From the old board: I was in Costa Rica getting ridden by a hooker who suddenly got googly eyes and started going at it really hard while exclaiming, "No lubricante, NO Lubricante, NOO LUBRICANTEEEEEEEEE!"
A few thrusts right before climax she drops this one one me: "Are you fucking behind my back?" (And of course I was. Who did she think was back there?)
I was with a guy who would always voice play-by-play commentary, not only when we had sex (which was only a few times, I couldn't help but laugh) but even when all we did was fool around. It was pretty awful, but a bit entertaining anyways. Here's a couple things he said that I don't think I will ever forget: "Oh yeah, I'm inside of you now. Do you feel me inside of you? Feel that? I got inside of you." "Oh my god. You're kissing my neck. Look at you, kissing on my neck. Oh? A little lower? Are you going to kiss my stomach now?" I guess I can at least be thankful he wasn't the awkward, silent type during sex.
I've got two, One time I had a girl say (post bang) "I never do this, I'm not that type of girl" I was sitting on the bed and I had just lit up a joint. I smiled took a hit and said "it must be me then because chicks say that to me all the time." I didn't even realize how cool that was until I told my buddies the next day. I am not that cool and nowhere near that suave but every dog has his day and let's face it tons of girls say that identical thing after a one night stand. Two: I was dating an Eagles Cheerleader for a couple months and trust me it's not as cool as it sounds. Yes she was super hot but she was also super DUMB One night after we banged she looked up and said that was absolutely "Indubious", I laid in bed for the next forty five minuets and was like "did she make that shit up????" I looked it up the next day and it means "not doubting, unsuspecting" I always wondered what on Earth did she mean to say???? Clearly not that. Indubious doesn't even sound like anything else. Well all you single people enjoy these stories while your making them!! know what pillow talk I just heard last night? After we screwed, "sweetie don't forget to let the dog's out....."
I slept with a girl that i was friends with, but i couldn't look her in the eye after. We'd just finished and i laid back with my hands behind my head. She was resting her head on my arm and then tilted her face into my armpit, took a deep breath and looked up at my confused face. "Your armpits smell delicious. I just want to lick them!" Before i could register the weirdness of this statement she pinched a tuft of my armpit hair between her teeth and just yanked on it. It kind of hurt and i started pushing her off and sitting up. I left. Immediately.
I met a girl through Myspace who after sex laid there next to me rubbing her pelvis and said to me while maintaining intense eye contact, "I can imagine the baby kicking". WHAT. THE. FUCK. Even though I was thoroughly freaked out I had to correct her on one important point, "You realize I wore a condom right?" I should have known better as this was the same chick that gave me the infamous "duffer" handjob.
"Whatever, bitch, I do not care if you had an orgasm or not because I am attractive to women and you are not in any way my hand with eyes drawn on or a Bartlett pear that I hollowed out and then filled with jam and then put in the microwave for 1:05 because 1:30 is too hot and burns the penis that you have just made sex to, bitch."
Are you trying to say you stopped having sex with the girl because she told you to slow down? Yeah fucking right. Maybe you mean after you were done you walked three miles home, which is fine, but no way you stopped mid-coitus dude.
Hooked up with a bar slut one night who, right after I rolled off her, addressed the elephant in the room head-on. "Sorry my pussy stinks so bad. It's always like that." The stench was overpowering. It filled the room. I had to hold my breath to cum. I was talking to a friend about two years later and I found out he'd actually dated her for a couple weeks. He looked at me knowingly and immediately said, "That shit smelled like week-old sea bass, didn't it?"
The most confusing for me would have to be her exclaiming, mid sex while on top of me, "Joe So-and-so hates you, did you know that?" And then proceeding to go at me harder. I cannot fathom to this day why she decided right then would be the most opportune moment to tell me, AND why that turned her on even more.
I once impersonated a mutual friend of ours mid-thrust, he was fat and a bit of a chortler. She wasn't happy at all.
Last time I got laid, I had my laptop playing music. So "Liar" by the Rollins band comes on, and Both of us start sing at the top of our lungs. By the time the song was over we were both laughing so hard we had to stop fucking for a bit. Now that I think about it, happens with Tenacious D too. Is that Fucked up?