What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scottish shepard? Spoiler The Stones say, "Hey! You! Get offa my cloud!" A Scottish shepard says, "Hey! MacLeod! Get offa my ewe!"
If a stork brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby, what brings no babies? Spoiler Two swallows. One day a little boy runs up to his father to show him a bicycle that he found in a flyer from a local department store. "Look at this bike" the boy says, "it's a 24", with shocks and a six speed! I could go so fast!" Although impressed the father responded "That is a nice bike son, but now is not the time. We have a $280,000 mortgage we're still paying off, and all. Maybe next year, son, I'm sorry." The next morning the father wakes up to see his young son with all of his possessions in his backpack appearing to be moving out of the house. "What the hell are you doing moving out of the house, son, you're 7!" "Well, last night I heard you saying to mom that you are pulling out, and then she said that she's cumming too, and I'm sure as hell not getting stuck with a $280,000 mortgage!"
I'm a cornball, so I laughed at this: The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that is a lot!", gasped Mrs Smith. "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. "Oh, my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look" "Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." "Tripod?" "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long." Then Mrs Smith fainted.
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he finishes it he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another. The man finishes another beer, again looks in his pocket and orders another beer. This happens another four times and the bartender finally asks the man, "What do you keep looking in your pocket for?" The man replies, "A picture of my wife. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Still a good one: Two midgets vacationing in Las Vegas pick up a couple of hookers and take them back to their hotel room for a little fun. After a few cocktails and some dancing, the lights go out, but the night doesn’t go as planned. The first midget not only can’t get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to his buddy grunting… “One, two, three, HUH! One, two, three, HUH!” over and over. In the morning his pal asks him, “So how was it last night?” “I can’t believe how much it sucked,” says the first midget. “I couldn’t get hard all night. I’m so ashamed.” The second midget answers, “You think that’s bad? I couldn’t even get up on the bed.”
Church people passing the collection plate on Sunday morning. Preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the plate. He stopped the service and said, Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate, please stand up!! A gay man stood up and said, I did. Preacher said, Since you gave that money, I will let you pick out three hymns. Excitedly, the gay guy said, OK!!! Well, I'll take him and him and him!
Stole this one off Gizmodo.com .. Someone commented on an article about the Chilean miners getting out soon: I told my girlfriend to give me a Chilean miner. That's when she goes down to the bottom of my shaft and stays there till Christmas.
/Racist Joke/ How long does it take a nigger to take a shit? 9 months. - Courtesy of my cab driver lastnight. I was in fucking tears. There were many sexist jokes as well but I have aterrible memory and this is what I remember. Hate if you want. /Not racist joke/ A man is in the desert and gets stuck in quicksand and cannot free himself. A guy walks buy and the stuck man begs the guy to help him get out. The passerby says he will free him but only if the stuck man sucks his dick. The man in the quicksand tells him to fuck off. The man in the quickstand wiggles around in the sand hopelessly trying to free himself until a big Swedish man walks by. The guy in the quicksand asks for help, but he Swedish man says he will only help if the stuck man lets him fuck him in the ass. The stuck man again tells the passerby to fuck off and again begins with his struggle. Finally, as the man in the sand is buried up to his neck, another man approaches the man in quicksand. The stuck man says " ok I will do anything, I will suck your dick, you can fuck me in the ass, just get me out of here, I'll do anything." The passerby says "Fucking faget," and squishes his head into the sand.!!!!
It was Johnny's birthday and the entire family gathered to give him a party. Johnny's parents and some other adults were standing in the kitchen when little Johnny busted in. "Mom! Dad! I just saw grandma's clam!" Confused, the parents walked into the next room to find grandma laying on the floor passed out drunk, her dress wadded around her waste. Johnny's parents explained to him "Johnny, that's not a clam, that's grandma's vagina." "Well, it sure tasted like a clam!"
The wife just asked me how I liked her new dress. "Looked better with the potatoes in it" wasn't what she wanted to hear.
Todd Packer on the Halloween ep. of The Office: Q: Why don't witches wear underwear? A: They have to keep a good grip on the broom.
This one is dirty, but I also think it's kind of cute: A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
So, why don't women wear mini-skirts during the winter? Spoiler Chapped lips. So a guy walks into a bar and sees this gorgeous blonde woman drinking alone. The man walks up to the woman and says, "Hi there, sweet thing, what's your name?" The blonde looks at him with eyes devoid of intelligence, "My name is Michelle, but I go by Carmen, because it's the two things I like the most. What's your name?" "My name? -- Uh... BJ Titsandgolf."
Three guys, a Brit, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker, are in the jungle on a hunting trip. One day, they're captured by a tribe of cannibals. The chief comes up to them and says,"We're going to kill you, eat you, and use your skin to make our canoes. But, we will allow you to choose your own end." The Brit requests a pistol. With the stiffest of upper lips, he puts the pistol to his temple and shouts, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out. The Frenchman requests a sword. He shouts, "Viva la France!" and runs himself through. The New Yorker requests a fork. He starts jabbing himself furiously and is soon bleeding from hundreds of holes all over his body. Horrified, the chief asks what he's doing. He shouts, "There goes your fucking canoe!" ............................................................................................................................................................................................... Two white guys and a black guy are working in a field one day when the Devil appears before them. He says to them, "I'll make you a wager, if you can sit on my hand without burning up, I will reward you with gold and riches beyond imagination. But if not, your souls will be mine!" The first white guy sits on the Devil's hand, immediately burns up and his soul gets dragged to Hell. The second white guy sits on the hand and he too burns up and gets sent to Hell. The black guy then sits on the Devil's hand but, much to his chagrin, nothing happens and the black man remains unhurt. "How did you do that?", demanded the Devil. "Silly bitch, milk chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand!" .............................................................................................................................................................................................. How does a southern girl know if her mother is having her period? Spoiler Her brother's dick tastes funny. .............................................................................................................................................................................................. To coincide with the opening of a new history museum, a famous painter was commissioned to create a work depicting Custer's last thoughts. He toiled for months on the project, but when the museum was opened and the painting revealed, management and patrons were horrified and disgusted. The scene showed a lake filled with fish with halo's over their heads, and a number of Native Americans in various acts of fornication. The manager, expecting a great battle scene or something similar, confronted the painter and demanded to know the meaning of the work. "I commissioned you to depict Custer's last thoughts, what is this filth?" The painter replied, "Custer's last thoughts, "Holy mackerel, where'd all those fucking Indians come from?" .............................................................................................................................................................................................. A man comes home one night, stumbling drunk. His wife demands to know where he'd been. "Honey", he says, "I was just in the most amazing bar I've ever seen in my life! The doors were made of solid gold, the bar was made of solid gold, hell, even the toilets were gold!" The wife doesn't believe a word, but the next morning she gets the name of the bar and calls them up. "Excuse me, but do you have gold doors?" The bartender answers, "Well, yes we do." She continues, "And a solid gold bar as well?" "Yes, our bar is pure 24 karat gold." "Even the toilets are gold?" At this the bartender puts down the phone and shouts, "Hey Lou, I think we might have a lead on who pissed in your saxophone last night!"
An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.. The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day.." The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV.. Last was the Indian, : "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"
One day an old man sitting on his porch saw Lil' Johnny walking down the street carrying chicken wire, and immediately asked "Johnny, what are you going to do with all of that chicken wire?" Johnny replied "Imma catch me some chickens!" The elderly man chuckled, shook his head and thought how silly that was. Sure enough though, right at dusk Johnny walked back down the street with an armful of chickens, grinning from ear to ear. Again the old man shook his head. The next morning Johnny was seen carrying a fishnet, and the old man stopped him while asking "Johnny, what are you going to do with that fishnet?" Johnny replied "Imma catch me some fish!" The elderly man again chuckled and thought that his young boy was crazy. But just as night fell, Johnny walked back home successful again, this time with his arms full of fish. The old man couldn't believe it. The next day Johnny walked down the street carrying a pussywillow, and before the boy could even greet the old man, the boy could hear the elderly man screaming "Wait, Johnny, wait! I'm gonna grab my hat quick and I'm coming with you!"
The last girl I was with told me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed. So i fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth.
Bobby and Susie are at the playground together when Bobby drops his pants and says, "Ha ha! See what I have that you don't?!" Susie lift's her dress, drops her panties and replies, "Well, I have one of these, and my mom says it'll get me as many of yours as I want!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Crabtree decided to have a spelling lesson in class one day. "I would like you to state your father's job, spell it, and explain what he does. Carlo, you can go first." Carlo: "My daddy's a plumber: P-L-U-M-B-E-R. When your pipes are broke, he fixes them!" Mrs. C: "Very good! Antoine, you're next." Antoine: "My dad's an electrician. E-L-E...(long pause)..." Mrs. C: "Well, you think about it some more, Antoine and we'll come back to you. Bobby, what about you?" Bobby: "My dad's a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E, and if her were here, he'd be laying 2-1 odds that this dumbfuck Antoine won't be able to spell electrician."
A Homeless-looking man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. "I dunno buddy, It doesnt look like you can pay for it", says the barkeep. "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I have the drink?" says the bum. "OK- as long as its not too risque'" says the bartender. So the bum reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster and sets him on the bar. The hamster runs to the end of the bar, jumps over to the piano and starts playing Gershwin like he was on stage at Carnegie Hall. "That's amazing!" exclaims the bartender,"Here's your drink!" The bum gulps it down and asks for another. "Show me something else and you can drink here all night on the house" replies the bartender. So the bum reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog. The frog joins the hamster at the piano and starts singing Gershwin like a seasoned pro. By this time, a small crowd has gathered and all are astounded by the performance. A man comes over to the bum and offers him 300 bucks for the frog, which the bum accepts, and the man leaves with the frog. "ARE YOU NUTS?" screams the barkeep."You could have made MILLIONS!" "Dont worry," said the bum,"The hamster's a ventriloquist." -Stolen from A Prairie Home Companion joke book I found in BJs Wholesale