Oh, looks good on you, though!

People who are obsessed with foreign countries/cultures. If you pronounce foreign words with an accent when they fall in the middle of an English sentence, you are a douchebag, especially when it's a word commonly used by English speakers, like enchilada. I don't need you to show off how multi-cultural you are by correcting my pronunciation of tostada. The wait fucking understood what I wanted.

I also don't get beer snobs. I like plenty of gourmet beers, but I don't feel the need to chastise a complete stranger for ordering a Budweiser. Oh, and same thing with pronunciations of beers. If you pronounce the beer you're ordering with a German accent, you're a douchebag, and just making it harder for a busy bar tender to understand you. I worked at a beer festival a few months ago, and several people would day "danke" when I served them. I was working at a tent for a beer from freaking Kansas City.

Alt-Focus: I learned last week on Rob and Corman's podcast that I care way too much about law for a non-practicing JD.

 

This is kind of related to the school pride thing, but people who are obsessed with college football, and college sports in general. I don't see how anybody finds any college sport entertaining. Yes, I realize that college athletes are still more athletic than I am, but that doesn't mean that they are fun to watch. As far as I'm concerned college sports are just glorified high school sports. And when I was in school I loved how everybody always said "we won" or "we sucked." No, morons, "we" did not do anything, shut the fuck up.

When I was in college I also had to listen to people who only eat locally grown food. If that's your thing, then great, but don't jam it down everybody's throat.

 

AA Cult Members
Oh how I hate you people. I am not talking about people who go to AA meetings and REMAIN FUCKING ANONYMOUS, I am talking about the ones who know me and say "How many meetings did you go to this week? What step are you on? How many days do you have?" You know what, fuck you. I find it easier not to drink by avoiding AA like the plague. And if you happen to be the same place as me and we are at a bar, don't come up and "explain" to people when I order a water, "She is on the wagon!" Thanks a lot jackhole. Good for you if it works for you, but it didn't for me and I don't want to talk about how great being sober is or how wonderful your life is because you manned up and started being more responsible.


Big Weddings
I am sick and tired of my friends saying "What do you mean you're not having a wedding? When is the date? Why haven't you set one?" Why should I? I am certainly not going to ask my parents to shell out thousands for a huge production just so everyone else can get drunk. I can go to the local courthouse or Vegas and be just as married as anyone else. Furthermore, I am not in any hurry whatsoever to do so. I know someone who is $25K in debt from a wedding! To me, that is ridiculous. That is a down payment on a house, a new garage, a new car...or for some people shit that their kid needs. Don't bitch at me about not wanting to pay for diapers because they are "so expensive" when you blew six grand on a dress you now have listed on Craigslist.


Reality TV
I know everyone hates it, but I am addicted. I fully admit I am up to date on what is going on with the Jersey Housewives and Snooki. It annoys everyone I know, but if I miss Top Chef I am going to be in a pissy mood.

 

Sigh, this is embarrassing, even if I just "know some people."

My suitemate for the first two years of college started at Quidditch team at my school Freshman year. Yes, as in the sport from Harry Potter. If you haven't been lucky enough to see a match, it translates to some kind of capture the flag-dodgeball-basketball hybrid.

By Sophomore year, practically all of my friends from school had joined and became obsessed with it. For most of the year, I was ditched all the time because of Quidditch practice or a Quidditch game or because of Quidditch-only parties. People went to the emergency room over this during the games. It was all everyone talked about. They discussed strategies and plays and on and on and on. It was crazy.

The girl who started it is now going to grad school at the same place, mostly so she can still play Quidditch.

The thing is, though, it's not like they were dweebs. They were pretty cool people, and a lot of them were athletic through normal means like biking, climbing, surfing, skating etc. Only the girl who started it was really obsessed with Harry Potter (she also has a Potter Rock band, or whatever that "genre" is called). I really didn't get it. I went to a couple of games, and it looked fun enough but still. I guess it probably steamed from the same place where everyone who really loves a sport does, but come on now. This is Quidditch.

 

I'm going to make a ruling. Any sport that sends people to the ER is legitimate, no matter how questionable its origins. For that reason I've spent my four years at college petitioning the AD to make Calvinball a D1 sport.

 

A couple of months ago there was an article in the NY Daily News about Quidditch teams at colleges. They even had pictures. The people playing actually had brooms, they were running around with fucking brooms between their legs.

Link

Edit: And pretty much everyone of those pictures would make a good caption contest.

 

I have a good friend who means well, but every time I open a can of Diet Coke, he lets out little condescending "hmm." Aspartame is a no no. Chicken sub at Subway? "Do you know how much msg is in there?" And if I hear monosodium glutamate, whatever the fuck that is, one more time, I'm going to scream.

However, because of his incessant hippie lectures, I have actually started to eat more organic food, so there you go.

 

As I have freely admitted before, I play Magic the Gathering. I enjoy it. It's a great way for my friends and I to hang out and enjoy each others company without having to face a hang over the next morning. And also I find it mentally stimulating. That being said, the little nerd boys who loose their shit about how great they are at Magic blow my mind.

No guy, you are not a bad ass because you dropped 2 FUCKING GRAND on a sixty card deck. That is a solid month of drinking! That is a legitimately hot hooker doing things that would make your mother disown you! How in the hell are you going to make fun of me because I can not see fit to spend more than 30-40 bucks a month on a game. I have to pay hundreds of dollars a month to the most soul sucking whore to ever walk the planet in child support. (Evidence that I have at least touched a woman.) Then of course there is the drinking I need to accomplish. Oh, and I have children who seem to think that they should be allowed to eat when Dad has them. All in all I have bills to pay, and I got mouths to feed. You however are 36, live in your parents basement, and are perfectly content work at Subway for the rest of your life. Plus you're wearing a fucking half sleeve. You are damn sure not allowed to talk shit.



On a similar note, people that LARP. I get that fantasy, and escapism, are very enjoyable from time to time. However, find a new topic of conversation. I don't care that you pretend killed the pretend king of some pretend kingdom in a pretend battle of epic proportions that will be sang about for years by pretend bards. No one thinks you're cool because you can beat down other foam wielding asthmatics. Drink a beer, find some friends who have at least a slim grip on reality, and find something else to talk about.



Oh, and to any and all vegetarians. You have chosen to ignore the fact you evolved as an omnivore. That is great, grand, and wonderful more dead cow for me. However the next one of you bastards to try to educate me on the evils of steak becomes one!

 

So here are mine.

Again, let me preface this by saying that I'm not talking about anyone who fits in these categories, but a special subset of these people that take things way too fucking seriously.

"Security" Professionals: I like people who keep me secure. I really do. Security is one of my basic needs, or so says Maslow. However, a small subset of security professionals (be it in regular security, IT security, whatever) have a set of attitudes that give the entire bunch a bad name.

The first attitude is the "whatever is not explicitly permitted should be forbidden" attitude. These people are explicitly unable to distinguish between "risk management" and "risk elimination," so they deny, deny, deny and make it impossible to do anything new.

The second attitude, which is even more annoying, is the "if you only knew what I knew" attitude. These people are privy to insider knowledge that the rest of us "sheeple" wander through life without, under constant threat from nefarious sources. They say shit like "oh man, if you knew what I knew you'd never drive a Honda." When pressed for actual reasoning beyond that, it's always something like "well I can't divulge the details, but let's just say there's a guy in Yokohama that could theoretically be tracking everywhere you go." It's doubly bad if you get a whole group of them together, because then they reinforce each others' delusions. "Oh yeah man, you drive a Honda? Shit, I'd sell that shit tomorrow, yo."

There is a special subset of security professionals about whom I'm especially skeptical, which are:

Hackers: White hat, black hat, whatever. I have a hard time seeing hackers - even the "white hat" ones as anything more than necessary evils. They spend their lives and their energy trying to break things that other, well-intentioned people created. Yes, sometimes they will tell you how to make it so other people can't break your shit in the same way. If you are really finding vulnerabilities because you enjoy reporting them, awesome. But I don't think I've ever met a hacker that worked like that. Most of them seem to do it for the rush they get knowing they can have some sort of illicit "power" over other people's stuff.

This connects to one of my other pet peeve groups.

I was looking through pictures from this year's hacker conferences, and came across this one. Caption: "For some reason, hackers seem to love guns, and the (shooting) simulator was a popular attraction at the convention."

"For some reason?" Really? Could it be because they are anti-authoritarian and trying to make up for their insecurities by amplifying their own power through technology? Maybe?

Gun People and Martial Artists: I have an inherent skepticism about people who actively seek out both these disciplines. I say "actively seek out" because some people get training in firearms or martial arts as a means to an end, not an end in themselves. Hunters, soldiers, police officers, people in dangerous jobs - I get why these people need these skills.

But for people that go do these things just because they enjoy them, I just cannot personally resolve how you can train to do something for an extensive period of time with the full and complete expectation that you will never use that skill in practice. I cannot understand how these folks do not have a little tiny voice deep inside their head whispering "Maybe today is the day. Maybe today is the day that I can finally be the goddamn Batman." I know I would get this. And then I wonder how many of those people can fully suppress it, and not - consciously or unconsciously - go looking for opportunities to use their training.

I know, empirically, that this doesn't describe everybody who knows how to shoot a gun or practices martial arts for enjoyment. I know a guy who is never in danger and has been doing Karate pretty seriously for a long time, and I have never once seen him make the slightest move to put himself in a situation where he might have the chance to use it. However, I also know the guy who was also serious into various martial arts and would get jobs as a security guard or a "loss prevention" guy, clearly looking for that opportunity to put a potential perp in an arm-bar for trying to jack $30 in Jay-Z CDs.

On the same note, I had a relative (passed away now of unrelated causes) who had a somewhat dangerous job, and got a concealed carry permit after a legitimate incident. When did he come close to using it? He never had another real incident, but he did scare off quite a few homeless guys in the city trying to "wash his windows" by flashing his piece. He also nearly caused quite a lot of trouble when a night clerk at a one-star motel in Podunk accidentally booked another guest into his room and they opened the door. Luckily prudence won the day there, but only by a hair's breadth.

 

I'm just going to point out here, that my friends who LARP have been to ER multiple times. They 'fight' with blunt steel weapons, so even slowed down and with a ton of rules and padding - people sometimes get hurt. But they also shout 'lightning bolt' and throw a yellow hackey sack at people. There's no way it's a legitimate sport.

Hackers are a subset of a broader group known as 'Computer Dorks' - and computer dorks in general love guns. I draw your attention to 80% of all computer games sold since the release of Doom. Strangely enough - most computer dorks I know aren't actually terribly interested in real guns. I'd argue that this is a cultural phenomenon like Farmville. Nobody plays farmville because it's a good game - they play it because everybody else is playing it. It's become a black hole of attention that sucks attention in - just by being there. Shooter games probably aren't the best or most interesting gaming model - but they've become so entrenched in the cultural consciousness that they dominate the market and market attention simply because they have so much history behind them.

 

And that, my friend, would undermine the entire spirit of Calvinball forever. All those rules and regulations and what have you in regards to getting it recognized as a legitimate sport would simply crush the game itself until it was nothing more than a lowly game of baseball.

Could you live in a world like that? I couldn't.

FOCUS: Full-Time Drug Users
These cock-toboggans like to yabber on and on about how many drugs they've done, how often, how many cool things they've done while fucked up, and the stellar shit they've seen while flying high.

You know who cares less about your trips that you do? Everybody.

You want to get fucked up? Fine, go right ahead. You want to earn bragging right by getting fucked up? I hope you fall in a river and sink to the bottom with the rest of the turds. What you do on your own time is yours alone. Just don't waddle into my vicinity and start up a conversation that begins with, "Whoa dude, I'm still seeing spots from last night because I ate so many mushrooms." Seriously? That's what passes for conversation these days? And people wonder why I don't talk much anymore.

The shitty part is that drug use isn't so bad. A lot of folks know how to handle themselves and use because they enjoy it, but know when to say when. The best folks know that they should keep that shit on the down low and only talk about it when the time is right. No bragging, no boasting, no bullshit about how many hits of acid you took to get a fucking lighting bolt. Just legitimate conversation on drug use and information regarding usage. Problem is that some dipshits just want to fit in and figure that being a Hunter S. Thompson wannabe is the way to go.

 

As someone who practiced and may begin practicing traditional martial arts again I can say the majority of the people I know (myself included) practice for shits and giggles and physical activity in a social setting. It's not quite like practicing soccer or tennis because there's usually not as much competition, but the idea is the same. And just like any sport you're not looking for real world application, just something physical you do to have fun. Then there's sport MMA and BJJ which is exactly like soccer or tennis, a fun sport to play that you pretty much have no intention of using in real life... well usually you have no intentions of using it, there are a lot of affliction shirt wearing douche bags that "will totally tap you out if you keep looking at me like that bro."

There is also the small subculture of traditional martial artists the got picked on way too much in high school that want to be able to say "man, I wish those guys would try that today, I would totally kick their asses." They're the guys I think you are describing that envision seeing a younger version of themselves getting picked on and swooping in to save the day. Luckily most of these guys deep down know they'd still get their asses kicked because going to the dojo once or twice a week isn't going to compensate for a mostly sedentary lifestyle and not being athletically inclined.

I know I'm not going to win any cool points by defending LARPing here, but not every LARP is the same. Dagorhir for instance has no magic chanting, just weapons and you can swing full speed. You can also tackle, football charge, shield bash and grapple. Watching one LARP that allows magic where everyone hits softly, which is probably all you're likely to see online, and calling all LARPs gay is like watching one rugby match with extremely limited contact rules (not sure if this even exists) and calling all rugby players pussies.

 

Deep Sea Fishing: I get it if you own your own boat. I understand if you want to go out for a nice day on the water and catch some fish. What I DO NOT understand is my buddies who go for 10 days at a time.

Seriously, 10 days on a boat with nothing to do but hold a pole off the edge. No good looking women (usually no women at all). These aren't yachts mind you; you're sleeping on a bunk mere inches from some other dude's farting ass. And on top of all that fun you get to pay SEVERAL thousand dollars to do it.

Though I shouldn't complain too much, these guys are the reason my freezer is full of yellowfin, yellowtail, mahi & sea bass right now.

 

-the fuck?

There are more people watching this than a Marlins home game.

 

Gun nuts.

I like guns. I like shooting guns. I like shooting targets and thinking about what I'm doing to make myself a better shot. But holy shit, I don't talk all damn day about the three hundred guns that I've shot and their different handling characteristics. It's like a previous poster mentioned with cars. Guns (and cars) are awesome. But seriously, there's only so many times that you can say "minute of arc" in one conversation before I get pissed off and ready to kill someone.

There's a guy I know who talks ALL DAMN DAY about his rifles, his pistols, the exact amounts of powder that he puts into his reloaded brass along with the exact weight of the bullets, and shit, it gets annoying. He's a weirdo to begin with, so maybe it's just that he's so autistic about it and never knows when to stop. But sorry gun nuts, he just ruined it for all of you. Because whenever someone else starts in about reloading, I think of that douchebag talking about his "two-inch groups at five hundred yards with XYZBBQ bullets loaded with X grams of Red Dot powder."

 

People with actual jobs

Don't get me wrong... I'm actually looking for a job right now. But I've spent the last four years doing a really consistent, really well paying part time job so I could pursue being an artist and while it's been really hard without the health insurance thing and every other secure part of the existence, I've been pretty proud lately having been able to make my living just by selling things that I think are beautiful.

It's hard not fucking around without a boss to tell you what to do at 11AM. But I did it, and I think I'm better off for it. I've learned the basics of what it's like to run a small business and I think I'm better off for it. Plus, I can make Sarah Palin jokes whenever I want.

 

UFC fans: 10 years ago I put on a gi for the first time and got addicted to BJJ (unfortunately I have an injury that prohibits any further participation).

10 years ago, putting on a karate uniform and wrapping your legs around another man made you a faggot in the eyes of most guys. These days no-nothing motherfuckers want to share their in-depth (acquired from the interweb) MMA knowledge at every avenue. Fuck off with your tapout shirt, you're still ignorant and I hate all of you.

"Foodies": I fucking hate people who consider, as one of their hobbies, the act of sitting in a fucking seat and stuffing their fucking face with some fucking food. Arrogant chefs, smug diners, boring TV shows and tedious conversations about motherfucking tapas. Don't get me wrong, I do like food but its only food. And stop taking photos of your plate in a restaurant and making a peace sign you stupid fucking Asian.

 

Patriotic Renovators

This is the thing up here in Canada, but it's more common that you'd think and I can't stand it. I first experienced it at all places when I worked at fucking Home Depot (good riddance), where idiots constantly would ask "Is it made in Canada?" "I'm not using it it Americans made it." "Canadian or nothing!"

Idiots, you're in HOME DEPOT, a company based out of Atlanta, Georgia. Seriously, fuck you all. If something works it doesn't matter where it's from so shut up, buy your stupid DIY item and go fail miserably at using it.

 

Jerkoffs who bitch about someone else's passion- Listen, I'm sorry you don't enjoy anything iin life, but some people are passionate about their hobbies.

Not to say there isn't a line to be drawn being preachy, but If they aren't affecting you in the slightest, who gives a shit? Does a fisherman or cook affect your life in any possible way?

Who gives a shit? It's sad to hear you have nothing to enjoy in life but to bitch about someone else's passion. I guess you're just too cool to enjoy things.