2017 Holiday Drunk Thread NSFW

So I fell in the shower. I literally took something that I think kills only senior citizens and said "hold my beer."

My right arm near the elbow, don't know the name of the bone, is looking real damn funny right now. It's like trying to poke through the skin but too timid to man up and do it. Taunting me. The entire right side of my body looks like I was accused of being gay in the middle east. Hip, head, neck, and of course the previously-mentioned shoulder feel like thor's hammer got drunk and took out his anger on them.

I'm typing with my left hand because fuck you I can still live my life how I wanna!!... x-rays are in my future, I don't expect good news.

 

I find that story humerus.

 

xrays confirmed two dislocations (collar bone and where the arm bone... ulnar? forget the name, meets the shoulder) and now i'm looking at surgery, plates, possible permanent loss of motion.

And now i dont feel like an idiot for teaching myself to shoot with both hands.

 

If your ulna meets your shoulder, you've got bigger problems. If only there were some clue, say right in front of you, that could remind you what the name of the bone is.

Maybe you should start seeing doctors that know the names of the bones. Although, they don't usually get that until the first year of medical school.

Oh, it's okay to still feel like an idiot.

 

You done fucked up your shoulder son. Probably tore your AC joint. And maybe where it also attached to your scapula. And where your humerus attaches to your scapula too. You’re gonna be in a sling for a bit.

 

My morbid sense of humor pisses my wife the fuck off.

The dr called back, apparently they sent the xrays to a specialist who saw three fractures and was worried about ligament damage. So now it's phone tag with a specialist for surgery, more to make it stable than anything. "Hopefully with surgery you will regain some basic motion in your shoulder" is not a fun phrase to hear.

So of course I tell me wife that once I take these muscle relaxers (haven't yet) I won't be able to drive so she needs to go get me a bunch of target ammo so i can learn left handed shooting. She doesnt think thats funny.

Meanwhile my stepfather is organizing an off-handed skeet shooting beer drinking tournament. I'm gonna left hand weld the trophy.

 

It's like that wise old saying goes, "Firearms and reduced motor function go best with alcohol," amirite? Make sure there are children close by, too.

 

when you have every gun you could want but now you gotta learn how to shoot them left handed

and a bunch of ammo at your disposal. and its almost firework season.

sorry if i don't have the best grammar this is all one hand.

On my way back from the pharmacy there was a major car accident. Blood on the windshield, I couldnt reach my phone so had someone else call 911. She had no pulse..... I'm having a better day than that family.

 

I think you are misinterpreting the reason for a "Fear of God" talk with a young man. It's not a "If you ever have sex with her, I'll kill you" talk. It's a "You will treat her with the utmost respect at all times and if you don't and I hear about it, we're going to have a problem" talk. Most guys get it, though occasionally you have some thick headed idiot who doesn't.

 

despite many broken bones and dislocations, I've refused pain meds until now. The tally is at two dislocations and three broken bones that we know of (havent xrayed my hip and neck) so the pain got a little higher than some beer could take care of.

Enter my reluctant acceptance of pain meds for the first time since the brain tumor ten years ago. I have the immediate urge to vote republican and drug test those on welfare.

needless to say, i feel dirty

 

Didn't you say the x-rays showed your shoulder dislocated in two places? What kind of horrible third world medical facility did you go to that would check that but not your hip and neck (neck should be priority!?)? And then prescribe pain medication? That doctor should have his/her license revoked. I've never even gone to a new dermatologist without them wanting a complete medical history. With yours plus the PTSD you talk about, that doctor is completely incompetent.

I look forward to when you're typing out on a sip-n-blow keyboard - I'm assuming that's the next level.

 

France has pretty much always sucked. Until now. Check this girl out...she's 14.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

 

She’s every bit as good as Steve Vai. Talk about a prodigy, she’s a fucking murderer on that guitar.

 

Not in his case.

 

Wouldn't it be funny if half his stories actually turned out to be bullshit? Heh.