses are red Tampons are red Sometimes your underwear are red if you're not careful If you have sex your boyfriend's penis will be red
Merry Christmas children!! I spent the day avoiding 35 of my relatives while playing with my 6 month old nephew. We then finished off the last 1/4 gal of Seagrams whiskey from 1976 and the rest of the 24 pack that I brought...not the best decision.
Finishing up my final tradition of the night, before turning in. I would always stay up on Christmas Eve to listen to this on vinyl with my mom and dad. Now my mom is gone, I live hundreds of miles away and work a retail job that doesn't allow me to go home for the holidays - but I've got YouTube, and the tradition stays alive. And the Makers Mark tradition has a good chance of continuing. Merry Christmas, Idiots.
My first white Christmas ever. Fuck yeah. We're getting like 6 inches just this morning. And in honor of Christmas: Steve Martin telling you what Christmas means to him: (skip to 45 seconds)
We have a Christmas Eve tradition of Fondue. This year was at my sisters house, started drinking Rum and Coke about 7. Ended the bottle at 10, came home and started on Pinnacle Whipped Orange, and Sprite. Now (1:53) time for bed. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, Idiots! I actually feel OK this Christmas. Usually, I feel like shit, but maybe that's just fucked up brain chemistry. Turkey lunch in T Minus 3 hours and counting... I got my dad a pretty cool gift: an ornamental bottle of Pusser's rum, but there was no rum in it - we haven't been able to get Pusser's here for the best part of a decade. But the bottle is very cool looking and, if I ever get to the U.K., I'll bring back several bottles of the stuff. I bought myself EA's Football Manager 12, since it was on special. I now get to spend most of the rest of the day downloading updates for it.
Apparently, a few months ago my aunt called my Mom to find out what sort of things I liked. You know, because cultivating a relationship with me and observing my interests is too difficult. My Mom very flatly told her that my only interests were "cats, reading, and Internet things." I am now the proud owner of several cat-themed sweatshirts. Is this when you realize that you're destined for spinsterhood? When your life literally becomes a Cathy comic? I am totally getting some fabric paint and nyan-ing these motherfuckers up.
Merry Christmas everyone! I have a very tolerable amount of visiting relatives to do every year, since a) There aren't that many left b) The ones that are left either have barely any contact with us or are assholes and don't have any contact with us I personally find that quite enjoyable, since I like to have a few days where I don't have to do shit all the time. So all I have to do today is sit through 1 or 2 hours of visiting my grandma, who used to tell everyone that my mom, who arranges everything for her, treats her badly. And she wonders why I can't stand her. Besides, food and booze.
Michael Richards is ALSO the gayest actor who ever lived, or did Danny Kaye hate black people? The Court Jester was a great movie, regardless. Anywhoo, Merry Christmas kiddies. All these neat toys my daughter gets, and it's her new CAMERA that's she's fixated on completely.
Oh, BIG FUCKING DEAL. So, she's a freak of nature. She tightens her chords. Some singers can do this better than others, she does NOT deserve the big cog fame that she has. Being able to sing so only German Sheppards can hear you hardly blows my skirt up. Sure, she can sing. So can everybody else in the music business. Hitting those notes doesn't make her better. It makes her irritating and a show-off. At least her stalker-loser craziness took her down a couple pegs. I mean, did you see Glitter? What a disgustingly cocky vanity project (which bombed like barely any film ever has). That, and I don't know why so many guys my age thought of her as spank bank material. To me, she'll always look like she was beaten with a really expensive ugly stick, like Pamela Anderson. You cannot posibly say anything good about a person if they married Nick Cannon. It's just plain science. You keep posting her, I will keep insulting both you and her for doing it.
We're having a wet Christmas. We've had thunder, lightening and rain since about 2 am. Temps are supposed to dip down to the 20s, so the roads are going to turn to ice and it's going to be a clusterfuck of accidents. Fortunately, I don't have to drive anywhere. And Danny Kaye was awesome as Walter Mitty. There's a movie that's ripe for a remake.
It snowed here last night, enough to give us a white Christmas. It's only the second time it's snowed here in almost eleven months. Must be all that climate change that in no way, shape or form exists (its in the bible!). We're off to my folks to get spoiled like every year now. No guilt here, my dad makes the best breakfast I've ever ate.
Oh my God. It gets better. EDIT: best part was the note that came attached. "Pinkcup, I talked to a lady at Barnes & Noble who said this was her FAVORITE book! She said you can collect all the hair your cat sheds and either stuff your knit cat with it, or weave your own thread out of cat hair! I know your cat is getting pretty old, so this way you can always have him nearby. Lots of love, (family member name) & family."
My dad sure fucking loves the Charlie Brown Christmas music. It's all that's been playing in the house, and will go on for a while longer. Well, that, and the horrible music that the AM radio station thinks is doing us a favour by playing commercial free.
There's like 2 or 3 jokes in there . . . nobody? Really, you guys must be hung over. Anyway, Merry Christmas, idiots. So, I'm sure everyone loves the Jim Carrey Grinch movie as much as I do. But, I always watched in on DVD. This year, it was running on ABC Family or something. They showed it with the deleted scenes in and included the one with the "Nog Off." The Grinch funnels egg nog (nice lesson, kids watching on ABC Family) and then, when he's had enough, pulls the phallic tube away from his mouth, and a whitish creamy fluid spurts onto his face with an extra drip. Really? Hi-larious. So, I know this is back a couple pages, but here's your South Georgia trivia for today: Red Lobster started as the Green Frog in Waycross, Georgia. (Name came from the restaurant in True Grit) True Story.
Nope. I don't even have any out of town relatives in to tempt me, either. The closest i'll come to imbibing is the vanilla extract in various baked goodies this week. Speaking of which, the red velvet bundt cake we had last night was damn near orgasmic. If any of y'all have a Nothing Bundt Cakes <a class="postlink" href="http://www.nothingbundtcakes.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">www.nothingbundtcakes.com</a> near you and you haven't tried it, you're really missing out. It's not cheap, but it's so worth it. (about $29 for a 10" bundt, $19 for an 8").