You had better look into the purchase of Persian cats and eye monocles. Have a mini escape submarine handy as a fail-safe.
Well, my parents just got an ultimatum; they have to move out of their current residence by this Saturday at 5pm and now the rest of my weekend is essentially consumed with helping them move. Hell, thy last name is Reese.
Anyone else think the idea of early Christmas shopping is awful? For some reason I like going into the stores at the last minute, slightly tipsy, watching the chaos of people who for some reason, are afraid of not getting something they want. I know a generation has lived through the Elmo/Furby/BeanieBaby scares of the 2000s, but really? I always know what I want to get and what I will get will work. Also people need to think of alternate gifts like massages with happy endings and sex toys. My dad is totally getting a gimp mask this year.
Christmas shoppers are 80% fuckheads and if it was legal I would stiff-arm them at random. We finish out Christmas shopping in October at the latest. No stress, no crowds, no going out in the goddamn cold to battle some crass mastodon mother over the last Ilsa from Frozen doll.
This is how my parents are, well my dad anyway. He was done mid November. Fuck anything else. Same with his sister/my aunt. My mom has a habit of going last minute, and every year is surprised its crowded and people are manic. I just like to go to downtown Chicago where its decorated to the max, and I think it'd look odd without massive crowds of people.
So my daughter was in the bathroom and I handed her this to put on the sink: Spoiler She thought it was something to use to scrub her face. I stared at her a bit and then asked her how she functions in society. To give her her due, she did look rather perplexed as she raised it to her face and started rubbing. I...she's super smart. I don't get it. She reminds me of one of my college roommates that was smart and could recite muscles, tissues, hypertrophy, etc. at random, yet we'd walk down the stairs and she'd be crawling through a window butt first because she forgot her keys--AGAIN. She's hysterical though. Just ask her to play an air drum solo for you.
Ha ha! Oh she does sound funny. Ha ha! I will totally ask her to do that! Ha ha. Just post her email address here. Ha ha. I look forward to contacting her. Uh, yeah, the her is your friend, not your daughter, btw. Assuming that's who you meant for the air drum thing.
In my experience, this is typical of hyper-smart people. I've known 3 or 4 people, one of which is my brother, who have a genius level IQ but are some of the DUMBEST people when it comes to basic logic. I don't know if they are always viewing things on a more complex level and basic tasks/logic don't compute because they are too simple and straightforward, but I have numerous examples of things that would be a breeze for a 5 year old, that would completely baffle these people.
See this is why I am a FIRM believer that every expecting parent be CPR/1st Aid trained, and that every parent renew their certifications: I just had to deliver back blows to my choking 6 month old (and transitioned briefly to the infant version of the Heimlich) for about a minute to a minute and a half before he regained the ability to inhale and exhale unimpeded. I thank my experience as a preschool teacher, and that I am still meticulously trained in CPR even as an administrator, in saving us at the very least one extremely expensive ambulance ride and hospital bill. Could have been a lot worse. I'll never forget the advice I received from the firefighter trainer in my first CPR/1st aid class over a decade ago. He told us, in summation, "Never run to an accident and if you're about to panic take a moment to breath. You don't think clearly when your adrenaline is going, that's when fight or flight kicks in and you make mistakes that can cost you the opportunity to save a life. You want to be calm and remember your training. The time you'd save by running is negated by the adrenaline it gives you. The time you spend calming down in order to save a life, is better than panicking and having a dead kid in front of you." I'll drink to that.
That was always a fear of mine when my kids were little. Choking. I don't know why. I never had a bad experience with it when they were infants. Until my son was 10 and started choking. I ran around and did the heimlich and it didn't work. All I could think was that I was going to watch my son's face turn blue and then die. I persevered and he finally coughed up this loooonnng string of cheese from his mozzarella stick onto his plate. He catches his breath and wheezes out, "Can I get a new plate?"
In my experience people, no matter their level of training, react on one of two extremes when placed in a real-life medical emergency: most often 1) they freak out and make decisions that make the situation worse and can even cost the patient their life; less often but best 2) they get this eerie calm about them and are dick-like, just-the-facts now-do-as-I-tell-you and handle the situation correctly and properly. That first medical emergency, almost everyone reacts exactly the same: freak the fuck out. But after that, people go either one way or the other. I've seen a lot of tough and competent people go completely numb and dysfunctional when emergencies arise. On the flip side, I've seen a lot of quiet people I've under-estimated become complete Type A personalities when needed. You never know your "emergency personality" until a true emergency hits. Might as well hedge your bets and get trained just in case you're the competent one.
I was trained. I was lifeguard certified and had my CPR and First Aid. In talking to people after, it seems quite a few have had experiences with mozzarella sticks. My son will still get them and when they are delivered he makes a point of looking at me and telling me he will chew thoroughly. With an eye roll. Geez, save a kid's life and all you get is attitude.
I should have qualified: I actually believe that everyone should work as a preschool teacher before they have their first child, because while the week or so of training is great, the on-the-job experience is what really matters. I said I think everyone should get CPR trained and that's not quite accurate, because before that I said that you can be trained and without experience you don't know how you'll react (read: I was dumb in the ending to my post). Dear Anyone Thinking About Parenthood, This statement summarizes parenthood. Are you sure you're still ready? Sincerely, Parents.