Corny, but I laughed. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place... 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . . She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for an Ovechkin. Bartender says, "What's an Ovechkin?" Guy says, "A white Russian without the ice and cup."
It's about 2:00 am when a guy is driving through a small town and as he approaches a stop sign, he slows down and looks both ways as he proceeds through the empty intersection. Almost instantly, he sees the flashing red lights in his rearview mirror and he pulls over. The police officer comes up to him and says, "You ran the stop sign back there at Main and Elm." The driver says, "Aw, c'mon, man! It's 2 o'clock in the morning! There's nobody else out and I slowed down!" The cop tells him to get out of the car. Once he's standing next to his car, the cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beat the shit out of the guy, who falls to the ground and is trying his best to cover up from the unrelenting assault with the stick. "STOP! STOP! PLEASE! STOP" he yells. The police officer continues the beating, and says to the guy, "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"
Two guys are driving down the street in one of em's truck. They pass two dogs screwing on someone's front lawn. One guy says "man, that really is the best way to make love". The second guy says "I dunno man, my wife is really conservative when it comes to those sorts of things." The first guy says "Just fix her a martini or two, she'll get into it". The next day they see each other: The first guy says "How did it go?" The second guy said "It went pretty well, but it took seven martinis." "Seven Martinis!?!" the first guy asks. "Yeah, after two she was feeling frisky alright, but it took five more to get her out on that guy's lawn."
Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world." "Why is that?" said the other tramp. "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a 20 dollar bill. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days." The other tramp said, "That's pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the woods and I had sex with her for two days." "Jesus," said the first tramp, "you are the luckiest guy. Did you get a blow job, too?" The other tramp said, "Well, no, I never found her head."
Sent to me as a text message. My ex wife could manipulate the muscles of her pussy so that it felt like you were getting a blowjob; which is ironic because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth, she sounded like a cunt.
A father pulls his son over to share some bits of wisdom. He says, "Son, women are like parking spaces--all the good ones are taken... ...and when no one's looking, you stick it in the handicapped."
Heard this one from a friend a few days ago. What's the speed limit of sex? Spoiler 68, because at 69 you have to turn around
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted,'This is her husband!'
#1 A Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: '7 feet, 350 pounds, 20 inches, 3 pounds, Turner Brown.' The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to consciousness, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.' The small guy says: 'Turner Brown? Whew, I thought you said, 'Turn around!' #2 A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Spoiler Eric Clapton would have never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired". The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars". The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit".
So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very smart wasp. He gets his high school diploma in a little under 3 years, with a 4.0 GPA and all that snazz. After high school, believe it or not, the wasp gets accepted to Harvard. Harvard! This too proves to be no challenge for our hero, as he graduates in just two years, again a 4.0, on the Dean’s list, and all that snazz. Not to mention all the clubs and sports he was in-the newspaper, rowing, student government-and the fact that he was by far the most popular student on campus. Even his professors looked up to him. He goes on to get two PhDs, and when he finishes his education, the wasp faces a bit of a dilemma. How does he apply his knowledge now? Where does he go from here? He decides to try out politics. After all, he was popular throughout school, did well in Harvard government. So he runs for mayor, and wins in a landslide. He greatly reforms the city, fixing virtually all its major problems. He runs for governor and again wins in a landslide. Two years later, the presidential election was coming up, and the wasp decides he might as well go for it. Of course, he wins in the largest landslide in US presidential history. His presidency goes exceedingly well-he is loved by all parties, and has the highest approval ratings in history. He also finds the cures for cancer, AIDS, and broken hearts while in the White House. After 8 years (yes, of course he was reelected) the time has come for him to leave his office. Even his successor his saddened by the wasp’s departure, but they all know it’s what must be done. Back at his vacation home in California his first day after leaving office, the wasp looks back on his long and fruitful life. He realizes that he hasn’t been back to his hive at all since that first day he left. He suddenly feels a twang of guilt as he realizes how much he misses his parents and his little brother. So he heads back to the hive, looking more worn out than he remembers. He goes inside and greets his family, who are overjoyed at the sight of him. He talks about how his life has gone as his family listens in wonderment. Eventually he decides he is thirsty, so he decides to visit the old watering hole he remembered. Once he gets there though, there’s an extremely long line. He decides it’s worth the wait, so gets in line. One hour. Two hours. This is the slowest moving line he’s ever seen! Eventually he calculates that it could be a few days before he gets to the front of the line, so decides it’s not worth it. He decides to go get some cider to drink instead, but waddya know, another huge line of people waiting for cider! He remembers one other drinking area that never had a long line-fruit punch! So he decides to go get punch. He arrives, and lo and behold, there’s no punch line.
The other day my wife was complaining to me about our sex life. "Why don't we make love like in the movies?" she asked. So I took her and ripped off her clothes, bent her over and went at it. I slapped her ass, pulled her hair, and told her she was a dirty girl. When I was just about finished I pulled out and turned her over and I came all over her face and in her hair. Turns out we don't watch the same movies....