How can one be gay and read the bible whatsoever? It's pretty clear about putting men to death if they lay with another man. That, and slavery is awesome. Sure, Old Testament God was the biggest asshole who ever lived, but New Testament God loves slavery so much he goes into actual details about the ethics of purchasing slaves. No metaphor there. Just good slave buyin'. In other news, in honour of your alternate Thanksgiving I am making a slightly alternate meal of beer can chicken, which is latin for "milk and honey straight from a unicorn's hot load." Without doubt my favourite barbecue meal.
Welcome to the club. Right now, my tonsils are swollen to my uvula. Every time that I swallow anytime/anything, it feels like a wad of 80-grit sandpaper soaked in lemon juice going down. My in-laws cooked up a wonderful Thanksgiving feast (all the classics: Turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, sweet beans with bacon, etc., and some amazing looking homemade pies; I couldn't bear to eat any.), but I just ate the bare minimum because of the pain. I looked so bad that my younger sister-in-law (we've always hated each other) asked if I was okay, because I was wincing and inhaling deeply every time I swallowed. I'm back home now, and alcohol is hardly helping. My tonsils have been kind of sore for the past 5-7 days, and I figured I'd just get over it, but over the past couple of days the pain and swelling has really ramped up to a level I haven't felt since I was a kid. In other news, I saw my ex-wife's annoying rat-dog (chihuahua) get its ass handed to it by a much larger dog. I've wanted to see that happen for SO LONG. That little shit has pissed me off for years, and has literally pissed on ME and my car. What happened was that my brother-in-law's bulldog was in heat, and rat-dog was trying to keep the other dogs away from her; he was pretty good pregnancy repellent, because he could stand/walk on his hind legs and keep larger dogs at bay, but at the same time he was too small to actually make a connection, if you know what I mean (trust me, it was hilarious watching him try to hump dogs 10X his size). Well, the Ice Cream Cake Girl's pitbull/lab mix wasn't going to have any of that, and threw that chihuahua around like a rag doll! That little rat-dog always strutted around like he was cock-of-the-walk anywhere he went, with any dogs present. If anyone had it coming, it was that little Napoleon.
To the sore throat sufferers, gargle with salted warm water and repeat as needed. Another excellent Tanksgiving meal. Turkey was roasted to perfection and juicier than one of Hooker's sexcapades. Now dessert. Double chocolate cake, lemon meringue pie, or pumpkin pie. Decisions, decisions.
Not only did doing this not work I also coughed most of it out onto my bathroom mirror. Fucking gross. The hot toddy isn't helping much either.
God, stop listening to George Lopez do stand-up! How is one supposed to keep water in their mouth if they're laughing hysterically every 10 seconds?
Chompsky, we aren't asking what you like to add to your morning coffee. RAT-DOG UPDATE: RAT-DOG IS DEAD. The Ice Cream Cake Girl called me right as I was writing my last post, saying that she had to take the rat-dog to the vet, and needed my help financially. I told her that I'd help her out, with conditions. By the time she arrived at my house, rat-dog was dead. She literally tried giving it CPR for a few minutes (while crying) before I could calm her into accepting that it was a lost cause. I'm happy that that annoying dog is dead, but I'm not happy that my son and I are going to have to deal with a depressed woman for the next few weeks or more. Anyway, I don't care what y'all say, I love the sound of this woman's voice:
Fixed that for you. Anyway, I don't like coffee either; I just see lots of people drinking it and talking about it, so I assumed you did. Anyway, here's this: NSFW
Now Dixie, I am assuming that since you essentially saw the dog get killed by another dog during a family gathering on Thanksgiving Day that your child saw the dog killed by another dog during a family gathering on Thanksgiving Day. And....you are happy about this?
Good way to learn about life and death, plus it's a fucking rat dog, sure his kid probably thought it was funny.
Happy Thanksgiving TiB, hope everyone enjoyed. I had a low key, stress free day....we skipped going to my aunt's and stayed home so that was a nice change. I'm in a food coma and just watched Lenny Kravitz bore the entire Jets crowd with that halftime show. The Godfather marathon on AMC is a much better choice of entertainment. Stores are already open for Black Friday. Fuck that noise, I'm polishing off this bottle of Sailor Jerry.
No, L'il Bandit was nowhere around at the time. I actually jumped into the "dog-fight," because I saw that rat-dog was losing badly. I got mud all over my clothes trying to pull the big dog off. Rat-dog looked shaken-up, but otherwise okay when he was getting washed off in the bathtub after the attack. I'm happy about it for two reasons: 1: It seemed to me that there were times that my ex-wife took better care of that dog (and other dogs ) than our own son. I've always joked about selling him to a Korean restaurant if he pisses me off enough, and I'd never miss him if he's gone. 2. That dog was "Getting too big for his britches." He would always try to boss around other dogs, no matter how big they were. My ex would take him everywhere, especially when other people had dogs. She thought they would get along. Her rat-dog would try to be the alpha male everywhere he went, and there had been more than a few occasions when his mouth tried to write checks his body couldn't cash, and she or someone else had to step in and break up the dog-fight. Nice try, Chompsky. My thighs are much hairier than that.
And now to prepare for the fuckery of the mega holiday that is Christmas. I got a couple of bah-humbugs in my pocket just waiting to get tossed out. I've already got a headache just thinking about. Prepare for idiots getting stampeded to death.
I don't know about you guys but I just spent my night shitting and puking my guts out. Jesus. This is not good.