Sexy, single, sane. Women are only ever 2 of these 3 The definition of optimism, a ginger buying condoms That's all for now anyway
Russian proverb: "There is no such thing as an ugly woman, but there is such a thing as not enough vodka."
Two guys are going on a business trip. One stands in line and fixes the return address tags on the luggage, the other walks up to the ticket counter. The woman selling the tickets is breathtakingly beautiful with magnificent breasts. The guy buying the tickets says, "Two pickets to Titsburg please. (pause) Doh!". She smiles demurely and hands him the tickets and he slinks away totally humiliated. When he and his buddy get far enough away from the booth, his buddy chuckles and says .....A similar thing happened to me recently; instead of saying to my wife "Honey can you pass me the sugar" , I said "You fucking whore, you ruined my life!"
An iteration of this joke was in the movie Poolhall Junkies, and every time I hear it, I think of what an awful joke teller that guy was. Truly, no joke telling rhythm. I saw that people have been mocking the last episode of Lost on twitter with some decent jokes. Knock knock. Who's there? Jacob's Brother. Jacob's Brother who? EXACTLY.
How do you know if an Asian has burgled your house? Your dog is missing and your homework has been done.
*sigh* Yet another person who can't tell a joke. The correct answer is: "Because you want your dishwasher to match the stove."
How do you know if a Aboriginal has robbed your house? White out on the computer screen, twenty cents in the disk drive, thongs on the doorstep and there are VB stubbies everywhere.
Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!" "A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed. Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
Spoiler A woman is having a costume party for halloween. The only rule is you have to dress up as an emotion. The night of the party, the first guest arrives.The woman opens the door and sees a man wearing a green custume with green face paint. What are you dressed up as? The man replies, well I'm green with envy. What a wonderful costume come right in. After awhile another guest arrives. The woman opens the door and there's a girl dressed all in pink. The woman says to the girl what a unique costume, what emotion are you? I'm tickled pink. What a great costume! Enjoy the party. After awhile the woman hears another knock on the door. She opens the door and is shocked by what she sees. Standing naked on her porch are two huge black guys. One of them has his dick in a custard, and the other has his dick in a pear. The woman says to them, you have some nerve! You have to be dressed as an emotion to attend this party. What are you talking about lady? We are emotions. I'm fuckin disgusted and he's deep in despair. On a missionary journey together, a nun and a priest are crossing the Gobi desert on a camel, when the camel up and dies suddenly. Dusting the sand off themselves, they realize that theyve gone too far into the desert,and without the camel, the supplies won't last either way. Realizing their situation, the priest says," Well sister, it looks like we're going to die. Its a shame, Ive never seen a pair of naked breasts before..would you mind?" "Oh, not at all Father," says the nun, and she takes off her habit and lets the priest have a good look. "Mind if I touch them, sister?" "Go right ahead, seeing as we're gonna die out here." So the priest cops a long feel of the nuns tits, and of course he sprouts a boner. "My, Father, you know I've never seen a penis before..may I?" says the nun. "Go on, you can even touch it!" replies the priest, and drops his pants. He says, "You know, if I put my penis in the right place, it can bring forth life sister..." "GOOD!" Says the nun,"STICK IT IN THAT CAMEL AND LETS GET OUTTA HERE!"
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump." The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump." Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin" Man replies "Who is that?" Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
Two brothers, age 5 and 8, decide that they are going to start swearing. They practice all afternoon, and the next morning at breakfast they decide to try it out. Their mom asks the older one "What do you want for breakfast?" to which he responds "Shit, I'll have the Cheerios". The mother is outraged and backhands him off of the barstool, all the while berating him for his terrible language. She collects herself and asks her other, younger son "What will you be having for breakfast?", to which he replies "Well, I'm sure as hell not going to have the Cheerios!"
This one is an oldie ... A young boy went up to his father and asked, Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Finally, ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from this." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would, I couldn't pass up an opportunity like that!" Next, the boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl exclaimed, "Oh my God! Talk about a win-win situation. I'd do it in a heartbeat!" Finally, the boy went to his brother with the same question. "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Sure," the brother replied, "Do you have any idea how much cool stuff a million dollars would buy?" The boy pondered all of this information for a while, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy answered, "Yes sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million bucks, but realistically, we're living with two whores and a fag."
Another oldie ... A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big smile and a wink, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, 'Who was that??!!' 'Oh' replies the husband, 'that was my mistress. ' 'That's it, ' says the wife, 'I want a divorce. ''Ok, ' replies her husband, 'but remember, if you get a divorce, I will fight you for every cent, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. 'Who is that woman with Jim?' she asks. 'That's his mistress, ' replies her husband. Ohhhhh ..... 'Ours is much better looking.' says the wife.
I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and turnedthe volume all the way up....the mime next door went nuts!
Heard a couple of funny racist jokes the other day. What do you call a coon with a stutter? Cocoon. What do you calla fast moving river with a bunch of coons swimming in it? Blackcurrent. This new 3D TV technology is way to realistic. I was watching an aboriginal documentary the other day and fell asleep. When I woke up my wallet was missing.