One of my most bacheloresque moments actually saved my life. Four or five years ago, I returned home from a long weekend out of town without having eaten all day. In true bachelor fashion, the only food I had in my fridge was a 2 week old cheesecake that my aunt had bought me for my birthday. Waiting 45 minutes for pizza delivery was out of the question, so I opted to eat the cheesecake. The entire thing. In one sitting. Not surprisingly, I had the worst stomach ache of my life the next day at work, so I left early and tried to sleep it off. I tossed and turned for hours, but the discomfort wouldn't go away. I felt like I had a 10 pound turd lodged at the bottom of my intestines...the gas buildup was unbearable. I must have sat on the toilet for hours, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't grow even the slightest tail. I made it through the night, but the pain was worsening and I finally came to the conclusion that I might need some sort of medical attention. I drove myself to the ER and explained to the nurse that I think I ate some bad cheesecake and that I must have had some sort of adverse reaction to all that dairy (I rarely drink milk or eat dairy products anymore). After running several tests, they acknowledged that my system had not reacted well to 10 servings of cheesecake, and that additionally, if I had not come in, my appendix would have ruptured before the end of the day. 2 hours later, I was under the knife. Prior to that visit, I had NEVER had any surgery or stitches in my entire life, and hadn't been to the hospital in well over 10 years. Had I not attributed my discomfort to bad cheesecake, I probably never would have made that trip into the ER, and maybe wouldn't be here today.
-On one side of my bed I have a pile of clean clothes. On the other side I have dirty ones. The dirty pile is large, because I only wash what I plan on wearing for the week. -I've went months without vacuuming. -I don't do the dishes until I run out of them -I use my wine rack to hold liquor bottles. -my refrigerator currently has 18 different types of beer in it. And no food other than a can mayonnaise. -Back in the day when I drank a beer I left bottle on the coffee table. I would repeat this until a week later when there was no more room on the coffee table, finally forcing me to trash the beer bottles. -I've ate red meat everyday for a month straight. -I rarely put the toilet paper on a rack. I think it is about time for me to put my life together.
I fall under the "classy" bachelor. My place is generally clean and free of a bunch of clutter. I have a full set of dishes and silverware and no plastic disposable ones. There are not dirty dishes stacked up for an extended period of time. I have a wine rack with wine and the correct wine glasses. My bed is a full sized bed with skirt and comforter. I make it almost every day too. Focus: I never close the bathroom door. I shower and shit with it wide open and it's glorious!
Having the gift of the double X chromosomes, I am proud to say that in my one bedroom one bath, the walls are painted, pictures and mirrors are up, I vacuum, I do dishes, hell I even make the bed everyday. My boy? Not so much. He lives in an apartment with 3 other "bachelors". One of them doesn't even have a room. He just sleeps where ever he passes out and keeps his stuff under the couch. They all left for deployment about two months ago and I was driving them to their unit the morning of. As I looked around the apartment, there were old beer cans on the coffee table, pizza boxes from the night before, dishes in the sink, milk in the fridge... They're not coming back for 8 months. A few weeks after they left, I went in with a box of garbage bags, rubber gloves, and vacuum. I scrubbed that apartment from top to bottom, kitchen, living room, even bathroom... where I almost threw up like 5 times. It will be my coming home present to them, but I'll be god dammed if those men don't need some women in their life. I had to go back to grab some stuff to mail my boy that he left behind one day. Upon entering the apartment, my first thought was: "Wow, it actually doesn't smell like a bag of a thousand assholes in here anymore." ...I give it approximately two hours after they return before it goes back to being the Bachelorville Garbage Dump.
When I was living single I kept my house neat and tidy and put on a really good show. It was all the stuff you couldn't see that I really started to slip on and didn't realize just how gross I'd gotten. The fiance was disgusted with some of the things she found out about my housekeeping when she started spending more and more time over night as the girlfriend. Most notably I was taking a piss before bed one night when she was brushing her teeth. I got done, must have dribbled some on the rim of the toilet without noticing, and started walking away. She yelled at me that I'd gotten pee 'all over' the toilet rim so I walked back over, shrugged, lifted my foot and wiped it up with my sock. I then walked into the bedroom took off my socks and tossed them in the hamper before crawling into bed. She freaked the fuck out. She then realized that although I keep my microwave spotless, I vacuum the carpets twice a week, and do all the things people notice... that I just ignore anything I can that no one else is going to notice.
What? ZOOM, ENHANCE. What the fuck was going on in your shower? Do you raise and slaughter swine, are you that bad with a razor, or do you keep red algae for fun or profit? Focus: I have one knife with me, a Wave multitool. The blade is used to spread peanut butter, slice cheese and meats, and perform minor surgery. Alcohol, hydrogen peroxide, and soap are handy things. Shitting while eating is not a problem if the bathroom is properly ventilated. Alt focus: Bread is an edible napkin. any falling bits of food just means you've got a new sandwich to make.
I kind of jump back and forth between both extremes Classy Bachelor: - I have a maid that comes regularly to keep my house looking nice and tidy - I keep almost all bathrooms extremely clean - I have a small wine fridge that is always stocked with better-than-shit wine - I also keep a bar stocked with the major liquors, and typically keep good beer in the fridge - The walls are painted, and all appliances coordinate with each other in my house - I have converted a bedroom into a gym, with a squat rack and freeweights galore Not So Classy Bachelor: - I have not owned a bed frame in 10 years. Its just box spring and mattress on the floor. - I don't own a table. I have 3 couches and 2 giant (6' diameter) bean bag chairs for watching movies, but I always eat off my ottoman or an inactive subwoofer - I don't own a TV stand. My projector screen is wall mounted, so thats good, but my other tvs just lie on the floor - There is nothing in my fridge but deli meat/cheese and assorted beverages - I have wood blinds throughout, except in my gym where I have paper blinds, and a pillow covering up the bathroom window (and has been for 2 years) - I use nothing but paper plates, plastic cups, and plastic utensils that I buy bulk from Sam's. God bless you Sam's. - My computer sits next to my bed, on top of trunk, with the monitor on top of the PC itself. And I am a programmer, I use computers A LOT. - I use my exhaust fan to blow weed smoke into when its cold out to keep my house smelling somewhat fresh. - The only bathroom that isn't clean is my bedroom one, because when I wake up in the middle of the night I don't want to have to aim. I have a completely different bathroom for shitting so I don't sit in my own filth
It is from the iron in the water, happens to me as well. I am the same way, just replace shower curtain. I also find ways to stack shit everywhere and never put it away. Laundry, dishes, trash, newspapers, groceries (unless they need refrigerated), etc. I never make my bed but I do wash my sheets frequently.
Before I was married, I used to have Playboys out for guests to read on the coffee table. Apparently, some find it offensive.
This is true. I once lived in a place where I swear you could direct the water with a magnet. The last place I lived we had to empty out the faucet screen regularly to get out the pebbles that were blocking the water from flowing
I agree with this. Back when I was single, my apartment was always clean, my closet was organized, and I only had to do laundry (hung-over) every Sunday morning. It took me a grand total of 30 min. to completely clean my apartment. Now….Fuck me. 3 kids, laundry every day, teenage boy stink, broken shit, cleaning crayon off walls, it never ends. Don’t get me wrong, we have well behaved kids, its not like they are the “Bumpus kids” It just seems as if all the Mrs. and I do is try to push a rock up a hill.
Bachelor's life has included for me at various points: Cooking steak naked. Taking a shit with boxing wraps and gloves on. I had a fridge specifically for kegs, which when we stopped throwing parties for a few weeks, became full of holes from our (indoor) bow practice. Pissing off the front porch. Using coffee grinds to absorb odors...in the bathroom. Cement blocks, wood planks and metal girders as furniture fixtures. Having one trash can for trash, and one for empty alcohol containers. Coffee table reading: IHTSBIH, Maddox, a legal pad with man laws written on them, and some of the following: SI swimsuit issue, Victoria Secret catalog or Maxim magazine. I second the Axe spray as an air freshener, "loaner" bathing suits, and the maid service once a month (After the first visit, she asked for more money, which was hilarious).
I'm not really a bachelor, I'm just some college kid living away from home for the first time. I keep on top of my laundry, sweep my floor and generally keep all my shit neat and tidy. Apparently girls don't like fucking guys living in crack dens. BUT in my room when I'm watching TV I'll usually be drinking water (I DO NOT DRINK TAP WATER IN THE DORMS. BOTTLE ONLY.) and when I'm done with the water bottle I'll be too lazy to get up so I'll toss the bottle between a little space where the wall and the desk are, but it can't be seen unless you look behind my desk. I'd say there's about 200 bottles in there. I've been doing it since august: Here's an illustration to better understand what I mean: The red is where I've started my water bottle landfill.
All the "art" I have on my walls are framed liquor adds from the 40s. I have Rock Band guitars on stands right next to my real guitars. My lotion for "special time"? Sitting right there on the computer desk. A 26" tv with cable and a dvd player sitting on my bathroom counter (I've got a hot tub sized bathtub). Most of the boxes I used to move in are still folded up and stacked on my balcony in the corner, a year and a half later. When I work the mid shift (12-8AM) rarely even make it to my bedroom to sleep. Just crash on the couch while watching tv.
My bachelor days meant my grocery shopping would be almost identical every single week. I'm not much of a cooker, and have very simple taste, so through college and the first year out it never would change much. -Macaroni & Cheese -Whatever frozen pizza was on sale -Tyson chicken strips -Zesti french fries -Chocolate milk -Case of beer -Whatever cereal was on sale -White milk -Bread -Sandwich meat There would be stuff added in if it was on sale and I ran into it at the store, but those were the essentials.
Jeez, I must've been a huge slob. I always got the black milk. It's the dented can of the dairy world, ya know.