It's not just preemies who give you trouble. My kid was full term and was diagnosed at 4 months with Infantile Spasms stemming from a perinatal stroke. So my baby had a stroke. Like what old people have. Treatment for this is brain surgery to detach the part of her brain that the stroke fucked up. So, baby brain surgery. This was also not in the manual. That said, I wish you all the very best, Jimmy. A tip for a new father from my husband: "At some point in the coming days or weeks, you will look at your wife and she will look haggard. Exhausted. Depressed. You may feel inclined to say 'what can I do to help?'. Resist this urge. She will likely say 'I don't need anything' or 'I'm not tired'. Instead, pick the baby up, say 'I want to take her out for a little walk. I WANT to do this. (Even if you don't). Now fuck off for a few hours with the kid. Bonus points if you've already opened a bottle of wine for her while you were packing the kid into the stroller."
In less depressing news, this image has shown up on my Facebook feed twice. Here are some of the comments from people I went to high school with. I have every reason to believe they are serious.
Burdizzo. It's specifically designed for "non-surgical castration." For cows, anyway. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burdizzo
One time I broke both bones in my arm on a Friday 13th. Next time Friday 13th rolled around my mother joked I should stay indoors. Figuring it couldn't hurt, I did. Of course the next day I went out and broke my shoulder when I fell out of a pickup (almost landed on my neck). About 10 years later I'm out trimming trees in my yard, branch falls a weird way, knocks the ladder out from under me and breaks my nose. After I chugged some whiskey and re-set it (wasn't the first time I had broken my nose at that point), I remembered the date. Yup, Friday 13th. That's four bones in total the date has claimed, for those of you keeping track at home. I'm not superstitious, but I do have some really bad timing.
Damn you people with your baby stories. You made me have to go and hug and kiss my 18 year old sons and tell them how much I love them. Hey! 18 year old men do not want their fathers hugging and kissing on them for no reason. My ribs should be good in a couple of weeks.
Working in an office full of women sucks. This morning a group of them gathered about 10 feet from my desk discussing how much their husbands suck. Why do their hisbands suck? Glad you asked. Because their husbands won't let them wear revealing swinsuits and low cut tops. Not a single one of these women is under 75lbs OVER what they should weigh. Think 5'4" and 240 lbs. One said "I have a cute mesh bikini that's see through and he said I couldn't wear it." Well, thank fucking God. No one wants to see that shit. Can I sue for sexual harrasment on the grounds that I never want to have sex again after the horrifying visuals they placed in my brain?
Weird, I've worked in female-majority workplaces for most of my professional life and I've never heard any of my coworkers have a conversation resembling anything even remotely similar to what you're describing. What kind of place do you work at?
You fucktards, it's not a spaceship, it's a fucking PENIS. http://www.castanet.net/news/Kelowna/147037/Mystery-art-crash-lands Somewhere, there is an artist getting high and laughing his ass off that he pulled one over on the high-brow art crowd here in town. Fuck you, and touché.
Another magnificent trolling of wangs. Between this and Portland getting turned into a dildo Christmas tree in July, I can't decide which is funnier. ...at least nobody thought they were numchucks.
The article says it's one of several art pieces that will be set up unannounced in the next few months. I really hope they're all dicks, each slightly more obvious than the last. It would be interesting to see how long art snobs hold out before admitting they've just been discussing dick statues for months. "The five ton dildo blocking the highway in both directions clearly represents repressed sexuality in a post gender world, this is spectacular work."
Just a grown man showing off his collection of My Little Pony swag. 24 minutes long. I feel like I need to go to the hospital and get a rape kit done.
All-Day Breakfast is coming. I get to sit in a meeting and hear all the campaigns all the agencies are trying to get on the air. It'll be exciting. Never seen people work so hard and agonize over something that's going to sell itself.
No kidding. Sausage McMuffins all day? Awesome. Except that they're now $2.99 each instead of 2 for $3.33. Phooey on that.