The old-fashioned way: be racist. Maybe scream about why nobody will answer the ringing telephone only you can hear, or deliberately piss your pants when they call you up. Is there anybody who likes/WANTS jury duty that isn't homeless or doesn't hate being around their family?
Start talking about jury nullification during your selection interview. There's no better way to not get selected. Or don't, if you don't feel like the risk of perjury (and jail) is worth the risk. On second thought, DO NOT mention nullification. Depending on the case, just spout off some weird or extreme viewpoint. When I was going through jury selection is was for a guy who was accused of molestation. I said they were the scum of the earth and was immediately excused. EDIT: THIS FUCKING CHICK ON THE BACHELOR NAMED HER SON "KALE."
If you/a close family member has any history working for a court or a law firm, find a way to bring that up in one of the answers to their questions. It's gotten me excused once, and I'd imagine it's because both sides would rather have someone without any preconceived notions about the law so that they're easier to persuade. Plus it's a good way to imply that you know about jury nullification without having to mention it. You forgot anyone who hates their job and would love any excuse to miss work for at least a few days. Out of curiosity, why perjury?
Got it, so I'll be my normal offensive self. I'll also be sure to mention my ADHD and anxiety, I've heard those are good ways to get excused as well.
There's a shit load that goes into it, but jury nullification is when the jury acknowledges someone is guilty but acquits them anyway or vice versa. It's not illegal technically, it's the result of a legal loophole. Judges and attorneys hope that no one on juries know about it because it can severely fuck up a trial. If you throw around "jury nullification" at the wrong phase of a trial or get on a jury with the intention to nullify, you can be charged with perjury (as a federal crime) for not upholding the duty of a juror. If it occurs by happenstance, (and it does) then it's fine and sometimes not a bad thing. For instance If someone helped a slave escape their owner, they were breaking the law. However a jury might find the law itself unjust and refuse to convict them. (That's the Wikipedia example).
So some of you probably have heard about that NY hedge fund. Big-wig killed in his apartment, I know big deal. But get this: his son killed him-- over a dispute because he wasn't getting enough ALLOWANCE. I repeat: this 30-year-old unemployed silver spoon... ...killed his rich daddy for not funding his entirely privileged existence well enough. He was bought into a degree from fucking Princeton but couldn't get a job. This is the world we live in.
Yeah, it's been snowing here a bit today... This morning on my way to work: Tonight: Just got announced that we can expect another foot tonight. Christmas finally came, just a bit late.
I'm gonna go on a limb and say it was deeper than that. Reading the article, it wasn't in a fit of rage nor did it seem to be well thought out or executed. As much fun as it is to bag on rich kids, I imagine this dude has a variety of synapses not properly firing and the result of his trial finds him in an institution. Or maybe he is just a horrible fucking human, but I'd bet on the former.
Regarding juries, just remember that a judge can find you in contempt if they think you're bullshitting them to get out of serving. Also, a teacher got fired in MA once because they tried that stunt, said some racist crap, got excused from jury duty and the record of the statements wound up seen by the superintendant.
Do you not want to serve on a jury because you have conflicts or don't want to miss work? Or think it's going to be for something that will last several days? If you ever are on trial for something or have a civil dispute in front of jury, do you want the dumbest of your peers who couldn't get out of it? Or, do you want some folks with sense? If you don't want to serve because of the time it will take out of your schedule, then don't even go. Unless you get picked for a big murder trial or something that takes a long time, the worst part about being picked for jury duty is not the actual trial. It's the possible 4-6 hours of waiting, doing absolutely nothing, while they weed through the candidates. (Hint: take a book; some places won't let you have your phone.) So, if that's the part you want out of, call your jurisdiction right now, and tell them you have a conflict for reporting tomorrow. Most places will allow you to pull your name this time, and then they throw you back in the pool. Could be years before you get picked again. If you actually do have a conflict, most places are reasonable about letting you not even show up. At least, that's the way it works where I live.
If you call and they let you out of it, great, but I definitely don't recommend just not showing up. The first time I went to jury duty we were all in the court room when they called the roll. The judge issued arrest warrants for everyone who didn't show up. Some jurisdictions are serious about jury duty.
. <--- Not a lawyer, not advising anyone to skip out on jury duty I was not recommending he just not show up and would not recommend that.
I recommend furious, retard style masturbation during voir dire to get excluded. Should do the trick.
The real joy of that picture is the awkward dude in the background with his shirt tucked into his shorts and what seems to be an awkward erection.
If you have ever wanted to wear racially offensive clothes in public you could kill 2 birds with one stone.
I knew they made these suits for a reason... nothing says, "one of your peers" like Mossy Oak Formal Wear.