Oh Say Can You Seeeee! Weeklong 4th of July Drunk Thread '12

Did his assistant dangle their kid off a London hotel like Hans Gruber? Fuck, no. Cuts Like A Knife wouldn't allow that shit to go down.

 

I'm going with the "maybe to strong possibility"

There is no way you roll around in the sand with Helena Christinwatchamacallit and not have a raging boner in every clip. 13 year old GTE spilled more babies onto the living room carpet than any sane person wants to know. Damn kids with your instant porn interwebs these days. We had four minutes to finish the job or end up with our wieners in our hands while some faggy quartet danced around. Yeah, I'm looking at you Color Me Badd.

 

Red Herring.

Party on, people.

 

Whoa, come on guys. Just because somebody wears flashy clothing, hasn't dated, and isn't married, he's gay? Way to play the odds, bigots.

I kid, I kid!

 

Shut up and fuck:

 

Next you'll be saying Tom Criuse and John Travolta are gay.

"Because IIIIIII don't want to fall in love,,,,,, with you (becuase you're a dude)"

 

Um, I'm not the prez of Chris Isaak's fan club or anything, but I'm fairly certain hea been romantically linked to several babes. He's a rock star, not married and without kids. Some would call him "smart and/or lucky" instead of gay.

 

Here's my dollar.

Now, dance!

 

another one for those Aussies and their ministries:

 

I've mentioned around here that I've had Essential Tremors for the last 30 years. It has recently escalated to the point that it's hindering my ability to do my job and the boss is not pleased. That led to anxiety, which resulted in delightful panic attacks (at work only). I have no doctor, so while I searched for one, a kind friend gave me some Valium for the bad days.

Today I had a meet and greet with the lovely Dr. Asher. In under 3 minutes I was rejected as a patient and sent packing. Because I drink alcohol. Because I fucking drink alcohol! I didn't even come close to admitting how much I actually drink. Apparently she has a clause in her license that she can't see alcoholics and drug seekers (I didn't even mention my contraband). Has anyone ever heard of such a thing? If I had waddled in there at 400 lbs., with Cheetoh-stained fingers and Big Mac juice dribbling down my chin and onto my Mu-mu, asking for refill meds for my diabetes, heart disease, depression, fat-busters and a side of fries, I would have been greeted with open arms. Admitting that like to tipple a little vino now and again had me rejected like Paris Hilton at an orgy, during a herp breakout.

I did the stunned Zombie-walk to my car, where I burst into tears. It was eerily similar to the walk of shame (from what I hear...).

Bang! The fuck? Oh, an old lady just smacked my SUV while trying to park next to me. She failed to notice the crash so I got out to inform her. A quick glance told me the damage was minor, so I sent her on her way, which was of course the doctor's office. Meh, one more scar on my Pathfinder just gives it more character. I had some important crying to get back to.

Oh yeah, this is the drunk thread. Nevermind, I'm going drinking.

 

When beats were cool:

 

My kind-of mom has picked out my future husband. She has a job at the greenhouse of the fancy hotel in the mountains in my hometown, and he's, like, the head greenhouse guy. I've Facebook creeped him and agreed that he's cute and my kind of dude, but I didn't think she was as serious as she is about this so I've been joking about how excited I am to get married for a few months. Now, she has been showing him my picture and telling him stories about me and he thinks I'm cute, so she has gone full speed ahead and has planned for us to meet when I next visit home. I keep explaining to her that this cannot actually happen, because I would be an awkward storm. But it seems to be happening.

I need double you tee eff to console me that my arranged marriage will work out as well as his.

 

I was aware of that rating before I saw her, but I was desperate. I spent the rest of the day cold-calling, since the website that is SUPPOSED to tell you who accepts new patients is wildly inaccurate. I do have a line on one and hopefully secure that appt. tomorrow.

I've been repeatedly told to go to the hospital, where I will receive a full work-up and sent directly to specialists, but I just can't bring myself to clog up an already over-crowded system.

 

This has been my day:

Baby sits in chair and is fairly happy.
Baby starts to get tired of sitting in chair and starts to cry
I pick up baby
Baby is okay for about two minutes
Baby looks at me as if I've just punched it in the face, and screams at the top of her lungs
I put the baby down
Baby smiles at me and starts to babble (I'd call it giggling, but she can't quite get that yet), meaning I can't get angry (three months old and she knows how to manipulate me already)
Rinse and Repeat.

All... Fucking... Day.

Throw in some feedings, and that was pretty much it. No naps (she is finally asleep now, hopefully for a while), so she was cranky all day. Fuck this "two kids" thing. I think I'm done at one.

Luckily, tomorrow, I get to drop her off with my mother-in-law at noon, after which I'll have 5 hours to relax before I have to work. My family wants me to join them at their cook-out/pool party. I, personally, find swimming with them intensely annoying as it generally involves being looked down upon for a few hours because I am (for the most part) a stay-at-home dad at the moment. It will be five hours of "What do you mean you can't find a job! I know every school in the area is cutting teachers, but surely you can find that one magical job that 90 people are vying for! Have you tried Social Work Again? Seriously, you need to get a job." I'd much rather come home and take a nice long nap and enjoy some alone time before going to work. I don't think that will be an option, though.

I also can't get drunk before going to work, which sucks.

At least I get paid time-and-a-half.

 

Well, I suppose the 4th of July is a great last day to live. Unfortunately, I am the last to turn 21 in a group of about 8 close friends and my birthday happens to fall on a Thursday, which in the summer, is the night to go out in my city. It's a big thing here. All of the bars open up early and considering the fourth falls right before it, is probably going to be one big shit show. They are purposely headhunting and considering the fact I've only drank to drunken stupidity about twice in the past two months, I consider myself done for.

It was a good run, I suppose.
-Cheers to the month of man.

 

Not to jump back to the Chris Isaak thing, but as awesome as Wicked Games is, this song resonates far more with me.