Ever hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia? He laid awake at night wondering if there was a dog.
Lemme sneak a couple in, only the one in nsfw tags is mine/original. Not that great, but fuck you I don't care. Spoiler A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So they buried Debbie. A couple of quickies: Spoiler A guy takes a girl out on a date, consisting of dinner and a movie. They decide to go back to his place where they end sitting on his couch, having a few drinks. Well, one thing leads to another and they start fooling around. He starts to undo her pants when she pauses and says, "Isn't it a bit presumptuous to have sex on the first date?" The guy looks at her slightly puzzled and responds with, "Isn't presumptuous a big word for a 12 year old?" Spoiler Q: what's 12 inches long, has a purple head and makes women scream in the morning? A: SIDS Spoiler What's the biggest cause of pedophilia in this country? Sexy kids. NSFW You know when bitchy parent watchdog groups denounce child porn, they usually say something along the lines of "but the children, the children are innocent." Listen lady, if they were innocent they wouldn't be doing porn in the first place.
How about making this a permanent thread? So there's this priest, a rabbi, a Mexican, and a 12 year old school boy dying of terminal cancer on a small, 4 seat plane headed to wherever. This plane is outfitted with 4 parachutes incase there is an in-flight emergency. Well, the engine flames out on the plane, and the pilot panics, grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. As the plane is falling to the earth, the 4 remaining passengers try to figure out who should get the last three parachutes. The rabbi says that he should be allowed to have a parachute because he is a man of the true faith, not a flash-in-the-pan religion like Christianity. The priest pipes up and says that there are far more Christians than Jews, so he would be able to lead more of God's flock to salvation, since they both believe in the same guy. The dying kid is moved by the priest's speech, and explains that he will be dead in a few months anyway, and tells everyone aboard that he will stay on the crashing plane. "Muy Bueno!" exclaims the Mexican, and he grabs one of the packages hanging next to the door and bails out. The rabbi says: "Young man, that was very noble of you. You will be greeted by Yahweh with open arms." The Preist said: "Yeah, what the kike said. The lord will love you for your sacrifice!" Then the schoolboy said: "Hey, it's not a problem! Let's suit up! The Mexican grabbed my backpack!"
A man is walking on the beach and he sees an armless, legless, homeless woman crying. He approaches her and asks what's wrong. "In my whole life, I've never been kissed," she utters between sobs. So, the man bends down, kisses her on the lips, and begins to walk away. Now, the woman starts crying twice as hard, so he goes back and asks what's wrong. "In my whole life, I've never been fucked," she says. So he picks her up and tosses her into the water, screaming, "Well, you're fucked now!" A man is drinking in a bar and he pukes on his shirt after drinking too much. As this happens, the bartender comes over to see if the man is alright. "Yeah, I'm fine, but my wife is gonna kill me when she sees that I puked on my shirt," he says through seriously slurred words. The bartender leans in and says, "Listen, buddy, here's what you do. Slip a $10 bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home, tell her that someone else puked on your shirt and gave you $10 to have it cleaned." Satisfied with the plan, the man left the bar and took a cab home. Upon entering his house, his wife approached him asking what had happened to his shirt. He relayed the story of how another man puked on his shirt and gave him $10 to have it cleaned. "But you have a $20 bill in your pocket," she said. "Oh," the man said, "I forgot to tell you, he also shit in my pants."
Two guys are driving thru a long stretch of deserted road when their car breaks down. Neither of their cell phones have reception, so they decide to get out and walk down the road to see if they can find help. After a few hours of walking in the hot sun, they spot what appears to be a phone booth off in the distance. They start to run towards it but in their excitement fail to notice a rattlesnake curled up on the side of the road. As they pass the snake it strikes, biting the closest fellow right on the head of his dick. They continue running to get away from the snake, but the bitten man soon collapses in shear agony as the venom courses thru his cock which is now beginning to swell. The other man, seeing that his friend is unable to continue due to the snake bite, comes up with a plan. “I’ll run down to the phone booth, call for help, and come right back”. And off he goes. Upon reaching the phone booth, he calls 911 and explains that his friend has been bitten by a rattlesnake. The operator puts him thru to a snake bite specialist, who tells him: “Listen, there’s no time to waste. You have to get back to your friend, put your mouth around the bite, and suck until you get the venom out”. Without another word, the man drops the phone and takes off at a dead run back to his friend. He arrives, panting heavily from the run. As he’s catching his breath, the bitten man asks: “What did they say?”. His friend breathlessly replies: “Doctor said you’re gonna die.”
A black baby is given a piar of wings by god, he asks God does this mean I'm an angel? God laughs and replies no. Of course not you silly black c*** You're a bat now fuck off.
A guy (guy X) walks into a bar and there is no one there other than the bartender and another guy (guy Y) at the end of the bar. X looks at the bartender and orders a drink that Y has never heard of before. the bartender goes to town mixing small portions of about 10 different unmarked bottles into one cup and serves X the drink. X drinks half of it and says "watch this." X jumps out the window and starts flying around all over the place. Y is amazed, runs over to the bar, drinks the other half of the drink, jumps out the window, and falls into a rotting dumpster. X flies back into the bar laughing his ass off and the bartender looks at him and says "Superman you are the biggest fucking asshole when you drink." --------------------- Three generals from the Army, Navy, and Marines are meeting with a large group of senators to help determine a raise of severance pay for members of the military. After hours of debating one pissed of young senator yells, "Let's just measure one part of their god damned bodies to the other and base the pay off of that!" Fed up with debating more everyone agrees and the three generals line up. The army general measures from the top of his head to his feet and gets a nice raise for his men. The navy general gets up, raises his right hand in the air and measures from the top of his hand to his feet and gets a better raise for his men. The marine general comes up with a big shit eating grin on his face and asks, "Measure from the tip of my penis down to my testicles please." Everyone is pissed off now because the Marine general is just trying to show off and will end up screwing over the men serving under him. Still they tell him to drop his pants and get the measure recorded. After staring for a few seconds someone asks, "Where are your testicles?" The marine general's grin widens and he says, "Back in Vietnam. Start measuring."
A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big". Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!
Why are there no Aboriginals on the Starship Enterprise ? Because they don't work in the future either.
One day a man named Jake feels sick so he goes to the hospital.He talks to the lady behind the counter, tells her she feels sick and that he needs to see a doctor. He gets a room and waits. And Waits. And Waits. And Waits. Intill finally the doctor burts into the room "Jake, I hate to inform you that you must stop masturbating" Jake is seriously alarmed."But why doc!?" "Because I have to check your temperature now you SICk FUCK!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying on your front porch? Matt. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in your pool? Bob. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russell.
The voice recorder shows that when they started flying into a storm, the Polish president informed the pilot to "Bust a 360 and hit the gas".
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'. "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
There is a white husband in the delivery room and the midwife comes out and hands him a black baby then asks him, Is this yours? "Probably, he replies. She fucking burns everything else.