Having survived the cockroach attack of 2012, I am here, beer in hand. Bring me your redheads (preferably with tattoos and piercings)!
So...you know those evenings when you think you're totally sober and then you try to do something? Yeah, I totally thought i was fine, and then I walked my dog. I am deeeerunk. Margaritas with the girls involved a significant amount of tequila.
Last week, my wife gave me epic amounts of shit for chatting online with people. Apparently it is 'not normal.' Her hormones were raging all weekend, resulting in the following rants: 1) We don't have any food in the house. This is despite us going shopping that day, and there being a full cabinet, fridge, freezer, and chest freezer in the garage. When she said "we don't have any food" what she meant was "we don't have any food I am craving." This, naturally, was my fault, and I was sent to the store to get her some peanut butter and a jar of pickles. She dipped the pickles in the peanut butter and ate them. I nearly threw up. 2) She hates how fat she is getting. She has spent her entire life being 5'10" and weighing no more than 140 lbs. She (naturally) gained weight with her pregnancy. She is not handling it well, despite the fact that the doctors have told her that she is at the right weight for her stage of pregnancy (entering her 3rd trimester). While I wanted to say "well, eating peanut-butter covered pickles probably won't help," my common-sense slapped my sarcastic brain before I could say it. If I had said it, I have little doubt I would be missing fingers and unable to type this. 3) The painters were coming, so it was my job to move everything out of the living room. When I protested that it was unnecessary to move the giant, heavy sectional, because we're paying painters over $1000 and they said they'd move the furniture for us, she proceeded to spend twenty minutes crying (literally crying) because her friends are too busy with their jobs to hang out with her. It was at that moment that I figured out that her train of thought had derailed, killing hundreds of brain cells. Pregnant women is crazy.
Last week, my wife gave me epic amounts of shit for chatting online with people. Apparently it is 'not normal.' Her hormones were raging all weekend, resulting in the following rants: 1) We don't have any food in the house. This is despite us going shopping that day, and there being a full cabinet, fridge, freezer, and chest freezer in the garage. When she said "we don't have any food" what she meant was "we don't have any food I am craving." This, naturally, was my fault, and I was sent to the store to get her some peanut butter and a jar of pickles. She dipped the pickles in the peanut butter and ate them. I nearly threw up. 2) She hates how fat she is getting. She has spent her entire life being 5'10" and weighing no more than 140 lbs. She (naturally) gained weight with her pregnancy. She is not handling it well, despite the fact that the doctors have told her that she is at the right weight for her stage of pregnancy (entering her 3rd trimester). While I wanted to say "well, eating peanut-butter covered pickles probably won't help," my common-sense slapped my sarcastic brain before I could say it. If I had said it, I have little doubt I would be missing fingers and unable to type this. 3) The painters were coming, so it was my job to move everything out of the living room. When I protested that it was unnecessary to move the giant, heavy sectional, because we're paying painters over $1000 and they said they'd move the furniture for us, she proceeded to spend twenty minutes crying (literally crying) because her friends are too busy with their jobs to hang out with her. It was at that moment that I figured out that her train of thought had derailed, killing hundreds of brain cells. Women are crazy.[/quote] Fixed that for you.
I'm out front of a fetish club I'm working at tonight, waiting for the guy with keys to show up so I can go get set up. Hang puts from my phone are you hard basket.
Sweet fancy Moses, who is girl number 2? I got peer pressured into going out, but then also got peer pressured into being DD. I need to learn to just say no.
Actually, you just need to learn how to say "Bartender, these fools want me to drive, so can I have 2 boiler makers please."
Oh Good God. On the Today show (fuck off, I'm headed to the gym and having coffee) they had a piece on 'Beautiful Women Over 60' and actually had the gall to say that Jane Fonda, Vera Wang and Helen Mirren looked better than some women in their 30's. Is this the newest 'beauty' fad? Women over 60? This reminds me of the whole 'pregnant women are beautiful' ration of shit that was popular 15 years ago. Can there be a GILF magazine/website too far behind? Sorry, not too many women over 60 (none I can think of right now) that I think are more attractive than women in their 20's and 30's. Like it or not, when it comes to beauty/sexiness age and pregnant status matter. I know, I'm so shallow.
Only familiar with recent pictures of one of those dames, so I can't really comment too much, but I will say that sometimes the bar of looking better than some thirty year olds--not all, but some-- is pretty fucking low. For example: People of Wal-Mart pic: Spoiler Helen Mirren Bikini pic: Spoiler Easy choice. Mirren pic is from September 11.
A) A bit of 'nsfl' - not safe for life on the first one would have gone a long way. B) Ok, fair enough, Helen is hotter than the two redneck dudes in the first photo. I absolutely will not concede that the things in the first photo are women.
I would WRECK Helen Mirren. Her hip would be pulverized by the time I got done pile driving that dusty catcher's mitt. Grab a handful of that grey hair and pull it back to whisper in her ear about Prohibition and The Charleston. "Who's my dirty, old bitch? What was Eisenhower mania like?" *slap slap* "Let's get the early bird and some Bean-o." You'd have to be careful when you put your fingers in her mouth in case you accidentally dislodge her dentures. FOCUS: I met South Florida cliches last night. Boring, attractive girls. Good God they were useless. One actually said, "I never understand jokes. I don't get the punch line." Then they talked about Jenny Craig and spa days. I wanted to cry.