If she doesn't cut ties, its because she wants to keep him around as emotional support like shes been doing for years now. Going to him when she's sad about her current on and off boyfriend. Wondering why she can't "meet a guy like him" and then keeps going back to the guy she's with hoping he will wake up one day and give her what she needs. Creepy dude sticks around because deep down she knows he wants her and can use him accordingly for her own needs. And play dumb when he finally finds a moment of confidence and absolutely blows it by going too far. And he's just too weak to cut ties to save himself the emotional frustration. I'm not defending pussies like him. Because his failure is his fault. You get treated the way you allow yourself to get treated. A stronger man would have left that mess alone ages ago.
I swear to God dude, you are the most negative person here and I happen to actually like you. Does anyone have a crystal ball? There is no way to know how it will end. How would she know if she does not address it directly with him? So losing a friend of 6+ years is better than trying to have an adult conversation about it? No matter what the end result is, atleast they would both know and understand the situation. Sticking your head in the sand and "lalalalaaaing" until it's over is never the right way to deal. Avoiding the conversation all together is childish, IMO. EDIT: Can you not read? She said they leaned on each other when it came to stuff like that.
The relationship is over at this point. Sad fact, but it is. You can't close pandora's box, continuing a friendship is just going to make him think he's still got a chance. He may say all the right things and act normal for another 6 years, but it will happen again and the whole time he's just going to be obsessing over the whole thing.
That may be, but still talk to him and not just ignore him from this point on. That's all I'm saying. That seems kind of shitty. He was a GOOD friend. Of 6 years. This wasn't an acquaintance that turned creepy.
It's very cool that we're having this discussion on here (and why I brought it up) because everything that is being discussed (a couple of the examples attached) are what I've been thinking about/going through ever since. I totally agree with Shegirl and I will say that in the 6 years we've been friends, I've not seen this side of him before so it does essentially make me sad to lose him as a friend. However, to get some of the guys' perspective about how it's likely to come up again, causes me to consider cutting my losses and walking away. He has tried to reach out to me a couple of times and I haven't responded to him as I've tried to figure out how I want to handle it. Now, he's either blocked me from Facebook or he's gotten off of it altogether - not sure which - but it does make me wonder if he realizes what a creep he was? Just a really unfortunate situation and ultimately I hope I handle it correctly. Any continued perspective/thoughts/advice are welcomed.
Something similar to this happened to me years ago(minus the stalker tones). Essentially I was single and this one platonic girlfriend of mine was also single(after having been in a relationship for 3-4 years). We ended up drinking at her place one night. I don't remember my exact words, but I brought up the possibility of trying out "us" and seeing where it would lead. She shot it down, giving a couple of reasons why it was a bad idea. We kept hanging out for a little while, then I left. We saw each other a few days later with friends, everything was fine. It came up briefly when we were alone, but we were both smiling and I was cracking jokes. It was a "very chill conversation"(her words not mine), and we still hang out from time to time. I'm not going to lie and say I never think about it, because I'm a guy and I think about sleeping with women all the time. But I'm also not an insecure stalker that gets all bent out of shape over something I have little to no control over. I tried, she said no, move on. It also helps that this woman is VERY cool/mature about just about everything. And texting was not involved at all. That's probably why I think it's so creepy(other than the fact that, you know, it is creepy).
Not to nitpick, but this guy didn't say that he had a crush on Soonergal, he didn't ask if she had ever considered the two of them hooking up, he didn't couch his "confession" with any kind of class. He said, "I want you Soonergal... holding out for you... you will love me some day... you will be mine". Those aren't the words of a casual crush. Those are the words of someone who has harboured deep-seeded feelings for someone who, from the sounds of it, does not reciprocate those feelings. You can't really salvage that friendship. This wasn't a drunken "hey, let's just see if she goes for it". I'd say let him down gently and walk away, but it would make me a hypocrite. I've ditched friends without a word for far less than this atrocity.
Seems from my perspective like it could have seemed like a normal friend relationship from Soonergal's perspective, but on his side it was not the same kind of relationship. Exactly. When you get a bad cut you don't just ignore it and let the wound fester, you address the wound then so it heals. I think it is very smart for Soonergal to think before she responds, but in my opinion she definitely has to address this for both of their sakes. It sounds like the relationship is pretty much over but I'd have the talk so it's clear for both of you. Just me but I'd rather hear a definitive "no" than have to keep wondering.
You do understand that the reason he was your friend for 6 years and that you guys were able to lean on each other was that he was hoping he could be with you right? He was not your friend because he cared about what you were going through he was your friend because he had ulterior motives and wanted you. I know this is a hard concept for women to grasp, but guys will put up with years of the torture of being in the friend zone to get a chance, but evidently this dude is not a closer and made a bad move. A conversation with him now is pointless unless you want to be with him, if you talk to him and try to understand where he is coming that just gives him hope that he can get with you. Cut your losses and don't talk to him it will save both of you heartache and hurt feelings.
Lets not forget that this guy is a pussy. He chose to allow himself to be in the friendzone. He embarrassed himself in his attempt to get out. And the above statement is absolutely correct. He was taking the passive route to hopefully land some pussy. And then went screaming over the line in the other direction. Now he's a creep. That's what I gathered from reading. They weren't leaning on each other. She was using him for the emotional support aspect. He was allowing himself to be used to one day get laid.
Didn't she say the guy just got out of a 3-4 year relationship? I don't think he necessarily was harboring these feelings their entire friendship. They could have developed after the breakup when he was coming to SoonerGal for support. He deserves a conversations, but it probably doesn't matter. He's going to get shot down and that'll be the end of the friendship. The may stay in some sort of contact, but it won't be on the same level. That's how these things tend to go.
I agree with what you say except his relationship with his gf ended three months ago, I think it takes more than three months for the "holding out for you... you will love me some day... you will be mine" feelings to develop. That's not flavor-of-the-week crush stuff, when he says "some day" it makes me think he's had these thoughts for a long time and is thinking long term too. Maybe three months was just enough time for him to gather the courage to make the statement when he's been thinking it all along.
I'm usually the first person to point out that inflection doesn't carry out well in texts/IMing, but any way you cut it "holding out for you... you will love me some day... you will be mine" is creepy as fuck. Could you imagine saying that to someone's face? Christ.
Well, it seems like you guys were always seeing other people so he didn't have the chance to say anything. He was probably attracted to you for a while but it was never really a good time to bring it up. There are a couple of things here, First off I would advise you not to date him simply because it seems like this guy has been mulling over this for a while. That means he has basically fantasized about this wonderful scenario where you and him are together and happy. He's put you on a pedestal, and that's a terrible thing for him to do to you because you'll never live up to that fantasy. Not to mention he's being incredibly insulting by basically telling you he loves you when the only romantic involvement you two have ever had is in his head. Heck, every time you guys "leaned on each other" he was probably hoping you'd have an epiphany and magically fall for him because you realized how good of a guy he is, but of course he wouldn't bring it up because some guys are absolutely terrified of rejection. I know you guys have been friends for a while and know each other pretty well, but the truth of the matter is that you don't really know people unless you're in a relationship and maybe not even then. So with that being said if you're not going to entertain the notion of dating him (and it sounds to me as if A: you weren't ever attracted to him and B: you've put him squarely in the friend zone) then you need to cut him off. Not to be mean but at the risk of sounding patronizing, it's for his own good. This guy has already built a fantasy scenario in his head and if you tell him he can't have it, but hey at least you can still hang out, you're just stringing him along. He might even tell you it's fine because from the little information you've given us it looks as if he's good at keeping things inside, but he'll resent you. By the way ladies, we want to bang you. We always want to bang you. If I remember SoonerGal is very attractive, so yes, your male friends want to bang you. Of course if they're in committed relationships (or if they're bitches) they might not try, but they want to bang you. I'm pretty upfront about it so that if it doesn't happen we get that out of the way quickly, but there are guys who still hold to the high schoolish school of thought that if you put in enough tokens in the friendship machine then sex should fall out, which is absolute bullshit. Nice guys don't get laid? No, little boys who don't make what they want clear don't get laid. Guys, women don't have ESP. Try to kiss them, ask them on a date "emphasis on date, not some group activity nonsense", whip it out, do something, but make your sexual attraction clear. Don't just hang around and act like a friend on the off chance that she might one day throw vagina your way. That is like me going into a Subway, sitting down without saying a word for hours, then getting mad because nobody made me a sub.
In all my years of trying, simply whipping it out has failed to work even once. It doesn't even work with my wife.
While I agree that the dude has probably had feelings for a long time, you know him, at least talk to him. You can ask fun questions like "How long have you felt this way?" and "Did you think your response was appropriate?". If you have no feelings for him that way let him know explicitly that it is never going to happen. In all likelihood, his feelings are going to remain and he will always be there hoping, but at least have a conversation like an adult and get it out in the open. Also if you keep talking to him, he is always going to think if he sticks around, he will get in there. So long story short, freindship over, but at least talk about it. On the flip side, I have an ex-girlfriend that I haven't spoken to in 10+ years who is has been constantly trying to get in touch with me the past year. I have been blowing her off. She has a kid and is recently divorced. What the heck does she want? Something more than the D?
Just in case this hasn't been emphasized enough, pretty much every woman who has more than two friends who are guys will have at least one guy who holds secret feelings for her. I honestly have a hard time believing that any women are oblivious to who these guys because it's usually blatantly obvious they have feelings. I don't know how those guys do it. I can not be friends with someone I'm romantically interested in. Either we date or we don't associate at all, the friend zone is just self-imposed torture. On the other hand, I'd fuck every single one of the women I'm friends with, but I'd never even consider dating any of them.