Nature...even the cutest things will try to kill you.

I hate birds, especially large birds. They creep me out and when they attack, I start kicking. Turkeys are the worst, they already appear to be abortions gone awry.

 

Chickens are shitheads. I used to live on a small farm with my aunt and uncle and cousins when I was around 9. They had a chicken coop. It was my job to wrest the eggs away from them. There was a rooster about the size of a goddamned turkey that aside from being massive, was ill-tempered and territorial.

I went out to the coop one morning to grab some eggs when I flung open the door. What greeted me was a bellowing rooster that had apparently calculated the exact moment I opened the door and had bullrushed it. I screamed in terror and was able to slam the door, but not before that bastard jumped on me, shit all over my pants, and scratched my legs with his spurs. I think of him whenever I eat a McNugget.

 

I'm going to second the words spoken about Magpies, nasty pieces of shit. I've had chunks of flesh taken from the back of my neck as I'm on my pushbike by these nasty fucking cum sponge assholes. You can shoot 5 of them next to your house and the next day a new family has moved into their territory to terrorise dogs and children alike.

 

When I was about 7 year old we had gone to visit a family friend.
She was a retired widow who lived in the suburbs but kept a fully grown sheep that roamed around her yards eating the grass so that she didn't need to mow it.
We enter her yard and I approach the sheep to give it a pat.
The fucking thing took a look at me, ran a couple of meters and headbutted me right in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me.
It took me a short time to recover and I spend the rest of the afternoon chasing that sheep bastard around thowing anything I could get my hands on at it.

 

I once got attacked by a goat.

I used to visit my grandparents every winter for Christmas. They had a bunch of land, a big barn and all sorts of animals. They had a big barn surrounded by a large fenced off area. The cats used to stay in the loft in the barn and had recently had a bunch of kittens. But, in the fenced off area were chickens, goats, and who knows what else. Well I wanted to go and see the cute kitties (fuck you, try and tell me kettens aren't cute) so I opened up the fence and headed towards the barn. Well next thing you know I'm laying on my ass and a big ram is standing over me looking at me all triumphant and shit, blowing smoke out of his nostrils and everything. Goats have hard fucking heads and this one straight up rushed me. Well I stood up and ran over the fence as fast as I possibly could. Fucker. I may have thrown a few snowballs at that asshole.

I went to the barn a few times after that but never without a keen eye on that fucking goat. I hate them fuckers. He looked like this.

 

Most birds are nasty fuckers. A few years ago when I worked from home, it was about 5:30 pm and I was making my way from my office to the kitchen. I was looking out the family room windows to the yard and noticed some ripples on the pool water. Given the time of day, I knew the filter should be off and looked over at the spa and sure enough, there wasn't any water spilling from the spa into the pool as it would when the filter is on, so I went outside to investigate. Right in front of one of the skimmers is a baby bluejay trying desperately to not die. So, I went and got the pole with the mesh skimmer attachment to scoop the poor thing up and out of the water. I didn't know that momma and poppa bluejay were on a perch watching, and they swooped in with passing attacks, pecking at my head--the avian equivalent of a drive-by. I got the baby out of the pool, but the parents persisted in their attacks as I was pushing the little one out of the mesh and onto the spa coping. His wings were too wet for him to fly, so I just left him there. Damn if those pecking strikes didn't hurt like a bitch, though.

What's the old saying about good deeds?

 

Reverse Focus: When humans do horrible things to furry little woodland creatures.

I told this story on the old board, but it's been a few years so I guess I can trot it out again.

This was told to me many years ago by my best friends step father who was not prone to making up wild tales, especially ones involving very prominent people in my hometown, so I have to assume it's true.

We were up on a hunting trip and one night we were sitting around the campfire drinking whiskey and bullshitting. We'd been at the drinking for several hours and my buddy's step father became quiet as if he had something he had to get off his chest. He did.

He swore he'd kill us if we ever breathed a word of the story he was about to relate.

In the late 50's he and this dude were deer hunting and had separated. He heard a single gunshot and listened for the signal (3 quick bursts) from his friend that he'd shot something. He heard one more shot and then nothing.

His curiosity piqued, he started in the direction of the gun fire. He came to a clearing and spied his friend with his pants around his ankles getting the dying quivers from the small doe.

About this point in the story my buddy and I both yelled "Bullshit!" His step father very firmly and seriously said it was true and patted his gun to remind us that we better not mention this to anyone.

I can only imagine the awkward silences whenever those two crossed paths over the years in our small town. I know the temptation whould've been far to great for me to say "How's it going there deer fucker?"

 

Fuck you guys. Sheep, chickens, turkeys. What the fuck is wrong with you? We all eat that shit, it should know its place (at least it does when I'm around, hell, cat's aren't safe). My girlfriend's cat refuses to come inside the house when I'm around. He's an inside cat, yet he refuses to be in my presence. Now that's power. My parents raise dairy cattle, and yet I know some %80 of their calves will become dog food...
Fuck you, you hold power over your fucking goldfish? Domesticated my arse; you guys are PETA's wet bitches...

This is an Australian magpie, chasing a wegde-tailed eagle:

Spoiler

What's that? A tiny bird next to a normal sized bird? No, our eagles have a wingspan of up to 2.27 m (7 ft 5 in) and a length up to 1.06 m (3 ft 6 in).
This is the freaking bird I'm talking about. I've seen them with my own eyes chasing eagles out of their territory. Lets take another look at this bird chasing GIANT FREAKIN' EAGLES out of it's territory:

Spoiler

Yep, that's it. That's the fear these pieces of shit have. AKA NO FUCKING FEAR AT ALL. They have no idea what a fucking human is. But they attack them. They have an idea what a fucking eagle is, and yet they attack them. You see how we're down on the list? And they do attack humans, despite what our tourist trade will have you believe. The attacks just dont go reported. They like to go for the face: especially the eyes.
I've researched it, these are highly intelligent creatures. They belong to a family of meat-eating birds, and have a sophisticated call system, the likes of which haven't been properly researched.

 

I'm not a farm boy, but that ain't no goat. Perhaps therein lies your problem.

 

Llama spit is quite posibly the single most disgusting substance on the planet. I would rather get hit the face with a ripe placenta.

 

Camel spit > Llama spit. If a camel spits on you and it gets on your clothes, burn the garment because you will NEVER get that smell out. I think both animals are equally bad-tempered though.

 

I've been charged by a muskrat on two different occasions. You wouldn't think so, but those little fuckers are fast. Both times I kicked it in the end of the nose with my steel toed boot.

 

Front page of Wired today, The Milwaukee Protocol. That would be a great name for a band.

Girl in California gets bit by a cat and weeks later her grandmother thinks she has the flu. Whoops, its rabies. Cue The Milwaukee Protocol.

There is no known cure for rabies, only antibiotics help if you get the shots immediately after the bite. So they put this girl into a medically induced coma and let the virus run its course. 5 people out of 41 have now survived using The Milwaukee Protocol. They are the only known unvaccinated survivors.