What's green and wears an apron? A cooking apple. What's brown and sticky? A stick. What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic. A wig and a turd walk into a bar. The wig orders a Guinness for himself, and a Budweiser for the turd. The barman shakes his head and says: "Sorry boys, can't serve you." The wig says "Why the fuck not?" Barman replies "because you're off your head, and your buddy's steaming."
Why don't girls from Minnesota date guys from Wisconsin? Spoiler Ever seen a gopher hole after a badger got through with it?
An Ant is walking through the jungle when it happens upon an Elephant with a thorn stuck in its paw. The Elephant says "Please Mr. Ant, would you remove this thorn?, it's very painful", to which the Ant replies, "Ok, but only if you let me fuck you in the arse first!". The Elephant ponders this & thinks, 'What could an Ant possibly do to me?". The elephant replies "Ok, hop on board". The ant makes it's way up the back of the Elephant, flops it out & proceeds to Rodger the Elephant from behind. Meanwhile, a Monkey up a nearby tree watching this drama unfolding breaks out into hysterical laughter & begins to throw rocks at the Elephants head. The Elephant is struck many times & in pain begins to call out "OOOHHH, AAAHHHH, stop it, it hurts!", to which the Ant replies ; "Yeahhhhhh , take that you bitch"
A professor at Uni was giving his first year Medical Students a lecture on the Human Reproductive System and its Physiology. "Human Semen contains various elements , including sugars such as glucose, frusctose and surcrose" he stated.. An attractive female student upon hearing this and being amazed ask out loud ... "So why doesn't it taste sweet? " The class in response starts laughing and she immediately realised what she has said and is hugely embarassed ; she quickly packs up her things and heads for the closest exit. On her way out the Professor having had some time to think of an answer ; correctly responded with .... "The reason that it doesn't taste sweet is because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat" The ensuing collective laughter followed the young woman all the way down the corridor as she made her escape and she was never seen again.
Some challenger spaceship jokes: What was the last thing Sharon McAuliffe said? Spoiler "What does this button do?" What was the last thing to go through Sharon McAuliffe's mind? Spoiler The control panel Also a racist joke for good measure: A truck driver was driving his route down the interstate hauling a truck full of bowling balls, and he sees a black guy hitch hiking. He stops and looks out and the guy asks, "Can I hitch a ride?" the truck driver says, "Sure, but you have to ride in the back of the truck." The guy agrees and they head down the interstate, he sees another black hitch hiker and looks out and greets him. The guy asks to hitch a ride and agrees to go in the back of the truck. This happens another 2 times. Then the truck driver comes along another black hitch hiker with a bike. The hitch hiker agrees to get in the back with his bike, the other hitch hikers and the load of bowling balls. Some time later the truck driver is pulled over by a highway patrol officer and is asked what he is hauling. The driver tells him, "I’m hauling this load of bowling balls." The officer checks out his truck and then asks to see the load he is hauling. The driver opens it up and immediately the officer commands,” CLOSE THE DOORS CLOSE THE DOORS!" The jolted driver does so, and the officer gets on his radio, Spoiler "I NEED BACKUP IMMEDIATELY! THIS GUY IS HAULING A TRUCK FULL OF NIGGER EGGS 5 OF THEM HAVE HATCHED AND ONE HAS ALREADY STOLEN A BIKE!"
My buddy Patrick and I were at the pub drinking when he decided he should leave. He clearly was not ok to drive, but as he was stumbling out he simply said, "I'm better off driving than walking right now." He pulled out and was swerving all over the road. A cop immediately pulled him over. "Sir, you were swerving a bit. Have you been drinking?" "Officer, take me in. I'm wasted." Pat rolls up into the police station and goes through the processing before being thrown in a cell. His cellmate hops off the top bunk bed with a loud thud. He is a very large man of African descent. Without saying anything, he pulls out his cock. And it is enormous. He then proceeds to swing it into the bunk bed and bends the pole in half. He hits it against the brick wall and bricks shake, mortar falls to the ground. He hits it against the toilet and shatters it. Finally, he looks at Patrick and says, "You see this? I'm gonna fuck you in the ass with this." With a sigh of relief Patrick says, "Well thank God! I thought you were gonna fucking hit me with it."
What do you call a white man surrounded by Indians? Spoiler A Bartender. Where do you find a woman after being beaten by her husband? Spoiler In the kitchen, if she knows what's fucking good for her. What do Amish people like to do on Halloween? Spoiler Pump-Kin. How did the redneck find his sister in the cornfield? Spoiler Satisfied. Why were so many black guys killed in Vietnam? Spoiler Whenever sombody yelled "Get Down!" they would all start dancing.
Why don't black guys like country music? Spoiler Because every time they hear "ho down", they think their sister's been shot.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Santa Clause, the perfect man and the perfect women(lets call her shegirl) are driving in a car. The car got in a terrible accident and only one person survived. Who survived? Spoiler The perfect women, There is no such thing as Santa Clause or the perfect man. Spoiler Moral to the story, even the perfect women can’t drive.
Got this one off entensity.net: So this hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear and takes with him his trusty 22-gauge rifle. After a little while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, though, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps this guy on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can either rip your throat out and eat you alive, or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll do you in the ass." The hunter figures that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers, bends over, and the bear delivers on his promise. After the bear leaves, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers into town vowing revenge. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear once again is gone. A moment later, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers and crawls back into town. Now he's really mad, so he buys himself a bazooka. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears this time, the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "You're not REALLY here for the hunting are you?"
I heard Penn Gillette tell this joke, and I hope it doesn't lose anything in translation to text: There's two siamese twin sisters. One plays the trumpet, and the other is a nymphomaniac. They both love Julio Inglasias. They are sitting at home. The one sister is playing the trumpet while the other furiously masterbates as she flips through the paper. The trumper playing sister stops playing the trumpet and points to an ad. The nymphomaniac sister continue masterbating. "Look," she exclaims, "Julio is coming to town!" The nymphomaniac stops masterbating and asks "want to go?" Fast forward a few weeks. They are sitting front row center. One is playing the trumpet, the other is furiously masterbating. Julio takes the stage. Half way into the act, the band leader acknowledges the sister. The masterbation and trumpet playing kick up a notch. Julio acknowledges the sisters, and they are really going to town. After the show, they sneak back stage and as sitting in Julios dressing room, playing the trumpet and masterbating. Julio walks in, wearing a robe. They both stand up (they are siamese twins). He opens his robe and has a massive erection. They drop to their knees and take turns blowing him. He cums on both there faces and leaves. A year later, they are sitting at home, playing the trumpet and masterbating. As the one sister turns the page, she exclaims "Julio is coming to town!" The other sister stops masterbating, looks at the trumpet player and says "Gee, think he'll remember us?"
Similar to this: A penguin takes his car to the mechanic. While the car is being fixed, the penguin goes to get an ice cream cone. As he's walking back into the garage, the mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and says, "Nah, just some vanilla ice cream."
You could have ended the joke right there because I'm laughing. Thanks and all dude but not even close. I strongly think if I were, or anyone for that matter, even more people wouldn't like me because I'd be boring. At least the ones that don't like me now have real reasons.
A father and his three sons are sitting down at the table for dinner. The father looks at his first son and says, "Tony, why are you so fucking fat?" His son replies, "Dad, it's mom's spaghetti. It's just so good!" The father shouts back, "You need to take smaller bites." He looks at the next son and says, "And you, why are you so fucking fat?" The son replies, "Dad, it's mom's lasagna. It's so good!" The father shouts back, "You need to take smaller bites." The father finally looks over at his third son and says, "And you, how are you so damn trim? You're in great shape." The son looks at the father and says, "Well, I eat a lot of pussy." The father says, "Pussy?! But that tastes like shit!" The son reaches over and puts his hand on his father's shoulder. "Dad, you need to take smaller bites."