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It reminded me of a peanut.

Discussion in 'Permanent Threads' started by shegirl, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. ouroboros

    ouroboros
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    q:What has 6 legs and says "Hodedo! Hodedo! Hodedo! ?

    a:
    3 niggers running for an elevator

    q:Why are lawn sprinklers racist?
    a:
    Because they go spicspicspicspic*CHINK!*nigganigganigganigga


    A blind professor from California was to be a guest speaker at a conference in Boston. He was to fly on a private jet and given the 1st class treatment.He had never flown before, and he was excited about his trip. During the flight, he asked the pilot if he could sit in the cockpit for awhile and learn about the controls. The pilot agreed,and since they were the only ones on the jet, he could use the company. He demonstrated the controls the best he could to the professor. When the demo was almost over, the pilot suffered a fatal heart attack and died. The professor was thanking God that the pilot had showed him how to use the radio before he kicked off as he radioed the nearest control tower.

    Prof: Hello? Control tower? My pilot has died and I'm blind..I need help landing the plane.
    Control Tower: Ok sir, we will help guide you in.
    Prof: *Whew* ok first I need you to tell me how to get the plane right side up. Somehow we're flying upside down.
    Control: Wait, arent you blind? How can you tell youre upside down?
    Prof: Because my diarrhea is hitting the back of my neck.

    Theyre saying Gary Coleman died of a Diff'rent Stroke. Too early?
     
  2. Joka

    Joka
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    What do you tell a Hooker with 2 black eyes?

    Nothing. You've already told her twice!
     
  3. zzr

    zzr
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    A guy was walking down the sidewalk beside a mental hospital. On the other side of the fence he could hear the patients chanting "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen!" The fence was too high to see over, so he found a hole in one of the boards and bent over to see why the patients were chanting. Just as he looked through the hole, one of the patients poked him in the eye with a stick. As he recoiled in pain, he heard the patients chanting "Fifteen, fifteen, fifteen!"
     
  4. villagebicycle

    villagebicycle
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    I heard a fucking awesome one the other day...

    When did Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

    Tenish

    If you don't get it, try saying it in Connery's voice...yesh.
     
  5. Spoz

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    #205 Spoz, Jun 7, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2015
  6. ouroboros

    ouroboros
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    First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them: “In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first lesson is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.” Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

    When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Lesson 2 is learn to pay attention.”
     
  7. sublime

    sublime
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    What do you call a woman that is PMSing, and also owns a GPS?



    A crazy bitch that can find you anywhere.
     
  8. scotchcrotch

    scotchcrotch
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    What's green and smells like pork?

    Kermit the Frog's finger
     
  9. shegirl

    shegirl
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    Redemption Seeking Whore

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    One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
    'If we don't get some support soon , people will think we're nuts.'
     
  10. toddus

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    Statistically speaking 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

    With its always great follow up:

    Not with my wife, then it is 1 out of 10.
     
  11. Parker

    Parker
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    What does every Elmo get before leaving the factory?

    Two test tickles.
     
  12. Muley05

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    Blonde A "When I was on vacation, I fucked a Brazilian guy."

    Blonde B "How many is a brazilian?"
     
  13. taste_my_rainbow

    taste_my_rainbow
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    A blonde takes some clothes to the dry cleaners.

    The Asian woman says, "Come again"

    Blonde says, "It's toothpaste you nosy bitch!"
     
  14. lust4life

    lust4life
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    Pilot over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to begin our approach into... AHHHHHH! SHIT!"

    A few moments of silence...

    Pilot: "I apologize, folks. One of the flight attendants spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. you should see the front of my pants!"

    Voice from the back of the plane: "Yeah, well you should see the back of mine!"
     
  15. pincinelly

    pincinelly
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    A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Unless you are diabetic.
     
  16. FutzinChamp

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    Should still be lurking

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    A panda walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a hamburger, gobbles it down, pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. Then the panda leaves.

    Another patron at the bar asks the bartender, "What the fuck was that?"

    The bartender then hands the patron an encyclopedia opened to the page on pandas.

    The patron reads, "Panda. Native to Southeast Asia. Eats chutes and leaves."




    Get it? Chutes....shoots
     
  17. ROC711

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    A guy walks into a bar and sitting at the bar he sees a man with an incredibly small head, like the shrunken headhunter heads small. He gets a couple of drinks in him and gets the courage to ask the man what is up with his head. The man starts to tell his story about how he was on a boat and the boat sank. He was the sole survivor and was rescued by a mermaid. The mermaid brought him to a close by deserted island. On the island the mermaid told the man that she was a magical mermaid and would grant him three wishes.

    The first wish the man asked to be rescued and brought back to civilization. The mermaid said “No problem, in two days a boat will be cruising by and will rescue you from the island.”

    For his second wish the man asks to be set for life financially. The mermaid said “No problem when you get back check your bank account and you will have enough money to be comfortable for the rest of your life.”

    For the third wish the man asks to have sex with the mermaid. “Problem” says the mermaid. “See the top half of me is a woman, but the bottom half is a fish, it is imposable for us to have sex”. The man thinks for a second and say, “well, how about a little head?”
     
  18. effinshenanigans

    effinshenanigans
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    A drunk walks out of a bar after closing time and begins to walk home. On his way, he sees a nun. He runs over to the nun and punches her in the stomach as hard as he can. Before she even has time to react, he smacks her in the back of the head and then knees her in the chest, leaving her in a heap on the ground. As he's standing over her he yells with angry, slurred words, "Not so fuckin' tough tonight, are ya Batman?"
     
  19. scotchcrotch

    scotchcrotch
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    "My son asked me the other day what 'gay' means. Normally that question wouldn't bother me, but it was after I threw a baseball".
     
  20. Racer-X

    Racer-X
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    Disturbed

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    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot


    An engineering major, and psychiatry major, and an English major are standing at the counter of a McDonalds's when a guy runs toward them, pulls out a little box with a button on it. The man pushes the button and in a flash of light, he disappears. The engineer, surprised at what he has seen said, "How on earth did he do that?". The psychiatrist, just as surprised as the engineer said, "Why on earth did he do that?". The English major, who didn't seem very surprised said "Hey do you guys want fries with that? You're holding up the line!"


    What did the constipated accountant do?
    Worked it out with a pencil.