One fine morning, young black couple decided to pack a picnic lunch and take a drive through the countryside in their old VW Bug. The scenery was beautiful, and before long, things started to get heatedly amorous in the car. They pulled over,the girl hopped out with the picnic blanket and found a nice secluded spot not far from the road. She spread out the blanket, took off all her clothes and waited for her man..and waited, and waited. She called out to him, "Honey, if you don't hurry up, I wont be in the mood much longer!" He replied, "Baby, if I don't get out of the mood, I won't be able to get out of this Volkswagen!"
Guy walks into a bookstore. He asks the young female clerk in the Health section, "Do you have the new best selling book for men with short penises? I can't remember the title." She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." The man said, "That's the one. I'll take a copy".
An Amish couple and their son head to the big city for the first time. After parking their buggy, the wife takes the husband's wallet and says, "I'm going shopping.". And off she goes. The father looks at the son, so at the father, then they look at their surrounds. The father suggests they enter a large skyscraper across the street, so they do. Once in side, they marvel at the design, the marble, the granite, the high ceilings, the artwork. Then the son points and says, "look, Pa! The walls open and close!" as he pointed at the elevators. The father watched intently as people got in and the doors closed. Then he saw an old woman get in one and the doors closed. A few minutes later, they reopened and out stepped a young, smoking hot, leggy blonde. He turned to his son and said, "Boy, go fetch your mother."
Saw an old girlfriend last night. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. The police were furious since I was only supposed to identify the body.
Paraphrased from last Sunday's "Get Fuzzy" comic strip- A young couple go to karaoke night at a local spot, and the guy proposes to his girlfriend after they sing a duet. She says yes, and then an older gentleman takes the stage and sings the most beautiful rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" that either of them has ever heard. They call the man over and beg him to sing at their wedding. He says, "Not only will I sing, but I'm also a Justice of the Peace. I can marry you if you want." They agree. Six months later, they are married. The ceremony was beautiful, but the singing Justice of the Peace was terrible at the reception. None of his songs besides "Stairway" was any good. He ruined the whole celebration. The Moral of the Story: Never book a judge by his cover.
On hearing her elderly grandfather had died, Katie went to console her 98-year-old grandmother. When Katie asked how he died, gran replied, "He had a heart attack during Sunday morning sex." Katie expressed her astonishment at her grandparents risking their lives making love. Her grandmother explained, "We did it to the rhythm of the church bells, nice and slow - in on the ding, out on the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, then continued, "He'd still be alive too if that fucking ice cream truck hadn't driven by!"
Sister Mary Alice described her biking tour of the Vatican to her best friend Sister Constance so well that the two decided to make another trip. Once they got there, they found that some streets had been blocked off due to construction and they had to take a detour over rough cobblestone roads. After about a mile on the cobblestones Sister Mary Alice remarked, "Hmm, I've never come this way before!" "Me neither," replied Sister Constance, "It must be the cobblestones."
An grade school was giving a vocabulary lesson to her students and asked if any of them could correctly use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. A girl stood up and said: "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher responded: "That's not always true, the sky could be orange during sunset or black at night. Anyone else?" A boy stood up and said: "Trees are definitely green." The teacher responded: "That's also not always true, during fall, aren't the leaves brown and red? Anyone else?" In the back of the room a little boy stood up and asked: "Are farts lumpy?" The shocked teacher said back: "That's disgusting, no they are not." The boy then said: "Well, then I definitely just shit my pants."
From a co-worker — What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics? Spoiler Not being retarded.
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motorcycles still parked out the front. He goes behind the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the butt of the other. "What's going on here?" he asks. The biker replies, "My Bro here has had way too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT." The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
What's pink, 9 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I shove it in her mouth? Spoiler Her miscarriage.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and pull up three stools. They each order a pint of Guinness. As soon as the bartender puts down the glasses, three flies come in through an open window and land in each of the glasses. The Englishman looks down disgustedly, pushes his glass forward, and says: "Sir, I'd like another Guinness, please." The Scotsman looks down at his glass, plucks the fly out and flicks it away, then chugs it down. After belching, he says: "Another Guinnesh, pleashe." Then the Irishman grabs the fly out of his glass, begins squeezing it and yells: "SPIT IT OUT, YA BASTARD!"
How did the Amish guy find his sister in the corn field? Spoiler Satisfied. What do you call a black guy with a medical degree? Spoiler A DOCTOR, you racist. Geez. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Spoiler They taste funny.
My roommate this past semester occasionally did stand up comedy, this is some of his shit that I can remember: I'm 5'8", and people say that I'm "short." My girlfriend is 5'8", and people say that she's... Spoiler "a cunt" I don't like telling racial jokes, because I don't see myself as racist. My dad on the other hand, well, he likes to call himself "old-fashioned." There's nothing that makes him more...uncomfortable...than the idea of his daughter and a black man... Spoiler sharing a water fountain A lot of guys will know what I'm talking about when I say there's nothing worse than when you want to jerk off, but you can't find the charging cable for your laptop, so Spoiler I don't have anything to choke myself with I had my first threesome the other day, with my friend dave and this chick we met at a party. It wasn't quite what I expected, my friend was at one end fucking her, and I was at the other end Spoiler keeping her from getting away.
Was walking in the park last night, out of the shadows stepped the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. As she approached we made eye contact and I smiled nervously, the electricity was immediate, she fell at my feet and we made passionate love right there. I fucking love my new Taser.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends, etc. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral …I’m a gynecologist.” That’s when the proctologist fainted.