Oh Say Can You Seeeee! Weeklong 4th of July Drunk Thread '12

I realize I'm pretty tone-deaf when it comes to movies and the like, but even I find it pretty sad that I didn't realize that Uncle Fester is played by Christopher Lloyd until TWO HOURS AGO when I watched it with the baby. Jesus fucking Christ.

 

I bet you think strippers like you too.
"Dude, that Hooters waitress is TOTALLY into me. Oh yeah."

 

I'm sorry. I know it's wrong, but I'm always going to giggle when I'm talking to an Asian man who's complaining that his condoms keep falling off.

 

He just fell for the female equivalent of:

"Yeah, it's too bad I've never cum from just a blowjob...."

Let the games begin!

 

You could tell him to go to Walgreens for some finger cots...

 

After getting a rep commenting on how my kid watches a lot of movies, I thought I'd clarify. This is true in the last couple of days, but only due to the massive heat wave in the state. It's been 108 degrees here for three(going on four) days in a row. I'm usually outside with her at a park/gymboree/downtown area.

I realize this is a boring post, so boobies:

 

Where I work, we have the following:



Nobody asks for the larger size, but the odd smartass always asks if smaller sizes exist. So I show them the finger cots.

 

Thanks, practice makes perfect.

Some of you are bitter internet folk that think they are funny? That and if you give the stippers enough money, they talk and move like those silver robot guys on the street. They say nice things like "You're too hot to be in here" and "I bet you tell funny jokes."

Also, I got the 15th rep today saying

I PM'd this person, a TiBette for the record, waiting for a response for what an middle-class educated black person with a masters degree sounds like. I guess I'm supposed to talk like "Sup y'all? Wuz gud? I finna be makin' dat bread t'day. Yeah son, yeah son, where dem bitchez at? Word? Chutch tabanackle. ONE!"

 

Don't worry Parker, I'm not one of these latecomers: I ALWAYS thought you were black. You'd also be really annoying if you talked like that. In this study that I just made up, Chicago Bulls fans are generally more educated than the rest of the population at large, so that would explain the masters degree.

 

You're not black. You can't even make yourself talk black.

Come on, toss out a "Whassup, homey?", "Where are all the white wimmins at?", or "bitches an' hoes, yo!"

See? Can't do it, can you?

 

So let me get this straight....

You took offense to that pm in response to a post where you used the phrase: "then she went black..."

So the big dick/Mandingo stereotypes are OK, but the fried chicken/yoyoyo ones are not? You get to pick and choose?

I didnt know you were Catholic...

 

I think up next on Parker's bragging tour, he's going to make an off hand comment about his car.

 

Parker posts typically fall into one of two categories;

1) Some really obvious/trivial observation.
2) Bragging about various aspects of his life. 90% of the time, it's about his amazing sexual prowess.

 

Parker, I don't mean to get all meta and cross-thready, but I think you didn't pick up on my sarcasm because you don't think women can be funny.

Either that, or it's a black dude thing.

 

My girlfriend and I went to a museum the other day.

We're like, cute and shit. Also it is my birthday.
Spoiler because the picture is fucking enormous.

Spoiler

 

*Pulls out race card and Jesse Jackson mask* YES! 200+ years of slavery, and another 150 years of systematic top down oppression in all facets of life up to and including professional sports says yes (*any black team majority owners? No). We can pick and choose stereotypes. Plus the fried chicken stereotype is fucking retarded anyway. As Aziz Ansari says, who doesn't love fried chicken? That shit is delicious! I went to Gus' World Famous Friend Chicken in Memphis, TN, there was a 40 minute wait to sitdown at Picnic tables and eat off styrofoam plates. Only a third of the people there were black. But I'll be damned if that shit wasn't good enough to punt a newborn.

Also, I'm not "bragging" I didn't knock this shit out the park day 1. This is something I never did before, was given some helpful advice on how to handle, then steadily improved upon until I hit this shit out the park. Bragging is an entirely different thing. I was just stating how I proved someone wrong and exceded their expectations. I humbly liken this to Lance Amstrong overcoming testicular cancer and winning the Tour de France multiple times....

I also don't have a car so nothing to brag about.

 

So your signature is something you want to be some day?

 

Well, if I may interrupt the TiB Great Civil Rights Debate of 2012 for a minute . . .

The last time I was in a dusty attic, looking through boxes and old lamps to sell at the community garage sale, it did NOT occur to me to take all my clothes off.



Carry on.

 

I'll take a shot in the dark Rush and say that the list of people who want you to take your clothes off is a very short list. Her list, however, is extensive.

 

Well BMW does not stand for Bavarian Motor Works. It actually stands for Black Man Working. *Cues 'The More You Know' Star*. Yes I do want a BMW 6 series. But bragging about cars is stupid unless it is a rare car in limited production or you restored/did a lot of stuff yourself. Otherwise you're just bragging about money, and that's a dick move. I rather just brag about my dick.

*starts at 24 seconds*