I am catching up on Walking Dead and not an episode goes by where I don't think, "You're such a dumbass, Andrea."
I wish my dad was a Dreamworks animator... it would have made our home movies so much more interesting.
First he kills Trayvon and now this!? Been engaged for two weeks and I'm already sick of hearing about wedding planning. So much so, that I blocked Pinterest on the home router. She has no idea why the site doesn't work at home, and I just shrug my shoulders and go back to my whatever.
Just get married on the hush. I cannot tell you how glad I am that the 20 people in attendance (and you lovely folk) were the only people to know in advance that we were getting married. Minimal headache, minimal pomp and circumstance, minimal involvement from people who believe to this day that their opinions mean anything.
I have never screamed at my mother even close to the way I did when she said she was going to boycott my wedding because my wife and and I said"No Kids" for the reception. Sorry, but we know too many lunatics and I don't want lil' 'uns around that. She wasnt having that, and said she should get a vote to which my reply is "No, kids aren't coming, end of story." She egged me on so much Im pretty sure I blacked out from getting so frustrated. My wife and I paid for practically everything in the wedding ourselves, and screamed ITS HAPPENING OUR WAY, WE BOTH KNOW YOU'RE GOING NOW FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!! Only time I broke a phone in my life. Do not tell adults how to run their lives. The only thing that bothered me about wedding planning was that incident.
Yeah, it's Andrew Zimmern, the dude that eats GROSS SHIT. Ick. Juice, you're just a mean asshole. I'm telling.
I was away at school when my brother-in-law's little sister got married. I recently found out that she had an ice sculpture at her wedding. This was years ago and the couple have since divorced so money well spent. On the plus side, her new guy spent a number of years touring with Ronnie Hawkins so maybe I'll get the chance to watch the Hawk drive a few more nails into the coffin when those two tie the knot.
I watched a Tonight Show clip from the show just a few days back. His guest was indeed the man Bill Cosby. Jimmy did a pretty soild impression of him.
There's always room for Jello Well, gawd, I hope that doesn't mean Juice is gonna start posting Fallon gifs.
Aside from buying a ring it's wedding planning that I have less than zero interest in. I don't want to have anything to do with it. I'm glad my girlfriend is a reasonable person and says she wants a simple wedding, but it's my sisters that will suggest otherwise.
I wish I were at that beach This day sucked ass. I propose a toast to a perfect photographic cure*: hot weather, hot car, hot girl *Alcohol must be supplied by viewer. I know funball won't like it because her mouth is open. Whatever.
My mother in law called my wife a "bride-zilla" at our wedding because my wife dared to say she "didn't care" if the flags at the back of the church we were married in we're left up there for pictures (if they showed up, we didn't care). She then berated my wife until she cried. On her wedding day. See, mother in law wanted them gone, thought they were "ratty." My father in law, a particularly patriot fellow, wanted them left up. My mother in law called on my wife to settle the argument, and when my wife said "I don't care, I have bigger things to worry about, just leave them," my mother in law started screaming about how my wife was being a bride-zilla and demanding everything her way. She had been making comments like this for months (god forbid my wife want her wedding HER FUCKING WAY) and my wife finally just snapped, started crying, and laid into her mom for acting like that. It's the only time I've heard of my wife (I didn't see it, I was getting drunk with my brothers in the groom's room) standing up to her mom like that, and my mother in law watched her shit the rest of the day, didn't say another negative word. And yes, my brothers and I did about four shots in the church before I got married. I barely remember the wedding, i was just glad I didn't slur the vows too much, and I was glad the pictures took 3 hours as it gave me time to sober up before driving to the reception, only to get shitfaced again. Now if you'll excuse me, I am posting this from a hotel room in the suburbs of Detroit, visiting my wife's family. I need to go kill myself. Shouldn't be hard. I'm just gonna walk outside and hold up my wallet. I'll be dead in 5 minutes.
A few nights ago I heard a bunch of bottles clanging together, called for our cat (the likely culprit) couldn't find her and thought I was going crazy. The noise was annoying the shit outta me. Finally I went outside and found an opossum in the trash with an El Sol beer can in its mouth. The nearest deadly weapon was my pistol crossbow I use to target shoot and fuck around with. 50 lbs of drawback doesn't mess around though. A bolt into his skull and the fucker was out so quick he kept that crushed beer can in his mouth. The carcass was even still holding onto the can when I took it out for the vultures, cycle of life and all that. tl;dr : Fuck opossums.
Dude you are so metal. My girlfriend is wedding planning with her friends. To me, it is the most inane-sounding shit of all time. "Carly, I love that place setting, it's made of my dreams. I envisioned this dress in a dream I had about you." I will ejaculate somewhere inappropriate out of spite for this girlish fuckery. Like her purse. Maybe I'll live the dream and wipe my ass with her rabbit. Anyway, vicious payback is coming.
The one and only feeling after its over is what I felt: thank GOD it's over. THANKFUL that nobody died, thankful that faggy-looking birdcage is filled with envelopes. I had some funny shit happen at my wedding, a LOT. One of my favourites is the coke dealer crashing the reception. Total balls, walks right in with his ball cap twisted sideways tapping his nose for "The Signal" like we're in Studio 54. Hi-larious.