Hi, I'd like you to meet my son. His name is Blayde.

I was in grade school and middle school with a kid named Ephraim Benkendorf. I'm pretty sure that the poor guy never amounted to much.

 

I went to school with a black girl named Precious Love. I have a sneaking suspicion she isn't the only "Precious Love" walking around. Every time the teacher called on her I cringed. Unless we're talking about gemstones, I abhor saying the word "precious". I can't imagine naming someone that.

I know someone who just named her kid "Shiloh". I hate it. Congratulations! Every time you mention your kid I think of a bloody Civil War battle!

My name is pretty traditional and has a traditional spelling. Every now and then some dumbass completely butchers the spelling or mispronounces it. I assume they grew up in a trailer or have been living under a rock since birth. I don't love it, but it could be much, much worse. It was my mom's favorite name and also the name of her favorite aunt. My parents kind of messed up with my brother, though. He's (Dad's name) Matthew (last name). His real first name is a super Irish Catholic Old Man Name that my parents never intended to be used. So, every teacher, professor, official documenty-type person has called him (Dad's name). My brother used to correct them, but after about 8th grade he got tired of it and just went along with it. Lesson learned: if you want your kid to be called "X", name them "X" instead of "Y X".

 

Not sure how I forgot about her, but back when I was working at our local steakhouse, one of the servers was named Saturn. Her parents were huge fucking hippies and named all of their kids after planets. I didn't believe it until I met her brother, Uranus.

Still have trouble wrapping my head around that one.

 

What the heck come after six?

 

Our tech at work - Dick Doodoo (really). A friend named her baby Gray "to be different" and has just recently come to the realization that R's are tough - the little dude calls himself "Gay".

My initials are VD which was super awesome fun in school. I don't know why my parents did that to me. I'm not named after any family members. My mother is just warped.

Why people feel the need to throw in errant letters into standard names or replace perfectly good letters baffles me.

Emiellie? Stuff it up your ass.
Karrot? The "K" doesn't change it from still sounding like CARROT - quit it!

 

A friend of mine recently named her twin daughters Maddy and Gabby. I feel so bad for those girls, especially Gabby. I also used to go to school with a girl named Princess. She was a bitch.

My own name is typical 80's white trash that I've hated since I was a kid. I still go back and forth on changing it, but it's weird to rename yourself. My dad wanted to name me Rebecca Leigh after his 2 best friends, but my mom vetoed it completely and named me Brittney Elizabeth instead. Thanks, mom.

 

This. This. A million motherfucking times, this.

I'm in the same situation. It's (Dad's name) Joe (last name).

So from grade school to graduate school I have had to correct practically every goddamn educator, employer, whatever for damn near 28 years. Trust me, it gets a wee bit old after that second decade.

 

In 7th grade I got beat up by a girl named Tekuila. On our way to the principals office the cop that broke us up told me
"Never mess with a girl named after liquor." Yeah, maybe also don't name your kid after the shit you drank when she was conceived.

I've known a Harry Wang and several Poons too.*

The NFL has many great names but the Left Tackle for the Jets wins in my opinion. His name is is D'Brickashaw Ferguson.



*That sentence might be the best candidate for a "That's what she said" ever.

 

I worked for a guy named Dick Cummings. Went to high school with a kid named Thor, another named Archimedes, and an Ignatius.

I was named after an Irish king. Thank God they didn't go the Polish heritage route.

 

I grew up in New Hampshire and our former Congressional representative was Dick Swett.

Also, one summer, I drove by the offices of this guy every day to get to work:

 

Those names were actually very common in Roman times. At one point, a person's praenomen (given name) was simply a reference to the kid's place in the dad's family. Sextus Cornelius would literally be "sixth child [masculine] of Cornelius." Later, the kid would get a nickname which would be used in daily conversation and then used to distinguish the man if he actually made something of himself. As time went on, these names became general, so you'd end up with the eldest kid being named Sextus just because the parents liked the sound, but you'll see Secundus, Tertius, Quintius, Sextus, Septimus and Octavius very frequently in histories, right alongside Gaius, Publius, and Marcus.

Even stranger, some guys early on in Roman history made names for themselves with their praenomen, so these names ended up becoming family names as well. Being named Quintius Octavius must have sucked.

Focus: There was a dude in MOS school named Xenophon Wolfmoon. The resulting conversation during roll call was hilarious.

SSgt: Warner, Jason!
Warner: Here!
SSgt: Watkins, Jeffery!
Watkins: Here!
SSgt: W-... uh... Wolf... what the fuck... Xenophon Wolfmoon?
Wolfmoon: Here!
SSgt: Are you fucking serious?
Wolfmoon: Yes, staff sergeant.
SSgt: Boy, were your parents on crack?
Wolfmoon: Mescaline, staff sergeant.
SSgt: ...very well.

 

Just remembered a couple more I had blocked out.

One of my ex-girlfriends had a half-brother named Octavius. Yes, the original name of the first Roman emperor, Augustus. And another half-sibling was named LaSean, which you would think was a boy's name. Alas, it was a girl...

 

Anybody that gives their son a feminine name should be shot and pissed on. Seriously, if I find out you named your son "Leslie" I'm going to show up in your house like Ryan Gosling in Drive and break your arms and legs with a claw hammer (I too will be wearing a satin jacket). One of my closest childhood friend's parents wanted to have a girl so bad instead of him, they gave him the middle name "Laverne" because that's what they were supposed to have. Unbefuckinglievable. Do you know how much heat he took in school once asshole kids got wind of it?

Also, Shaniqua is not a real name. It never has been.

 

My parents were obviously looking for a nickname for me - William Richard _______

Plenty good or OK nicknames from those, right? Will, Billy, Rich, Ricky, etc.

I get stuck with the (2nd) shittiest of all: Richie. (Bubba sucks, my dad had Bubbie growing up).

Fuck Ron Howard and Happy Days and fuck that cartoon millionaire kid.

Oh, and I'm going to just leave this obituary here.

 

One of my employees has five children, the oldest is Blade, then there is Karina, Phoenix and finally twins- Bentley and Brooklyn.


There isn't much hope.

 

I'll toss out a few that I know right now. Bryson, Brayden, Maverick, Grayson, and Greenlee.
The first three are boys and the second two are girls.

I know, right? What the fuck ever happened to real person names? Not these bullshit comical names that will get the kid made fun of when they grow up...

Granted, my parents must have been smoking crack when they named me and didn't figure in nick names...it's quite horrendous.

 

Granted it's not English, but my sister's father in law is named Sum-Suck.

While in Thailand I met brothers with the names of Pepsi and Fanta. I guess their mother liked soda. A lot.

 

A few of my cousins have given their kids weird names: JR (doesn't stand for anything), Lelu, and Leni (pronounced Lainie) in one family, Niya and Nixon in another family, Mahli (Molly) in another family and Emmett in another family.

My name is a diminutive version of my dad's mom's name (Jeanette) and my middle name is both my dad's sister's and my mom's sister's middle name.

I'd like to give my future sons my last name and my mom's maiden name as first or middle names since they both work well.