More of a Rob Zombie catering theme to go with the menu: Again, perfect wedding photo content to remember that special day for years to come.
Preferably "Fat Girl" instead of Pachelbel's Canon in D. In fact, just play that the entire night. Even after people request/beg/demand something else. "Oh, right, sorry, I got you!..." Then more Fat Girl. It might sound quite soothing on piano. "The pianist made me walk to 'Fat Girl'. I don't even drink gravy." My friends, we keep joking about how horribly we'd ruin our weddings, or throw the most untraditional one ever, like a frat boy kegger. Then I remind everyone who the fuck would have us anyway.
Go with a live Madagascan Hissing Cockroach, Dubia Cockroach and field cricket sample platter with chilled monkey brains and camel penises for dessert. Make it nice and memorable and making air-headed brides and bridesmaids alike balking like cats facing a spray bottle. Perfect!
That reminds me of our wedding. It was a total shit show, took place in the pasture at our ranch. Wife and I got into the UTV to drive back to our house (shut up, it's a fucking ranch) and unbeknownst to us my cousin decided that was the perfect time to take a piss in front of it. But because he was shitfaced, his nice pants were around his ankles and he was leaning up against a tree for support. So we turn on the key, and 200 some odd of the guests remaining all watch in horror as the headlights illuminate my cousin mid-stream with his little dick hanging out and pants down. He goes "OH SHIT!" and instead of running off into the dark decides to attempt a sprint across the lit dance floor. Of course he forgot to pull up his pants and promptly ate shit, but he corrected and continued the sprint, all with a little trail of piss dribbling down his leg. Everyone was in stunned silence, except for me who was pointing at him and laughing like some little kid. He did not get laid that night.
I'd just buy a bunch of live chickens and when the reception starts, start chopping their heads off on a tree trunk, dunk the bodies in boiling water to get the feathers off and grill em up. "What? You wanted fresh food!"
What, you're telling me that a "challenge wedding" where a bunch of chickens and/or turkeys were released and the guests were given shotguns (or brought their own) and told they needed to catch their entree wouldn't be the greatest wedding ever?
Put all the guests, even (especially) the children, in a large pen. Tell them you have a special surprise. Release a bunch of live chickens, enough for one for each guest minus one. Tell them they have to catch a chicken in order to proceed to the next step. When they finally bring you their live chicken you tell them congratulations, you have earned your dinner. Kill all the chickens in front of them, even (especially) the children. The idiot who was too slow to catch a chicken doesn't get to eat. Because that's how nature works.
All Volvos have the door on the passenger side "In the event that the driver needs to add gas on the roadside, they won't be in the way of traffic." I still think it's horseshit. Remember when cars had gas tanks that filled from the rear? My mom had a late '70s Pontiac Bonneville, then an '86 Chevy Caprice that filled up that way. The 1970 Torino I bough fills this way, as did the 2nd generation Trans Ams. I'd assume that rear-impact standards are the reason we don't have this anymore. Anyway, about Angel's wedding dilemma: Whatever you decide to do about the music, you must - MUST- give a good wedding present. And by good, I mean terrible. Here are some examples of gifts I've given friends over the years: - A half empty jar of peanut butter - A black thong that was WAY too small to fit the bride - a broken USDA bug-trap - a can of soup that expired in the '80s - a picture frame that was severely warped by water, with a broken glass pane - Used spark plugs - a skunked bottle of Budweiser that I found in my shop that had been there in the 90+ degree heat for a couple of years The key to giving presents like this is to give a good gift under your own name, then give the shitty gift anonymously, or under a fake name, or better yet, someone else's name. The only problem for me, though, is that my friends know how my sense of humor works, and they usually figure out it was me as soon as they open it. Of course, those were example of gag gifts that I gave to my FRIENDS, so they were pretty harmless. But since you don't like these people, you could really go nuts: - a bunch of used condoms - dog shit in a zip-lock bag -used, worn out sex toys (we know you've got a drawer full of them, Angel...) - Poorly counterfeited money - a subscription to some offensive publication Those are just a few suggestions; I'm sure that the rest of y'all can come up with more.
In the interest of safety maybe fish landing nets should be used instead. Or we'll compromise and go with pellet guns. Either way... genius. Why not both, or all of the above? Call it a buffet. This thread escalated quickly...