It is odd. I thought everyone knew the key to dating was to be disinterested in the other person. Dating is about having the upper hand in my experience, you want her to be the one pursuing you. If you're chasing her you're done.
The whole going out with someone just to get a free meal has always weirded me out. Why would you want to spend time with someone you have no interest in just to get something to eat? I'm not even saying that because it's deplorable, I just find it strange. I can't imagine being that much of a cheapskate.
Being a cheapskate or having an awkward evening with someone you don't care about. Awkward coffee is bad enough, let alone an awkward dinner where you can't wait to get out of there.
I know it's true, but what an awful way to start a relationship with who's got "hand" in the relationship. But I can't say I'm innocent of it either. When someone responds right away all the time or sleeps with you on the first date, it is a turn off. I guess the key is finding that happy medium.
I don't know where the fuck I've been, but I just started to hear abut the whole "upper hand" and "who is in control" thing until I was 25 going onto 26. The idea of it makes my head hurt and is upsetting. The fact people are like "Oh I like this gal/guy, but I have the upper hand." I think it actually reveals the level of insecurity we have with dating now and the lengths people are willing to go to protect their fragile psyches.
But that's where it gets tricky because women want to be pursued to some extent and our society places emphasis on the man "winning over" the woman. Unless you pursue too much, then you look needy. Or you really cross the line and end up with stalking charges. All of these unwritten rules of dating, what are some others?
On a first date, don't bring roses and talk about your future children. For some reason that really creeps women out.
Re: Re: Holiday Drunk Thread Girls bitch and complain about a lack of chivalrousness, but I've gotten to be the same way when it comes to dating gameplans. And I look at it a different way. With texting, and social media, etc.. I think it has taken an annoying element out of dating. People argue that its impersonal and lacks chivalrousness, but it allows you to get a read and a feel for people without sitting at a dinner for 2 hours. I can't tell you the last time I had an awkward first or second date. But at the same time, I've had multiple girls whose numbers I've gotten with the intention of going out who through various communications beforehand realized we werent a good match and it didnt progress any farther. To me, the key to dating, especially in early stages, is finding some sort of comfort level and the sooner and more effectively you can find that level, if it exists, the sooner you can get down to figuring out what is really there. I have a female friend, who despite being a sweet girl, has been single for the last 9 months for the first time since she was in HS. She comes from an affluent family and her ex bf of 5-6 years was the same. So she came to assume "dating" was a succession of nice dinners and fun gifts. Cue to a onslaught of suitors, cause she's really attractive, and her fucked up worldview came into play. For example, the really good guy she was talking to, who I met and was actually impressed with, and was relatively new to Chicago. He suggested a restaurant, very nice albeit a bit touristy. I told her it was a fine choice, especially given his relative city inexperience. She freaked out, said no guy should be taking her to this restaurant, "shouldn't you want to take a girl you're interested in somewhere nice?" (Side note, anytime I hear a girl talk in the hypothetical about doing something for a girl you're interested in, referring to themselves, it bothers me to no end and usually signifies more red flags in my future) She went on the date with my urging, clearly didn't put anything into it, and it unraveled shortly thereafter. Unsurprisingly, the next guy I heard her rave about was an older lawyer who took her to fancy places, but clearly just wanted to bang it out and she was soon after upset. Then was the idiot who she told me was the most thoughtful guy ever cause he proposed they go to a Bulls game after she told him she liked going to Bulls games and he called his dad and got tickets. I was told he was the best, but he had the personality of a dishrag and only knew how to spend money to get attention. Now I wouldn't call her a gold digger, cause I don't think it was her explicit plan to milk dudes for their cash, but rather, she, and other girls like her, have some inflated view of how things SHOULD be as a "dating adult" and expect those demands to be met. When those girls end up disappointed, its a self fulfilling prophecy.
Warning, sappy post: While I realize these stupid dating rules do apply to most situations, in my experience the best relationships start with both parties being into each other enough to ignore the rules. Shit, my wife and I started off as a one night stand (what a whore) and I called her the next day (omg what a clinger, wait at least three days). The point is you can be reasonably successful quantitatively in dating if you follow a formula, but qualitatively I* think the best relationships start unconventionally. *then again maybe it worked for me because I despise playing games and am naturally attracted to females that ignore convention. Guess it wasn't too sappy.
To be honest, I've had a conversation with female friends of mine about when people first have sex in the context of a relationship. I get the female fear of being used in a hit it and quit it situation, and for that reason, I used to try to slow play it with girls I was interested it. But following back to back experiences where that blew up in my face, I had two different mini relationships where I slept with the girl early on. One was a one night stand that turned into more, the other was the end of a first date. Both situations, I was left with this almost palpable relief/tension break in which I realized that I was now into the girl for the right reasons. Hear me out. Its not some notch in the bed post misogyny, but rather, part of the excitement and thrill of meeting and hitting it off with a new girl (or guy) is that sexual tension and unknown. This can often be mistaken for deep interest or chemistry. There were times in college where I'd start dating a girl I was really into and then shortly after starting to have sex, that glossy facade would wear off. And this was after "taking it slow" to make sex less of an emphasis. But get sex out of the way, and suddenly, its there but now its no longer some tantalizing unknown. It is what it is. I don't bring it up on dates or courting girls cause it sounds like some ridiculous PUA way of getting in a girls pants, but for me, I just let relationships or situations take their course. If we roll around naked 2 hours after meeting each other? Cool. If it takes 2 weeks, it is what it is. Setting boundaries on that kind of stuff doesn't "build attraction", it just defers real emotion and makes a game out of something it doesn't need to be.
The hot girl I was dating last year had a three date rule, but we were into each other enough that those three dates were three nights in a row, and there was some 2nd base after the second date. I mean, she ended up being a cheating bitch, but the first part was great.
Well fuck me, I offered her an ear if she wanted to talk and now she wants me to call later to talk about her problems. Fuck, maybe I'll blow it off. Seems to be the trend in this...whatever it is.
Don't offer if you don't mean it. Okay, you might have been confused by her actions, but you would now be doing the same thing to her. Letting her think you are interested, then blowing her off when she takes you up on your offer isn't cool. I understand the relationship is in its early stages and you might not want to get that involved yet. But then don't offer to do it. She would then be going to her friends and saying how you are sending confusing messages.
And yet nice guys finish last. There seems to be quite a range between what women say they want and what they actually respond to.