Hi, I'd like you to meet my son. His name is Blayde.

Forget the horrible mocking you are setting your kids up for. Do people not care that one day they want their kids to get jobs?

When they get older I am going to demand payment from my children. (Kenneth, and Fredrick) Just because I did not set them up for failure.

 

There are two names that I am surprised aren't on that list, just because they are so popular where I come from. Acirema and Nevaeh (America and Heaven backwards.) My mom works as a school nurse in an elementary school, and there are 4 Aciremas and 8 Nevaehs. There is also a girl in the life skills kindergarten class named Nevada, but everyone calls me Nevvie.

I don't know if I can really talk though, because I was named after a guitar-playing fry cook in a sci-fi novel my dad was reading called "The Avatar". Keep in mind, this was 1986, so the TV show and movie hadn't come out yet. Also, Caitlin was not a particularly popular name in that year.

 

Destiny Hooker for the American indoor volley ball team, her parents either had really high or really low aspirations for her.

 

I'm a teacher and I have a Blayde in my class. It somewhat suits the kid...but he is the Australian equivalent of white trash.

Up until the day I was born, my parents were going to call me Mercedes. I like the name, but I am ever so glad they changed their mind.
I love my name (Claudia). It's uncommon, but not that weird that no one has ever heard it.

The name we gave to my daughter is also uncommon, but it's not made up and not something you haven't heard before. I didn't think my husband would go for it, but he did. However, she shares her name with a certain little girl from the show "Toddlers and Tiaras" and people now say "Oh, like E*** from that baby pageant show"

My mother's friend has a new baby grandson. Eyezaach. What the fuck is wrong with Izaak, or Isaac or any of the other ways to spell the name that you need to force your kid to correct the pronunciation of his name several times a day?

 

I noticed on the demographic sheet that the wife of one of my patients is named Immaculate Concepcion. I have never met her, I don't know what exactly what she "goes by".

 

I'd just call her "Godrape" for short.

 

I like the flow of that one, though. Maybe I'll re-name my daughter Crystal Chandelier.

 

Sometimes I love my line of work just for the names. Parents seem to know at birth their children are meant to be future felons and name them as such.

My favorite male felon's name was Tydarius, female felon is Tradelle. You're never going to see PhD or MD after those names.

As for my retarded parents, they discussed naming me after both of their names combined - Joette. Thank god someone came up with Christina Marie and they ran with it. I also heard from my grandmother that Nicole and Samantha were thrown around, but somehow the screaming shit machine born 33 years ago with strawberry blonde fuzz looked like a Christina. Eh, whatever works.

 

I dunno, I feel like for the most part what names are "normal" is pretty arbitrary. I don't get why "Michael" is a better name than "Tydarius", because neither have any real semantic designation outside of the person named.

Whatever, I'm probably just a bitter ol' sourpuss.

 

I actually met a Blade a few weeks ago. It was a friend of a friend and when he introduced himself to me I gave him a what the fuck look and asked him again what his name was. He seemed like he was trying to be a trendy ass, so who knows if that was even his given name. He probably spelled it with the "y".

I went to school with sisters named Angel and Princess, not the classiest bunch.

 

Alright in a effort to prevent this thread from becoming a complete farce, what names are acceptable to you all? Because I admit there are some names that are simply retarded (such as any name with a fucking symbol in it) I'm seeing plenty of stuff people are mocking that seem like decent enough names to me. What's wrong with:

Everleigh
Isla
Pernilla
Mercedes
Maximus
Aries
Deyonce

...just to list a few people in this thread. So only the most bland, common, and vanilla names are exempt from derision?

I swear, for all the general contempt people on this board claim to have for hipsters threads like this make a lot of you look even more conceited and smug than they are.

 

All of those are either pretentious, gibberish, or trying too hard to be unique.

- Pernilla is too close to perineum, which is a taint. It also makes no fucking sense.

- Isla. Islay? Love your whiskey. Hope your sister, Archipelago, is just as charming.

- Mercedes is a last name, might as well name the kid Volkswagen by this logic. It's also, A FUCKING CAR. Imagine if I named a kid Chevy Trailblazer. This is just as stupid.

- Deyonce. DEY. ONCE. It's like Beyonce, but with a D. Come on, man it sounds like a typo.

- Maximus, Everleigh? That's just smug. Also, too much video game character. And Aries, is that her stage name? Or was she conceived in a low-end Dodge?

Why are some of those smug? They just scream yuppie fucktard trying desperately to be hip. You know, I have zero problem with colloquial names like Luigi, Lucca, Anthony, Antonio, Marquez, Marco etc. Those are strong names with historical significance, with actual meanings behind them, derived from the Latin or Bible or wherever. Why the fuck can't people do that instead of plumbing the leftovers of Taylor Rain's anal douche. Nobody wants to research the etymology. This is your kid's badge for shit's sake. The thing they take with them for life. Even Snoop Dogg is named something normal.

 

I was gonna say, I rather like Isla and Everleigh. Maximus is pretty dope too, provided they go by Max. And Mercedes, you realize thats an EXTREMELY popular name in Spanish speaking countries right? Oh and in French speaking countries, Count of Monte Cristo anyone?

 

Wait a minute. So picking a name because it sounds cool is pretentious, but researching name etymology and picking a name with some with historical significance isn't pretentious? Because doing etymological research and evaluations of historical significance sounds way more "smug yuppie fucktard" than simply picking a name because you like the sound of it.

If I have kids I'm going to use three guidelines for picking their names:

1. Avoid any of the common Christian names. So no John, Paul, Michael, Mary, Christina, etc...
2. Has to sound like it should be a name.
3. Rolls off the tongue well when combined with their middle and surname.

 

I told these stories on the old board but they're too precious *not* to share...

I don't have an issue with parents wanting their kids to be unique and different; I just wish they'd do it by actually inspiring them to DO SOMETHING. What I REALLY have an issue with is when parents name their kid something out of the ordinary for some inane/shitty/tee-hee-hee-clever reason that they either 1) think is funny or 2) don't realize how stupid they are.

That said, my three favorites have to be (all are true stories):

Theenda. Pronounced "thee - end - ah." Why? Because poor Theenda was number seven in her brood. When she was born her mother said, "That's it! That's the end!" And there was little newborn Theenda to be forever reminded of her mother's decision to start using birth control.

Lou'Ron. Yep. Lou'Ron WITH the apostrophe. I made the mistake of calling him Lou when I met with his mother for a conference about his piss poor behavior. (Shocking, I know.) She corrected me and immediately told me the story behind his unusual name. Apparently, when Lou'Ron's mom found out she was pregnant, she decided she wanted to name the baby after his father. Only she wasn't sure who the father was at the time of the birth, so she just named him for both men. It took everything I had NOT to ask why Lou came first, but I guess that joke writes itself.

But my all-time favorite was an embarrassing moment when I was a substitute for a second grade art class one day. I called out roll and murdered a shit-ton of names that were strangely spelled and almost completely unrecognizable as English. I really just wanted to buy a vowel. Once I got about two-thirds down the list, I had a warm, fuzzy feeling float over me as I looked at the next name. I thought, "How sweet...this teacher has a cute nickname for this kid. That's just awesome." So, I started to call out for Henry. "Henry? Is Henry here today? Henry?" The kids all looked at me like I suddenly sprouted a second head. There had to be a mistake on the list. I tried again. "Henry? Is he absent? At the nurse?" Still blank looks. I finally resigned to calling him by what I thought was his special teacher nickname. "One Million Henry?" The kids immediately responded with, "One Million Henry is sick today."

One Million Henry. A whole first name. Yep.

I guess we should be looking for him to be signed to Death Row Records at some point in the future. Or maybe just on death row, period. Either way, this poor kid's either got a ton to live up to or is going to have one huge ego problem. I still want to punch his mom in her vagina.

 

Internet, meet Trakiel. Trakiel, meet bad joke about being on the internet for the first time.

 

There's a line between pretentious and thoughtful. What's so bad about putting effort into a name? Using my favorite stand-by, Camden Bryce is stuck so far up its own ass it wears itself as a hat. Plus it's androgynous in that David Bowie in a skin suit kind of way. You don't have to go with the old stand-bys. There are thousands of names out there that aren't retarded.

Maybe I'm just really prejudice against yuppies.

For the record, no foolin', Benedict Cumberpatch is the best name in the history of names.