I told the majority of these at a wedding in Colombia, and they made me a star. Unless you're in a room with people who don't mind it when you really, really push the envelope of vulgarity, they'll work like a charm. "There's many a good reason for drinking, And one has just entered my head. If a man doesn't drink while he's living, How the hell can he drink when he's dead?" "Here's the to girls that say they do, And the girls that say they don't. Here's to the girl that says she does, Although you know she won't. But the girl I'll always drink to, Until my dying day, Is the girl that says she never will, But 'just for you, I may.'" "Here's to bars, drinkin', and fuckin' Without these escapes, life would be suckin'" "Over the lips, past the gums, Look out stomach, here it comes." "Here's to pussy and gun smoke: May you live by one, die by the other, and always enjoy the smell of both." "Here's to the girl who fucks the best. I've fucked her naked, and I've fucked her dressed. I've fucked her standing and I've fucked her lying. And if she had wings, I'd fuck her flying. And when she's dead and long forgotten, I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten." "Here's to the ladies in the high heeled shoes, they'll smoke your pot and drink your booze. If she ain't a virgin it's no sin, as long as she's got the box that the cherry came in!"
I only had one that I said regularly in my college days. Here is to the stork that brings good babies The raven that brings bad ones And the swallow that doesn't bring babies at all
Some Guinness was spilt on the bar room floor, after the pub was closed for the night. When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse, who stood in the pale moon light. He lapped the frothy foam from the floor. Then back on his haunches he sat. And all night long you could hear the mouse roar, "BRING ON THE GOD DAMNED CAT!" Here's to the drink we give to the girl, to loosen her up for the lies that we'll tell. And here's to the the bed that knows all men do, really want love, but will settle for a screw!
My BIL always uses something similar to this: Yeah, it was funny, the first time I heard it. I've rarely used what fern quoted in the second post:
In honor of Friday, Tonight I embark on a world tour. Ireland, Russia, and Istanbul. The best thing about my vacation? I can do it all in one night from a bar stool.