So last weekend I went out drinking as usual and ended up going home with this girl. We have a night of crazy drunken sex and both pass out afterward. I wake up around 5:00 am and want to have sex again, but she's an incredibly deep sleeper and I can't wake her up. I try rolling her on to her back, but I'm too tired from staying up late having sex, so I just climb on top of her and fuck her in the ass while she's passed out. Spoiler The Aristocrats!
What's the worst part about having sex with a six year old? Spoiler Getting the bloodstains out of your clown suit How do you get 1000 dead babies into a telephone booth? Spoiler Blender How do you get them back out? Spoiler Tostitos! 3 Guys have been in training for a long time to go into a covert government program, and they've all reached their final test. They meet up at a house in the suburbs and sit down in the kitchen. The proctor pulls the first guy into the hallway. He says, "Here's a loaded 9mm. Your wife is in that first bedroom to the right. We need you to go in there and shoot her." The guy goes in, comes out about five minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, I just can't do it." The Proctor says, "All right, fuck you, you're out. You fail." Second guy gets pulled into the hallway, same thing. "Here's a loaded 9mm, your wife is in that second bedroom. We need you to go in there and shoot her. We need to know you're willing to do anything we tell you." Guy goes in, comes out about ten minutes later, crying. "I just can't do it", he sobs. "I love her too much." Proctor says, "Fuck you, you're out. 10 years of training fucking wasted. Have fun mopping shitters." Third guy, same thing. "We need you to go in there and shoot your wife. We need to know that, no questions asked, your first loyalty is to us." Guy goes into the room at the end of the hallway. You hear a shot fired. Then the rest of the clip all in a row. Banging, screaming, ripping sounds, horrible yelling. The guy comes out of the room with scratches all over his face, chunks of hair torn out, shirt clawed to shreds. Panting, he hands the proctor the gun and says, "Some idiot put blanks in this motherfucker, so I had to beat the bitch to death."
Best joke ever guys. Ok. So there is this young kid who we'll call John. John is a great kid who's father loves him very much. On John's 12 birthday his father asks him what he would like? So John says "dad I want a ping pong ball." So his dad gets him a ping pong ball. On his thirteenth birthday his dad asks him what he would like so he says "dad I want a ping pong ball please." So his dad goes and buys him a ping pong ball. For his 16th birthday, his dad asks him what he would like, and again he wanted a ping pong ball. John graduates high school, his dad asks him what he wants. John enthusiastically asks for a ping pong ball. This goes on for many years. One day John gets very sick, very fast. He's in the hospital and its clear he is going to die very soon. In hopes of raising his spirits, his dad asks him what he would like as a present. John asks his dad for another ping pong ball. A few days later they are sitting in the hospital and its clear, John isn't going to make it to the end of the week. His father is holding him sobbing silently. He then asks his son "son ever since I can remember, you've always wanted ping pong balls for a gift no matter what the occasion. Why? What did you ever do with them?" John answered: Spoiler Dad I... I... And just like that John died.
A little boy has diarrhea, so he goes to his mom & asks her for some Viagra. "Viagra for diarrhea?" she asks. "Why would you want that?" "Because that's what you always give dad to make his shit hard."
This mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out of here, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says "But why not? I'm a fun guy." A father is sitting in the living room reading the paper when his daughter comes downstairs and asks to borrow the car for the night. He replies "Sure honey, but you have to suck my dick first." She looks at him astounded and promptly informs him that she will not be sucking his dick. He puts his paper back up infront of his face and says that those are the rules and to come back if she changes her mind. Upstairs she thinks to herself, "What's one little blow job. I really do want to go out tonight." So she heads back downstairs and tells him that she'll do it. "Excellent," he says and whips out his dick. This dick is full-on caked in shit and smells ungodly. She says, "Dad, there is no way I'm putting my mouth on that." He zips back up and starts reading the paper again saying that those are the rules. Back upstairs, she decides that it's worth it to just go out this one night and heads back down. She tells her Dad she will do as he asks and quickly gets down to business. Afterwards, the Dad concedes that it was in fact a good blow job, zips up, and goes to get the keys. He's looking around for a second, pauses and then says, "Oh, you know what? I forgot your brother has the car tonight."
A White guy surrounded by Natives? -A Bartender. How does a native count to 50? -"One Two-Four Fifty, please":
Two guys walk into a bar, which is kinda stupid. I mean, you think they would have seen it right there in front of them. This smokin' hot chick walks into a bar looking pissed off, and demands a pitcher of Miller Lite. The bartender is a real creep, so he puts a roofie in the pitcher before he gives it to her. After she passes out, he takes her to the back and fucks the hell out of her, and when he's done, the bar back and the buss boys take turns on her, then they look in her purse to find out her address, call her a cab and send her home. The next week, the same woman comes in and asks for a pitcher of Miller Lite. The bartender spikes it with another roofie, and he and the crew get another crack at her unconcious pussy, then send her off like they did before. The week after that, the same woman comes in, and orders a pitcher of Bud Light. Bartender: "Why not Miller Lite this time?" Woman: "Because that stuff makes my pussy hurt."
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. She's already been told twice. What do you do when you see a black guy with half a head? Reload and shoot again. Why did Moses and the Jews roam the desert for 40 years? Somebody dropped a quarter. How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice? Rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear. What does a girl from West Virginia have in common with a cat? They both lick their pa. Little Johnny was sitting in class while his teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. "Can anyone use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence for me?" she asked. Little Johnny raised his hand, but she wouldn't call on him, because she knew Little Johnny is bad. Instead, she called on Mary, who had her hand raised. Mary stood to answer the question. "Sidney Crosby got into a fight at the hockey game last night, and was suspended indefinitely." "Very good, Mary. However, it's unlikely that a player would get suspended for that. Does anyone else want to try?" Little Johnny was the only person with his hand raised now. She had to call on him. Little Johnny stood. "My balls were slapping Mary's ass last night. I was in. Definitely." The next day in class, they were practicing their spelling. Each student had to stand, tell what their father's job was, and spell it. Mary went first. "My father is a lawyer, he argues for people in court. L-A-W-Y-E-R." "Very good Mary," said the teacher. Next she called on Willis, the little black boy. "My father's an electrician. He fixes peoples wires and stuff. E-L-E-K...wait...I...wait.." "It's okay, Willis," said the teacher. "Sit down and think about it, and we'll come back to you." Finally, she had no choice but to call on Little Johnny. He stood and cleared his throat. "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E. And if he was here right now, he'd bet you a thousand dollars that nigger can't spell electrician."
How did Stevie Wonder break his arm? He was reading stop signs. What do you call Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder playing tennis? Endless Love Everybody knows about the 3 Wise Men that brought baby Jesus the gold, frankincense, and myrrh. What most people don't know is that their were actually 4 Wise Men. The fourth Wise Man brought the wine. So when the 4 Wise Men arrive at the manger there wasn't enough room for everyone to go inside. The fourth Wise Man offers to stay outside and wait. The problem is that it was kind of cold out. So the fourth Wise Man thinks to himself, "I'll have just a bit of wine to stay warm." By the time that its his turn to go into the manger he has a good buzz going. As he walks in he stubs his toe on a rock, drops the bottle of wine breaking it and yells out, "JESUS CHRIST!". Mary turns to Joseph and says, "You know what? I like that a lot better than Leroy."
A guy comes downstairs one morning to see his girlfriend eating breakfast. She says, "I don't think I can date you anymore." He says, "Why not?" "Because I think you're a pedophile," she answers. He replies, "that's an awfully big word for an eight year old" Q: Why can't black people skydive? Spoiler A: They'd be beaten to death by their lower lip.
re-run from the drunk thread: What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.
A woman is lying in bed when her husband bursts through the bedroom door carrying a sheep under his arm. The husband says "See baby...this is the pig I have to fuck when you have a headache." The wife says "You are such a moron. That's not a pig, its a sheep." The husband replies "Shuttup bitch, I wasn't talking to you!" What was the difference between Michael Jackson and an apple? An apple is a piece of fruit and Michael Jackson fucked little boys.
Lady about mid-20s goes to gyno, says she's not growing hair down there and it's freaking her out because she knows that's not natural. Gyno looks at her like she's stupid, "You ever seen grass growing on a busy street?"
A couple is about to have a baby. As the mother is delivering the baby in the room, the husband has to leave the room and go sit in the waiting room. He's waiting there for a while, when the nurse comes out with the baby. As she walks out with the baby, she looks at the father and then, all of a sudden, she drops the baby on the floor. She then picks it up and slams it into the wall, and then a desk. She punches the baby in the face, and then throws it across the room. The father screams at her "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??" The nurse looks at him, and then smiles and says "April fools, it was born dead"