I would have figured that you reverse-cowgirling the racism out of a Neo Nazi would have made for a great Broad City episode/script. Illana could make that humor go real dark, real quick.
Guys, I think I might have failed as a parent. Not only does my daughter somehow LIKE Episode 7(her first time watching it was last weekend), but she just told me that EPISODE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING ONE(!!!) was her favorite. Y'know, the one that is INDISPUTABLY THE WORST OF THE BUNCH! I have clearly failed in my parental duties and will be performing seppoku shortly.
Tax return just hit. Time to pay off some bills, then wife gave me the go ahead to both purchase and fully rig out a fishing kayak. Hell. Yes.
Umm. You better arm it with a million floaties, bubblewrap, duct tape, super glue and an ER doc because adding your brand of, well you, with water could prove to be fatal. Just sayin'.
I'll wear a life vest. I actually built a 17 foot wooden sea kayak that floats and tracks really well. "Stitch and glue" construction. Took 2 years, but I did it. I can do Eskimo rolls in my sleep at this point. Paddled that thing for miles and miles, fun as hell. So yeah, sit on tops are nothing.
It has suddenly occurred to me that I am going to have to buy a shitload of furniture for the new house. I've decided I will put all of my shitty bachelor apartment stuff in the basement and live down there for a while. The rest of house will serve as a DMZ I must cross to get to the garage and grilling area.
My wife had just gotten out of the shower and was putting on lotion and crap and whatever women do, and my almost 3 year old son walked up behind her and shoved a comb up her ass. Ballsack would be proud. He looked at me to see if he was in trouble, I just started cracking up and gave him a high.
If the neighbors didn't want to see me naked, then they shouldn't have been born. They knew what they were getting into.
What kind of psychopath spends a grand on a microwave? Why would you possibly need one the size of an old Amana Radarange? Are you microwaving toddlers on automatic settings for multiple time zones?
I had to do that a few years ago so I opted to use it as an opportunity to make furniture instead. I went to the local Restore (Habitat For Humanity 2nd hand furniture for stupid cheap) and basically bought the essentials, and then slowly replaced them one by one with shit that I made. Curtains are fucking crazy expensive... so again, I bought a sewing machine and made my own. The best part was going into the local FabricLand and asking some old grandmotherly type for help... here I am a big, blue-collar looking guy in a beard asking about bobbins for my new sewing machine, and being doted on by 3 sales people who thought it was awesome. When I was checking out I was asked if I had a membership card, and she laughed after realizing what she asked, and then just ran it through the store's discount. Moral of the story is if you look like you're way out of your element but giving it a serious try, people will go out of their way to help you and you'll benefit. In the end I think I spent less than $500 all in, and that included the machine (great sale on Amazon) and material and mounting hardware.
This reminds me of the first time I went to the local Mexican grocery store down the street. The prices for things are way better and you can get some good meat. Anyhow, I was the only white guy in there and one of the workers walked up to me and asked me if I was ok. As if I must be lost or ill. "Senor?? Are ju ho-k?" When I asked where certain items were because the layout of the store was illogical, they basically shopped for me.
Curtains were expensive. But good blinds cost between $75 and $100 a pair. I asked my wife if we could do one or the other instead of both. She invoked the white trash clause (if either of us deem something to be of white trash quality it must be dealt with quickly). On the plus side we have some sexy windows now.
I'm in the throes of furnishing a house, too. I think it's supposed to be fun or something, but I kinda wish I could just afford to pay someone to decorate everything. So far, the highlight has been the cat puking on the brand new rug. The entire house has wood floors, but he picked the one area with a rug. And now it's tainted forever. The little shit.
Quoted just so people read this. I have biology to thank, I'm going on a 7 year marriage and a 3 year old son, yet I still get IDed for spray paint, go figure. Regardless, if I'm making a quick run to a home depot or lowes, I make sure I'm wearing tennis shoes instead of boots and a tshirt instead of my usual cutoff sleeveless. I know what I'm looking for, but people tend to help you out when you don't "look the part." They're also a lot more liberal on their discounts. I'll take them calling me "sweetie" if it means I get better service and they apply a coupon I don't have.
I'm the opposite. I'm so ethnically ambiguous that I get treated as one of their own with special treatment and freebies and discounts regardless of whether I'm in a Hispanic grocery store/Latin restaurant, Middle Eastern shop/restaurant, Italian bakery/restaurant (this is my favorite because I get cookies AND they always want to hook me up with their grandsons), Greek restaurant (I once said "yes" to "Are you a good Greek girl who goes to church?" in order to get freshly made tzatziki sauce), or the one time I made a friend with an old Chinese lady at dim sum because she thought I was Indonesian. If they ask, they always think I'm exactly the same thing as them too, so I make Puerto Rican, Brazilian, Chilean, Spanish, Portuguese, Iranian, Armenian, and Egyptian friends all over the place. Meanwhile, the only place people actually clock me as Eastern European is when I'm in their stores or restaurants where they'll talk at me in Russian or Ukrainian or Polish but I don't get any special treatment because being nice is for the weak.