I don't have a good story here, but my avatar wants you all to know the title of this thread is AWESOME!
For some reason I feel like somebody may of posted this before, i'm not positive though. The last few seconds are my favorite, Joe Rogan is the man!
A few years ago, it came to light that my friends girlfriend had rampantly cheated on him while he was away at uni. He started telling us that she had anal sex with someone she worked with when Chris interrupted him "well at least she not only had sex behind your back, but yours as well" I had to bite my tongue hard enough to make it bleed otherwise I would have broke a rib laughing at my poor friend
The best I've ever come up with was to scream "la la la la la no one gives a shit" whenever my college roommate, who never shut the fuck up for the whole year we lived together, would complain about toilet paper or the thermostat. It sounds stupid and childish, but my other two roommates and I found it hysterical. Focus: Dorothy Parker: “Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.” Calvin Coolidge: "You lose"
Listen, I said I couldn't claim credit for it nor could I remember who said it. I haven't read IHTSBIH since the book was first released, so sue me. I'm also pretty sure that I remember hearing that line years before I had ever even heard of TM.
I would like to think that I have had a few good one liners in my day, but the only one that really stands it is the one I delivered to a former college roommate. When we moved in together he said that he hated having dirty dishes in the sink and that he would always do them even if he wasn't the one to actually use them. I thought this was fucking awesome. Cue the end of the semester when he didn't do jack shit in the dishes department even when he was the one that dirtied them. It became a point of contention in our house to no avail. Then the last week of the semester he was finally doing dishes when we cleaned the entire house. When he was doing them he sloshed water all over the counters. Him: Man, I always get water all over the place. I don't know how to stop it. Me: Well, Chris, there is only one thing to say: practice more.
I'm sitting in the student lobby trying to figure out an exceptionally long contract case when a girl sits next to me and tries to make some small talk. Girl: How are you? Me: Pretty good, a little stressed over this case. Girl: Don't worry, God never gives you more than you can handle. Me: Really? Then how do you explain the suicide rate?
This is a second hand story that I heard from one of my coworkers, so I can't vouch for its truthfulness, but it's still pretty funny. The guy that plays Bill Walsh on Entourage is at a party, and apparently the actor's personality isn't too far off from the character, so he naturally ends up in a fight with someone. Billy ends up getting his ass kicked, and while he's laying on the floor, the victor in the fight stands over him and declares "I am Queens Boulevard!"
I had a friend, Bill, in college who was full of biting, sarcastic comebacks. His roommate, Brandon, had a girlfriend who lived in the city but didn’t attend our school, and he also had a girl from another college in town he used for free sex. The free sex girl somehow found out about the girlfriend and called up one day asking for Brandon (this was before everyone had cell phones). Bill answered the phone and told her Brandon wasn’t there. She told him to give Brandon a message – that she knew about Sasha and she knew that Brandon was just using her for sex, along with a few other choice insults. Bill listened calmly as if he was sympathetic then asked “Okay, now how do you spell Sasha?”
One day at my old job, I was having a conversation about some sort of video game with a co-worker. My old boss fired off the following. "Jesus, Jimmy. You're the biggest nerd I've ever met." I immediately responded, "Says the guy that owns a computer repair shop." I went out for a victory cigarette to peals of laughter.
"My dear, do you have any unexpressed thoughts?" George S. Kaufman Kaufman, commenting on a new play: "I saw it under the worst possible conditions. The curtain was up." Ill. Gov. Rod Blogo-whatever, on The Late Show: "I've wanted to be on your show in the worst way!" Letterman: "Well, you made it in the worst way." Letterman, closing the Jocquin Phoenix "I'm retiring from acting and becoming a rapper" interview: "Well, Jocquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight."