How I get myself through work

I worked nights at wal-mart last summer, and I actually am glad I did. It really made me see what I had going for me. I literally spent hours a night analyzing and observing my co-workers. I might not have the best grades, or be the most wealthy or luckiest person in the world, But i got a sick pleasure in knowing that in my 19 years, i've already accomplished more than some of these people had.

 

I'm a little like Kuhjager and Racer-X. My office uses an online timecard system to track our weekly hours. So long as I'm physically present to click the "record time" button, my timecard shows that I was working for the entire time I was at my desk. I usually grab a sandwich and then clock back in 30 minutes or so into my lunch break, even though I inevitably spend the full hour doing things unrelated to work. This doesn't work if I'm out of the office for the full hour- meet a friend for lunch, doctor appointment, etc.- but I estimate I make an extra $50 a week by fudging my timecard.

I was reading Superfreakonomics last night and got to the lengthy chapter on prostitutes. Dubner/Levitt interview this woman named Allie who makes $300k a year while working just 15 hours a week. Given the crap that I have to put up with on a daily basis for a fraction of that salary, the oldest profession in the world didn't seem so bad.

That said, getting your armpits licked for an hour might be less fun.

 

You kidding? I'd let someone lick my armpits for 5 bucks.

 

I love how this has actually become a debate.

I'd let someone lick my armpits for $3, which is enough to buy a 32 oz Monster.

 

I tried to make it short... []. I tried to write something that made sense.. [].... I failed at spelling and expressing myself clearly [x]

Focus:

Normal people call the place I work a hospital, I call it hell on earth. It's ironic that people are being treated for sickness whilst the doctors are getting depressed - as if they where sucking all the shit out of the patients.
I sort medical charts all day long which is making me rather depressed. It's boring as fuck, my co-workers have no joie de vivre whatsoever which isn't really making me looking light on my work - you know how your surroundings affect you, meh.

What I do to pass the day is listening to radio or going into a deep zombie-mode. Basicly I just cut my brain off and dream myself to some kind of paradise where I slaughter vaginas with my cock. No seriously, I just think about shit and try not to look at my watch, if I for some reason glimps at my watch, im doomed - Im certain that you are familiar with that situation. Once I was sitting at maximum zombietrancelevel and my colleagues tried to get me to do some random job, since I am just a lousy assistant, I get all the secretary missions of shit. They where trying to get me out of my coma - but it wasn't possible. They had to slap me before I woke up: the words that came out of my mouth is still a pain to me, I said and how embarrassing isn't this?: "5 more mins, mom". I wouldnt be suprised if I had been drooling like a fucking coma-tard. They all had their laugh and then went back to their silly depressing jobs. Stupid fucks I thought and yeah I went home early that day for some reason.
Besides from going into a retard's state of mind, I try to spent time by going to the mens room, sometimes up to 6-7 times in a work day. My co-workers must think I'm either wanking at work or just have a big load of shit in my stomach.

All my colleagues are women - oh well so far so good you think. But they are all +50, they are either fat or have been smoking for internity. At some point I thought to myself that must be some fresh meat in the making:

I had been going to class with this girl called Louise, who had anorexia, for 3 months or so. She dropped out early because she was picked on and no one wanted to talk with her. I thought, poor little girl anorexia and all and no soul on earth want to spent to minutes with you - this is the moment where I write I spent some time with her, but no I didn't. She was actually kinda hot if she only gained A LOT of pounds. At that time I thought people including myself picked on her because she was a weak anorexia tard, but I learned most recently that it wasn't the reason: A new girl started at my office. Cute, but still something was annoying me about the way she spoke and how stupid she was. And she reminded me of that girl Louise. I thought that I could spent some time speaking with her. This thought I had for 2-3 seconds: when she opened her mouth she spoke with a dialect so fucking ugly, it's called fynsk* in DK, and it is the most annoying thing on earth. And I learned that her name was.. fucking Louise. 2+2=4. I couldnt recognize her because she had gained a lot of pounds and therefor become fuckable. Cool, perfectly good conversationpartner was ruined, back to zombie mode. also I learned that people picked on her for being a fucking annoying prick over the weeks.

But I guess all jobs are like this and I'll just have to quit whining like a bitch. Luckily for me im going to be in the military in April as draftee - and in DK draftees dont get sent to war.


*(Danish word for a dialect on Fyn, yeah fuck me, you have no clue what im talking about)

Yeah spot on mate.

 

Back when I used to work roofing, I would fuck around like no other. Not at first though. For the first year or so I was dedicated, learned as much as I could, and busted my ass. But thennnnn I got burnt out, and would rather have been doing anything than roofing. My boss was never within 100 miles of the job site, so it was basically free reign for me and the guy that worked with me. We'd come in at least an hour late and leave at least an hour early. We'd take a two hour lunch break when it was only supposed to be 30 minutes.

During one of these lunch breaks we suddenly got the bright idea that drinking would be nice. So we'd pick up a 24 ounce and grill some burgers or something. Before long we were drinking a six pack of tall boys between two people during lunch break. Then we'd go back to work for about an hour, before we started feeling sick from the heat and the beer. We were lucky we were good at roofing and could get about 20 or so squares done in about 3 or 4 hours of actual work between the two of us. I carried this job on like this drinking every day at lunch for about a year, then quit.

While we were actually at work we had fun games too. Most of them involved shooting nails at buildings/signs/birds/passing cars.

Now I go to school again and work in the administrative office of a library. To fuck off, I usually go sit at one of the tables out in the library area and read books or magazines. Or I go on here, like I am right now, while I'm supposed to be doing inventory on microfilms. There's still no oversight.

 

I used to work at Costco for about a year and the whole time I was there I pretty much exclusively pushed shopping carts around the parking lot and put them back where they go.

This may sounds like the world's worst job in the world, but once I started doing it for a bit I realized it was 1000x better than working inside the store where it's a fucking madhouse, regardless of if it is a Saturday afternoon or a Monday morning.

When it was cold outside I loved it the most. I would wear my sweatshirt with a hood and hide my iPod underneath so I could listen to tunes while I pushed carts around the lot. This was actually pretty enjoyable, although I almost got hit by a car quite a few times because I couldn't hear anything that was going on.

Another bonus was that the supervisors rarely came outside, so we were pretty much without supervision unless the lot was really fucked up and it would be all our faults even though they didn't have enough people outside doing the work. The lack of supervision allowed me to goof off and talk shit with co-workers, smoke a roach or two [sometimes even full-sized blunts] while walking around the lot, and I even had a co-worker who made the best edibles ever so I often would eat one while out there and be stoned out of my gourd.

Another plus was that since it was a big warehouse, there were lots of employees and quite a few of them were hot women. There was this one girl in photo named Hazel who is seriously one of the sexiest women I have ever seen in person. She was a black-haired Mexican with a full on accent and an ass you could see from the front [see: Alicia Keys] and a perfectly sized rack. There was a MILF in membership and a few good looking chicks sprinkled throughout the store.

One of our favorite pastimes outside was talking about this one whore supervisor who literally fucked and sucked her way to the top. One of my friends who started at the same time as me actually hooked up with her before and we began hearing stories of all the crazy shit she had done in the past. She fucked the store manager who was then transferred to a new store. She had a specific bar she liked to lure guys to where she got hooked up nicely and it was close enough to her place that she could get the dude drunk and drag him back to her place. It was also made known that she loved to be gagged by cocks and she treated her mouth as just another hole you could jam one into. This actually became known when she hooked up with one of the guys in the tire shop. He told the rest of the dudes in the tire shop, who then proceeded to tell everyone else in the store. The whore supervisor found out and went to the tire shop and yelled at the dude in front of everyone to keep his fucking mouth shut. Hilarious.

Not only were there sexy women that worked there, but the store shoppers were usually ten times better. Costco is the kind of establishment where they aren't around except for every few towns. It isn't like Safeway where you could go to one five blocks away, meaning that people from all varying neighborhoods shopped there. I lived in an upper middle class town where the Costco was, so we got our fair share of rich stay at home MILFs who shopped there. But also, people from a few towns over in less than stellar neighborhoods would shop there as well so we were able to get a wide array of people of different looks that were sexy as hell too. The best part about pushing carts is that when you saw one of these in the lot, you could make an excuse to get a better look at them without seeming creepy.

Another plus was that some people would tip you for helping load their heavy shit in their car. It was rarely much, but one time around Christmas I helped a dude load five flat-screen TVs into his SUV and he tipped me EIGHTY dollars. I thought surely it was a mistake but he said it wasn't, merry Christmas, and thanks a lot. That helped me purchase a half ounce of weed. If only the guy knew.

 

I just got back from work.

Today I was making a pizza and found a banana pepper that looked liked a penis. After showing everyone in the kitchen, and a few waitresses, I put it right on top of the pizza, in as plain sight as possible. Then I realized the pizza was only for the bartender, damnit.

Working in the kitchen is pretty fun, especially when you like everyone you work with. There's not much we do for fun right now, except talk a lot of bullshit, but who doesn't do that at work? We do the usual restaurant stuff, like snapping towels at each other, and writing funny labels.

Label on a tub of cheese I saw the other day: "It ain't that easy bein' this cheesy"
Label on the bathroom door: "Jimmy's Office" (he shits a lot)

Probably the best part of working in a kitchen is all the hot waitresses, holy shit. There is only one fat one, but I ignore her.

Gay jokes. Like, "you know how I know you're gay? (insert something they just did, or some stupid stereotype)".

 

Kitchens are hit or miss, but you got it right. It's much easier to handle if you have the right people around you. I have a few good stories which have made my jobs in the industry bearable, if not enjoyable.

I work with a guy who burnt his face real bad after dropped a stack of pans into a deep fryer. It's been a year or so, and every now and then I'll bust out the fire extinguisher and put it on his station with a label saying "This is for your face".

A supervisor at a place I used to work at nailed a server in the dry goods/kitchen office over a rubbermaid garbage can full of potatoes. It was caught on camera, which normally wouldn't be an issue, except that a case of sirloins had been pinched the same night. I walk in for my shift the next day, not knowing a thing to find a half dozen guys in the office watching the tape. I waltz in, see the dude on the monitor just fucking the shit out of this girl and joined in the laughter and pointing fingers. Minutes later, we're just about to the end of the video and the guy on the tape shows up and joins us.

"You guys watchin' porn?"
"Look closer"

Never found out who took the steaks, but we all had a good laugh. You know, save for the KM who lost his bonus for the month.

At the one place, when we got a new guy in the kitchen who acted like he meant something, mouthing off and talking shit all the time, he got the treatment. Pin him down in the dish pit, spray him down good and proper, then drag him to the staff washroom and swirly him. Cuts the wheat from the chaff. Hell, I got the same kind of treatment when I was younger and just started my kitchen life. Wouldn't have turned out like I am without it.

On my last day at one place I got tackled by a couple of the cooks and one of them sprayed an entire can of whipped cream down the ass of my pants. What a way to say goodbye.

 

We did something similar to a mate who discharged form the army.

Cable tied his hands behind his back then got the oil gun and drenched him, someone else painted him a little while another guy set off a dry powder fire extinguisher down his pants. All in all he took it pretty well, watching the mushroom cloud enshroud him when he undid the bottom of his pant legs was hilarious.

 

Focus: I walk around a lot. I work at a tennis club, so there isn't a lot to do at nights when the old people are all playing or drinking wine after play.

Alt Focus: This happened about 2 weeks after I got hired when I was working alone at night. Some lady walked in around 10:00 PM with a hood over her head and wearing sunglasses, I had never seen her before but I was new so I didn't really pay any attention and already had met a fair share of creepy people up there so the whole wearing sunglasses whilst inside didn't really raise any suspicions. About 5 minutes later she walks by the desk again with some towels under her arm.

Me(jokingly): You're not trying to steal those towels, are you?

She just stopped dead in her tracks, pivoted her head 90 degrees and looked at me for a second. She proceeded to bolt out the door. I was stunned, I mean, she really took the time out of her day to steal 5 towels.

 

I work for a major retailer/pharmacy. Despite being one of the youngest employees at my store, I'm a shift supervisor*. So, when I'm working, it's usually just me and a cashier, who I am in charge of.

*To be clear, I did not deserve this promotion at all. I had to cheat on my drug test just to pass. I show up high a lot and hungover any time they decide I need to open on a Saturday. Sometimes I get stoned on my lunch breaks. I've fallen asleep on lunch breaks, and I've thrown up in the store bathroom because I was still drunk.

I get my work done, but after doing the bare minimum, it's all slacking. I play games on my iPhone. I hide in the stock room and listen to the radio. I sit in the break room and watch TV. I take magazines and novels off the shelves and read them. I hang out with friends who stop in to the store. All while on the clock.

The American Dream.

 

Back when I was a lowly park services bitch three years ago, on Fridays I got to work the kennels at the theme park. This is easily the best job in the damn park-you hang out with (mostly cute and pleasant) dogs, direct some traffic, do paper runs, and check dogs in and out. Endless potential to fuck off. Two stories stand out... the first was when me and a friend of mine, Tim, decided to make a paper-towel rope. So we took the nearest roll and soon made it at least 120 feet long. And it was damn strong, too.

The other memorable one from the kennels is when we ordered two pizzas from the place down the street, somehow without anyone finding out. This is with at least fifty paying guests watching the delivery guy come to the kennels. Whatta miracle.

Remember that were both 14 years old in these situations.

Oh, and there's always time for a game of dog-biscuit stickball in the spacious depot.

 

Back when I used to work at Canadian tire it was hell. The customers were retarded because I was working the store located in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere and there were only 6 songs blasting on the speakers all day. Ever. To this day I can't listen to them without going into a frenzied rage. To cope we (mechanics and automotive parts people) would go into the garage bays, just blast our own music on the speakers in there and shoot the shit. I have never met more twisted old fuckers than the mechanics working there. Absolutely demented and perverted which is why I loved them. We'd then bring in the new/younger workers and haze the shit out of them. For example, we'd see what parts of a car hurt most to get beaten with. Our studies showed they were terrified the most from the heater hoses, tie rods and fan belts. Other activities included using the store-wide PA system to track attractive women in the store and to test out our impressions of people/animals. It was like being in day care while getting paid. The worst part? I got a letter of outstanding achievement from the head office in my first month there.

For some reason people wonder why customer service is bad in those stores...

 

I get a lot of down time standing around so I read. The Wall Street Journal, motorcycle magazines, books and then of course wi-fi internet on my iPhone makes the day go by fast.

 

Every day is a struggle, what can I say. Pinning the throttle to the floor tends to help.

 

I used to leave my desk and go to the pub next door to drink with the degenerate alcoholics who have already finished for the day yet have no reason to go home, but staring at the wall is less depressing than socialising with that motley crew of cad cases.

I've only fucked at my desk once, and some years later I discovered that the television cameras which are permanently located in my office are on a constant live stream to a 24 hour news network. I regret not having done that more.

Otherwise I just wait until everyone else has left the office, put my feet up and watch television. Sometimes I go to the toilet and beat my cock like it owes me money.

 

Playing http://www.freerice.com and reading http://futurist.typepad.com/

 

A few days a week I babysit my best friend's four month old son. I don't know how stay at home moms do it; on days that it's rainy (gotta love Seattle), I go fucking stir crazy.

However, I've gotten our little schedule down pat.

When I arrive at 8AM, he's down for a two hour nap at 8:30. That's naptime for me.
Feeding follows wake up.
Then we take a very long walk around the neighborhood, or I walk to the mini-mall down the street and browse. He falls asleep during these walks. Then we come back and sleeps for another hour or so, this is my play Wii hour.

And repeat until my friend or her husband arrives home at 5:30.

My friend pays me to nap, shop, play Wii and watch TV in between occupying her son. She'll tell me "while the baby sleeps, take a nap! Then take him for a walk somewhere so he won't fuss."

Not a bad way to pass time during the day.