2017 Presidents Day WDT

Waiting in the bed of my truck for my wife to get home. She parks a few feet away from my truck and when she gets out I'm gonna jump up and scare the piss outta her.

Hope she isn't carrying mace.

 

You should rig a handle held air horn to the bottom of the car seat so when she sits down it goes off.

 

Maybe thats his intent?

 

I Dare you to wear a ski mask. You won't do it.

I DO guarantee you will find out if she has mace. Don't flinch. Take that shit like a sexy Siracha burn and keep the joke going.

 

Baby is too big for me to scare it outta her anymore. We'll find out the sex here in a few days.

Fun part is now though that it's getting increasingly easier to make her pee herself when I scare her.

 

Don't they just throw themselves off grain elevators down there?

 

I thought people just used stairs, maybe I'm old fashioned

 

You can always just smash the door on the microwave. Once it begins cooking food from across the room you'll know you've hit Ludicrous Speed.

 

I was watching Talladega Nights last night because fuck me I like it, and Ricky's dad told his little grandson the funniest thing I've ever heard, he said, "watch out you little shit I'll put you in the microwave"

 

It's my favourite Farrel movie until Anchorman 2. I loved it. It's dumb as fuck but you laugh so many times. And the soundtrack is top-notch.

"...his prize-winning horses, who are also gay."

I can't not laugh. But nothing tops the Kenny Rogers bit. I was fucking dying.

 

Ricky Bobby is getting ready to race in the Daytona duels. I bet he doesn't understand the new points system.

 

That's for if she tries to trick me into baby #3. I have my son's name inked on one arm, told her it's two arms and two kids. Or at least I'm only paying for two, if she wants another she's gotta find some other dude.

Kids are expensive. And I like money way too much. And I like spending money on my son way too much, can't imagine a bunch of those fuckers running around.

 

Don't you work at a preschool? I imagine you know the hell raising three kids would be....then there's the cute kid stage from like 7-11, then they become teenagers and its back to household hell.

Back in middle school baby in microwave jokes were funny as hell

 

That's why I only want 2. And why my wife and I waited until we'd been married a few years to have kids. Wanted to get all the fun out of our systems. People don't realize how much having kids changes things. It's still fun, but it's a different kind of fun. Apples and oranges. A lot of young parents with kids think they can still go out and party every weekend -- they don't realize the burden that's putting on their parents or grandparents to babysit. They don't realize the immaturity of it, what it's doing to the kids not always having the parents around and playing with them.

Wife just called me and said she ordered pizza. I may accidentally scare the pizza dude instead of el preggo.

 

Then tip him a little more.

 

I heart margaritas.

When we're done eating my best friend and I are headed to the theater to see The Princess Bride. My friend has never seen it before, which is inconceivable.

 

So long as she doesn't drink margaritas with a straw we should let it pass. If she does, then we can just say she's from Missouri.