Q: How do you tell if a guy is gay? A: He gets a hardon when you're fucking him in the ass. Two gay guys are fucking. One leans over the other one's shoulder and says, "You don't have AIDS, do you?" The other one says, "No, why?" The first one replies "Oh, good. I've had that before and I wouldn't want to catch it again." Q: Why are there no back people in Canada? A: Because they melted them all down to make hockey pucks. Q: Why do you never want to give head to a girl the morning after drunken sex? A: Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich? Q: Why does your dick drip after sex? A: Because it can't go *sniff* Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. A waitress walks up to take their order: Waitress- What can I get for you, gentlemen? Vampire 1- I'll have a warm cup of blood. Vampire 2- I'll also have a warm cup of blood. Vampire 3- I'll have a warm glass of water. Upon receiving their drinks, the first two vampires ask the third why he ordered water. The third vampire then pulls a bloody tampon from his pocket and says "Tea time!" Q: What's the difference between jelly and jam? A: I can't jelly my cock in your grandmother's asshole. Q: What's the difference between period blood and sand? A: You can't gargle sand.
What is black, white, black, white, and then red? Spoiler An african and a pelican fighting over a carp. Wokka wokka wokka.
A former roommate of mine is Latvian. Once, while riding the subway and talking about being Latvian, someone approached him. "Did you say you were Latvian?" "Yeah, I am." "Where are you from?" "Riga." "Ah, I'm from there. I moved a few years ago." "How is it?" "Too many foreigners." "Ah, you know, the stupid EU." You can't buy irony like that.
Brother and sister from WVA are having sex one day. Sister says to brother "Y'know! You fuck just like daddy!" Brother said "I know. Mom told me." ---------------- Man goes to the doctor. Doc says "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is you have AIDS." Guy says "Oh my god! That's horrible! What's the worse news?" Doctor says "You have Alzheimer's too." Guy starts to cry and falls silent for a minute. Then he says "Well... What's the bad news?" ---------------- What's the difference between a lesbian and a Wheat Thin? One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Spoiler 2 (get it? There is 2 mice fucking in a lightbulb *zing*
A police deputy pulls over a speeding vehicle. While approaching the car, he notices the driver is nervous and behaving somewhat erratically. The officer apprehensively asks for the driver's license and registration. "I don't have a license," the guy says. "And, uh, I can't get my registration." "Why not?" the officer asks, alarm bells beginning to go off in his mind. "Well... there's a gun in my glove compartment." "Why is there a gun in your glove compartment?" The deputy surreptitiously opens the flap on his holster. The driver's panic increases as he realizes the futility of the situation. "Because I just shot my wife!" The officer immediately calls for backup, stepping away from the car. In a stroke of fortune, his shift's sergeant just happens to be up the road, only seconds away. The two convene for a moment before the sergeant approaches the vehicle, the deputy a few steps behind, gun drawn. The second officer sees a calm, collected driver worlds apart from the unstable murder suspect his subordinate described. "What seems to be the problem, officer?" Put off, the sergeant asks for the driver's license and registration. The driver coolly produces his license from his wallet and, as the deputy trains his gun on the vehicle, pulls his registration papers from an otherwise empty glove compartment. The sergeant's confusion turns to irritation. "Now, wait a minute. This officer told me that not only were you operating a vehicle without a license, but you were also carrying a concealed weapon in your glove compartment and that you said you had shot your wife!" "Yeah, right," the driver scoffs. "And I bet he told you I was speeding, too." ...Oh, right, sorry. The driver had a dead baby, a black guy, and a domesticated woman in his trunk.
Q. Why did the feminist cross the road? A. TO SUCK MY DICK! Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Two: One to change it and another to SUCK MY DICK! Q: What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits, BITCH. Q.What has two legs and bleeds? A. Half a dog. Q. How many children does it take to tile a roof? A. Depends how thinly you slice them.
What's the difference between a keyboard and a woman? You only have to punch information into a keyboard once. -------- How do you know you're gay? Your dick smells like shit. How do you know I'm gay? I know your dick smells like shit. -------- I've decided this year I'm going to combine Christmas and Easter into one holiday. I've already picked out the decorations: Spoiler -------- Sure Jesus loves you, but he's still not going to swallow. -------- What can turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS ------- What's the #1 cause of pedophilia in America? Sexy kids. ------- I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer. ------- When is it bed time in Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand. ------- Last night I had a threesome with two women. Your mom, and your dad. ------- What's the definition of a virgin in the South? A girl who can outrun her brothers.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
How do you get a Polish Girl pregnant?? Spoiler Cum on her feet and let the flies do the rest. How did the Polish Girl chip her tooth? Spoiler By trying to suck off her dildo... What's the last thing that went through Curt Cobains head before he died? Spoiler Buckshot
Sensitivity warning? What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend? Spoiler I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex. What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? Spoiler I take my boots off to jump on a trampoline.
Whats long green and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs middle finger. A man in Canberra decides the way to make a fortune is to open a ten-pin bowling alley. He builds the ultimate bowling alley with 20 lanes, 2 restaurants and various bars. On the afternoon before the official opening he is standing around admiring his creation when he realises he’s forgotten to order bowling balls. He rings the manufacturer in Sydney and orders 1000 balls. The supplier advises that he has them in stock and all he has to do is drill and polish them and then he can air-freight them to Canberra. The bowling alley proprietor says this will cost too much in freight and asks that they be sent by road in a 22 wheeler semi trailer. The supplier works into the night and the balls are loaded and despatched. Travelling at great speed and in the middle of nowhere the truck driver sees 2 blokes standing on the side of the road. He stops to offer assistance and the 2 guys, who he sees are Aborigines, say that their bike has broken down on the way to Canberra and they are stranded. He offers them a lift but says they must travel in the back because company policy prevents passengers in the cabin. They climb in with their bike and he speeds off. Shortly after he’s pulled up by the police. One policeman says to his mate, “You book him while I check his load.” He opens the back but quickly slams and locks the door. And he runs to his mate and says, “Forget booking him. Let’s just get him across the border and out of New South Wales.” Despite his mates’ protests, they head off at great speed to the Canberra border, escorting the truck. At the border they stop and the truck hurtles on. The policeman then says to his mate, “Will you tell me why I couldn’t book him and we had to escort him here?” He replies, “When I opened the back I could see it was full of Abo eggs. We had to get them out of the state because 2 has already hatched and one of them had stolen a bike!”
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool n the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good timedrinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?" Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.
A man walked into his bedroom and handed his wife a bottle of asprin. "What are these for? I don't have a headache," she said. "Good," he replied, "Now take off your clothes 'cause we're having sex."
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? Spoiler If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult. What's the worst part about eating vegetables? Spoiler Putting them back in their wheelchairs. And one of my all-time favorites: What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Spoiler Telling your dad you're gay.
So there I was, fucking Grandpa in the ass. And he goes "Hey, how about a reach around?" And so then I says "What do you think I am? Gay or something?"