You know you can light cigarettes off of the burners on the toaster, right? My brother showed me how to do that when I was 6 for crissake.
Disclaimer: this post is about why I'm a terrible person. So, I hosted a going away party for friends last week, the same party where I got blackout and put my face into a patio heater as I was moving it (ladies). At some point in the blackout, a very new female friend, Bianca, attempted to tell me about her longstanding issues with her live-in boyfriend. About 4 seconds after this, I apparently bet my friend who is leaving the state the cost of a flight to his new city, worth about $300, that Bianca's relationship would fail by the end of the year. That's fine, fairly standard stuff for me. However, the ash cloud from Chile fucked up my friend's flight, so we had a second going away party for them last night. We got blitzed, and I decided I wanted that flight. Knowing there was someone at this party that wanted Bianca, I called her up and invited her out. She was on a date night with her boyfriend, looking for parking outside a restaurant. Undeterred, I told her "Boyfriend will be with you forever, Friend is only here for 16 hours. Get your priorities in order!". She told her boyfriend the date night was cancelled, and got him to drive her to the bar we were at. He was (rightly) pissed and fought with her when they got to the bar, more or less driving her into the arms of this other guy. She ended up reconciling and leaving with the boyfriend, but whispered in my ear that she wants me to host drinks next weekend and she won't bring the bf. Now, I actually like this girl. She's awesome fun to drink with, and generally very entertaining. So, intellectually, I know I should feel bad for sabotaging her relationship. It's a shitty thing to do. And yet, that thought has no emotional resonance for me. I should feel bad, but I'm mostly amused, and looking forward to winning that flight and lording it over everyone I talk to for the next few months. It helps that the boyfriend is an emo, down to the haircut and skinny jeans. But still: I'm like 99% sure this makes me a terrible person. It's days like this I realize why most of my friends are male.
Look at the size of this fucking dog. Seriously. You're not that drunk. 275 pounds. My wife and I are talking about getting one of his grandsons. The grandson will "only" be about 250.
I keep trying to phrase the sweet weekend I've been having so that it doesn't sound like the pre-sex plot to a porno that winds up with me getting double-teamed, but I'm at a loss. *Fingers crossed.* Question: Am I the only one who, when I smoke and drink, the two sometimes cancel each other out and then I feel neither drunk nor high? Thankfully, tonight is not one of those nights, but I get worried when I do it because it happens but it seems weird.
You know, for a while there, I was worried that I was going to be the one with the dumbest ideas in this thread.
It looks like that kid is about to hit that dog with a stick. I can't imagine that would end well but it might be hilarious.
What's wrong with having a 250 pound Mastiff? Fuck, my wife has a 250 and a 300 pound goat, at least the Mastiff will hang out while I play PS3 and keep my feet warm. Oh, and having one hundred 250 pound Mastiffs is a better idea than going to coffee with an ex-girlfriend, unless the ex-girlfriend has deliberately announced that coffee means "Fuck me like a whore, do all the filthy stuff I would never let you do, then never call me again." You still win that contest.
Do you realize how huge that dog's shits will be? Also, people might think you are trying to compensate for something. Like a 5'6" guy who drives an 8' tall 4WD truck (that he NEVER takes off road because he doesn't want to get it scratched, or some pussy reason like that) to work at an office.
.[/quote] That dog is bigger than a person. It could literally eat you.[/quote] Seriously, that is better than you're going to get meeting up with your ex. At least the dog would kill you quickly. Just sayin.
Sadly the quality of the youtube vid is average, but I recommend downloading the high res version... NSFW
Oh lord. A lovely TiBette sent this to me...and it is too awesome not to share. Animals Being Dicks. Tonight is OK after all.
Well my wife was flipping through old stuff of hers with me and I saw a draft of a letter she had clearly written to another guy when I was living abroad. I asked about it and she played dumb. She has been denying that she knew who it was written for, and I know that she is full of shit, as she lied to me about a bunch of things she did while I was away. We dealt with that stuff years ago, but something new that she is denying 5 years after the fact is bugging me out. Time to drink harder I guess. Edit: Now she is saying that she thinks it was for an ex she was still hanging out with at the time, and was finally cutting off ties with him completely because she knew I hated him. I guess I'll buy it. She did cut off contact with a bunch of friends of hers that hated me around the same time.
One of my favorite lines... (Trust me, you end up with a face full of mace and paramedics squirting shit in your eyes rather then getting laid. ) And crying.
Question for the ladies: Why the hell does a girl have to 'see it coming' when you break up with her? How does that make it better? I know zero girls that take breakups well. They never see it coming anyway. I started to treat one terribly for a whole month before I broke up with her and she said she had no idea at all that anything was wrong even though she cried three times a week about the way I was treating her*. Also, girls seem to think there is some 'correct' way to break up with them. And if you don't do it right, they act like you don't get to. At least the girls I have dealt with. I'm not bitter or anything. * She said she wanted to see it coming, and I tried to oblige. I was young and stupid.