Im not going back and reading through 18 pages to make sure these arent repeats, so Im sorry in advance if they are. ----------------------- A man with leprosy went to a baseball game one day in the middle of the summer. He sat down, took off his shirt because it was a very hot day, and sat in a section all by himself because he was afraid his horrendous appearance would bother people. Soon after, people starting crowding around him and another man sat down right next to him. Feeling uncomfortable, the man with leprosy turned to the other man and said, "Im sorry, I better move, I dont want my appearance to upset anyone." The other man assured him it wouldnt and not to worry about it." A little while later, the man next to him starting throwing up. The man with leprosy turned to him and said, "I knew it, its my appearance isnt it? Im sorry, I will move now." However the other man assured him thats not why he was getting sick and that it During the 5th inning, the man starting throwing up again. The man with leprosy turned to him and said, "Really, its not a problem for me to move, I hate to see anyone get sick because of me." Once again, the man told him that it wasnt his appearance making him sick and that everything was fine. During the 9th inning, the man starting throwing up more than before, and the man with leprosy said to him, "Okay Im moving, I cant stand to have anyone get sick and have the game ruined for them because of my horrible appearance. The man stopped throwing up, turned to him and said, "Dont worry its not you, its the guy dipping chips in your back" ----------------------------- Q. Why did Hitler kill himself? A. Spoiler He couldnt pay his gas bill Q. Why was the black guy blue? A. Spoiler Hes my negro and Ill paint him any color I want. Q. How long does it take to get down from the World Trade Center? A. Spoiler The rest of your life.
Little Johnnie is sitting on the side of the road next to a tin can happily humming to himself. A priest, who's walking up the road, sees the boy and thinks to himself how wonderful it is to see a little child so happy and wanders over to say hello. He greets Little Johnnie and remarks how fulfilling it is to see a happy child enjoying the day. He then asks, by way of conversation, what is it that Little Johnnie has in the tin can? "Gasoline, Father" "Oh dear," the priest thinks to himself, "it's certainly not safe for a child to have such a dangerous thing with him. I must get it away from him." Thinking quickly, he whips out a canteen and tells Johnnie that he'll swap the canteen for the tin can. "Why, what's so special about that?" "Well, it contains holy water." "...and what's so good about that, Father?" "Well, just last week I poured this holy water on a pregnant lady's belly and she passed a beautiful baby boy." "That's nothing, Father. Just ten minutes ago, I poured this gasoline on a cat's asshole and he passed a Ferrari..."
Marriage counselor says to the couple, "Ok, let's start the conversation today with something you both share in common." Husband says, "neither of us give blowjobs."
Last night I went to bed a bit drunk and decided my last incarnation was as a stand-up comedian. My wife said I was going to hell. Fortunately, I saved many of the off-the-cuff jokes in my phone: What do you call a black man on a sidewalk? Spoiler Escaped con What do you call a black pride parade? Spoiler Prison riot What is the last thing a black guy needs? Spoiler Freedom Did you hear what happened to Princess Diana? Spoiler Yeah, I heard she ran into a bit of bad luck What do you call a smart aggie? Spoiler Exception to the rule How do you tell a catholic priest from a jewish rabbi? Spoiler One can still be friends with all the neighborhood kids How come black guys don't like to be on top? Spoiler too much work Why do black guys like white chicks? Spoiler reminds them of cotton
SGEDIT: What the fuck was that? Was it supposed to be funny? Not even close. Yes we have our share of off color jokes but they are atleast funny.
A 5 year old girl was attending a wedding for the first time and asked her mother, "Mommy, why is the bride wearing white?" The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The girl thought about this and then asked, "Why is the groom dressed in black?"
A Day late, but oh well. 3 Chinese Buddhist monks die and arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter greets the trio, and tells them, "Since your knowledge of Christianity is so limited, I'm going to give you one shot apiece to get into heaven. Each of you must explain the meaning of Easter." The first monk steps up timidly. "Easter when America eat hamburger and hot dog and set off firework!" "No, incorrect!", says Saint Peter, and a trap door opens beneath the monk and he falls into everlasting torment. The second monk is more afraid than the first, but he steps up anyway. "Ehhh..Easter when big fat man come down chimney and give all good boy and girl present!" "Wrong!" says St. Peter, and down goes monk #2. Monk three is confident, even in the face of what has become of his companions. "Easter when Jesus die on cross and buried in tomb." "Yes, yes! Go on," says St. Peter. "He come out 3 day later. If no see shadow, six more week winter!"
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants. "Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?" Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I sure ain't gonna touch it!"
So an airplane crashes down onto a desert island. There were 4 survivors, 3 men and a woman. The island was sustainable for life, but the men all looked at each other with the same though of, "...so there are 3 of us, and 1 of her. How are we all going to be getting our nut off?" Luckily the woman was a complete nympho and the 4 lived prosperously for years. Until 1 day the woman dies. The first month was was awful. The second month was unbearable. The third month was dreadful. So the fourth month they buried her. ==================== When they buried Freddie Mercury they said it was the cleanest hole he'd ever been in. ==================== So a man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is destroying his family. (All shamelessly stolen)
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
Gingers here in Australia are called rangas, as in hair like orangutans, fyi: The wife gives birth at the hospital. The husband is in the next room anxiously waiting when the doctor finally comes out. Doc: I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Husband: Oh my god!.. Uhh, the bad news. Doc: Well, the bad news is, your child's a ranga. [pause] Husband: ... So what's the good news? Doc: It's dead. And thus concludes the best ranga joke ever told.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Fridays and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?' Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.' Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.' Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."
A fairy tale: Once upon a time, a handsome Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me? and the Princess said "NO!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked skinny, big-titted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to strip clubs and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and rum and never heard any bitching and never paid chid support or alimony and ate pussy and ass-fucked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fucking cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.
My attempt of an Anthony Jeselnik like joke. "Man, I hate working with married women. They are like children. They're spoiled, always getting what they want. There is absolutely nothing you can talk to them about. And after having sex with them, you know you should feel guilty, but don't."
Why do the police have such a hard time solving crimes committed by rednecks? Spoiler Their DNA is all the same and they have no dental records.