I was all-around an asshole little kid: When I was three, I ran away from my mother in a crowded department store at Christmas time, left the store and wandered around the city for about an hour before the police found me. When I was four, my cousin stole my Cabbage Patch Kid and tried to climb a rock wall to put it out of my reach, so I bit her on the ass and she fell. This is the same cousin who, a few years later, went along with locking our siblings (my sister and her brother) in a linen closet and convinced them the Ghastly Grinner (a comic book villain who escapes from his comic book and turns people into uncontrollably laughing zombies) was outside waiting to make them foam at the mouth with blue ooze. We both put dish washing liquid in our mouths and laughed uncontrollably. We also used to scare the crap out of them by jumping out from behind stuff dressed in a creepy white dress. It had something to do with bloody Mary. I have pictures of both my little brothers wearing dresses and make-up. The baby is posing like a fashion model. When I was eight, my sister and I tied our little cousin to a chair and repeatedly threw water in her face because she was a tattletale.
When I was in the 8th grade, I wrote a small manual about how to be a delinquent student. I wrote it just for the pure hell of it, and I had no malicious intent. I didn't think anyone would listen to anything I wrote, and I passed it around among my friends for a laugh. It had chapters, starting with "How to terrorize the math room." (I was really bored in my algebra class, and the teacher really sucked; I wrote the treatise while in that class, so it would look like I was taking notes) Other chapters included: "How to avoid busy-work," and "What to do if you get caught." I wrote about seven chapters. Well, one of my friends got caught reading it, and it was confiscated. The teachers in my academic group had a meeting about it, and matched the handwriting to my assignments. They wanted to have a parent/teacher conference, but I made it difficult for them: At the beginning of the school year, I wrote in a bunch of phony contact information, in anticipation of an event just such as this. I dodged that conference for 3 weeks, but I had to stay in ISS (In School Suspension; aka detention) for the whole time. It was no big deal for me; I would just read books, draw, and run errands for the ISS teacher (Who was also the track coach). During that whole time, I thought that everyone was making a huge deal about nothing. I even re-wrote the whole treatise word-for-word while I was in ISS, and hand-delivered it to the head principal's office to show him how much the teachers were over-reacting. That did no good. Eventually, they said that they were going to hold me back a year if the parent conference didn't go through, so I gave them my dad's phone number. He took time out of work over complete bullshit, and the teachers told him that the paper I created was the work of a criminal mind. Two of those teachers were hard-core Christians, one of them was an all-around cunt who didn't like me because she had my brother a few years before (he was a holy terror), and the other was the shitty math teacher (who was later convicted of fucking one of his under-aged students). I didn't have to repeat the 8th grade, and I regret nothing.
How much time have you spent in jail again? Cause no matter what else those teachers may have been, they were also either astute judges of character or fucking psychic.
When my little sister and I were very young, I was 9 she was 8, our mother found an amazing deal for rent on a great house. It was huge, and had all kinds of space in it. Hell it even had a green house. But most importantly it had a service shed with all sorts of garden tools in it. Including a scythe. As those of you with siblings know, there was just no way not to do something horrible to my sister with it. One night after she had passed out I creeped into her room with that scythe, a large folded flat box that I had colored black with a white circle in the middle, and wrapped in a black sheet. After I set the box on the wall to look like a tunnel into the light, I woke her up by prodding her with the handle of the scythe. Well she woke up to a dimly lit room, and someone dressed in a black "robe," holding a scythe, and pointing at a tunnel to the after life. She might have screamed just a little bit. After my mother rushed in, I got the beating of a life time. It was probably made worse by the fact that I was cackling like a hyena the entire time.
My older brother by 6 years used to chase me around with circular saws shouting "Let's play frisbee!" when I was 9 or 10. His weakness was that he was a HEAVY sleeper. So I got rope from the basement and tied him to his bed. He woke up with one of my moms very expensive carving knives to his throat ending frisbee season. We started playing Magic the Gathering all the time after that, I think I got some of his respect. Other smaller pranks ensued like printing out pictures of fat people and putting them on each others faces when you were waking. LOTS of fake bugs since my house had quite a few real ones running around so there was never any convincing yourself "Oh its just a fake one and he's messing with me."
When I was 9, I was working on some 4th grade shit, because that's what I did at the time. One of the girls at my table went to the bathroom, then came back somewhat flustered and started whispering to her best friend to come out and talk to her. Apparently I was the only one who understood what was happening, or (more likely), I was just an asshole, because as soon as she sat back down, I had a question. "Did you just get your period?" She turned red and didn't say anything. "Well, you probably shouldn't have sex then." Thinking about it now, I was telling a 9 year old girl that she shouldn't get molested and impregnated, which is about as terrible a thing as a kid can do. When I was younger, though (and also now), I thought quickly and filtered poorly, which is why situations like this happened. Uh, multiple times.