Rave: hubs'work supervisor was only on site for a stint and is leaving. He offered us a fridge full of meat from the local slaughter house. I didn't look close but there was definitely some bacon in the mix. Must have been at least 20lbs of meats. We's about to have some red meats in the house!
Rave: finally getting my first colt revolver (Colt King Cobra), 7 years after my son was born who has the same name. of course, it wasn’t until several months after he was born that I realized the connection with my name being Sam. I might have brain farts sometimes. *edit* I get it you pricks. His name isn’t Colt King Cobra. No, you aren’t being original lol
Rant: In an act of desperation I posted on a specific interest local fb group page about finding a like-aged playmate for my kid. We go to the park all the time but it's not the same as personal interaction. The person who responded is an antivaxx, homeopathic medicine believing, super religious person. Why do East Oregonians gotta be so crazy?
Rant: kiddo has yet another fever...feels like the poor guy can't make it a week without catching something lately.
RANT: A large collision chain is moving into the area and expressed interest in purchasing my shop but let me know today that they're going to pass for a larger shop. It was a long shot but it definitely planted the idea of retirement in my head. RAVE?: Not 100% financially ready to retire. We could have made it work but we'd have to stick to a budget and budgeting sucks.
Rant: My ex and I split about a year and a half ago. We turned 36, her baby clock alarm went off, and we sat down and sketched out how that could work. Her family is a shitshow, my family is...less so, and my job demanded serious travel. I knew my deployments were hard for her, and I never wanted her to feel like a single mom. Her family is in GA, mine is in SC, about 2 hours away, which is a hell of a lot closer than MD. My family also had a spare house we could stay in while we figured shit out and she got her business together. Ultimately, she said no. I never fully processed it, because I immediately went into "Ok, get out of the way, so she can go find her baby daddy." I moved out, changed jobs, etc. We talked on the daily, rarely about anything important. We were together for 4 years, she was my best friend, and I'm grateful we were able to keep it light. When I nudged to see her in person, or to talk about anything more serious, she recoiled, threw up the dude she was seeing as an excuse, and I read between the lines and gave up. She's fine texting me cat pics and asking how I'm doing, anything more than that is too painful. I moved out and left a ton of stuff there that we had mutually acquired. She paid me off, so it's hers. Kink furniture, regular furniture, etc. She has family coming and was changing offices, and needed the space. She didn't know what to do with it, so I said "put it into a storage unit til you figure out what you want to do." $80/month, first month is free, and I gave her $100 (had to rent a trailer), so that's 90 days of decision time for $80. Cue me driving up to help her move this stuff. I dreaded this day, because I hadn't seen this woman for well over a year now. I knew it was going to be emotionally hard. I get to the house we used to share, and the first thought that assaults my brain is "Nothing has felt like 'home' since I left this place." We talk about how we're handling shit, and the second thought that falcon punches me in the gut is "this is as close to fatherhood as you ever will get....and you weren't good enough for it." In the course of the conversation, she brought up some of the mistakes I made that hurt her, or things that I wasn't completely truthful about (like providing support over the phone to a girl I briefly dated before her as she went through suicidal depression, an abortion and an abusive relationship....my rationale was she'd never believe me anyway, and I should be able to keep some things confidential without it being a relationship issue...like an idiot). I'm no angel, I did plenty of stuff to destabilize her trust, but neither was she, and once it was over, I never brought it up again. The whole 6 hours we spent moving stuff, I am a pressure cooker. It's going to burst out of me at some point, and I made it through the ordeal of moving all that shit, dropping her back off and I got to the end of the street and it just tore out of me. This was the first person after my ex-fiance split that I trusted and loved, and when it got real, I wasn't good enough. I have never hurt that much, because at least with the ex-fiance, I was already depressed and it just sort of felt numb, like a paraplegic getting stabbed in the leg: it hurt, but it didn't feel like I was losing anything. I helped fill her house with stuff, and I thought I was being responsible by helping her move it and deal with it all. I spent most of the last year and a half just trying to fill the her-shaped hole in my life, and failing miserably. What we had took time to build, and I didn't give anything else time to develop, I wanted to leap right back into "I live with my best friend, the love of my life, and it's incredible." I didn't process the rejection inherent in what happened, and was confused when I told my friend's wife what happened and she burst into tears. It was the most agonizing, excruciating, desolate feeling I could imagine. She's not a hateful person, her reason for saying no was that I never wanted kids and if she took me up on it, that I'd resent her for it. Throughout the whole process, we were kind, conscientous and supportive adults who had to part ways, and we behaved as such. We both knew it was hard, but for the best. It never clicked for her that I thought the "no kids" thing was mutual, or that if she wanted them, I would (or even could) change my mind. She thought I was humoring her, when the reality of it was I was too trapped in depression, self-hatred and fear to hope for something like fatherhood with a woman I loved and admired. She gave me a dream I denied myself and then took it away when we sketched out how I could make it real. So, I made it to the end of the street, and my chest just burst open. I never felt so alone and miserable. Just God awful. I'm sore, my eyes feel like they've been burned out, and my throat feels like it's coated in crushed glass. Right now, I'm letting my feelings do their thing, and I've had ample time to reflect on that relationship. It wasn't perfect, and while she is an amazing person, she's not without flaws. Today was easier and milder than yesterday, but.... God damn. That hurt.
Rant: So let’s recap my shitty awful no good day thus far, keeping in mind I s only mid afternoon- I woke up at about 1:30 a.m. and spent the next two hours wide awake having an existential crisis. I arrived at my office today to discover that 1) yet another employee here has resigned further complicating a major project and potentially putting me further underwater and 2) a former coworker of mine that I was friendly with died suddenly. He was several years younger than me. Now, I just submitted a proposal only to realize I submitted it 3 hours late. Fuck
RAVE: They called back and said they really want a shop in my area* and want to talk numbers next week if I'm still interested. RANT: Probably just getting my hopes up for some lowball number. *You can't open a new shop in my zip code due to changed zoning laws. From listening between the lines, it sounds like none of the other shops wanted to sell or their shop was smaller than mine or was located in a shitty location. My shop is smaller than they want but I'm on 2/3rds of an acre on the main thoroughfare which is highly desirable.
Rant. [Scene: 1 week ago] Me: Before you hit "go," be sure this is all correct. This can't be changed and will cost $$$. Let's double check everything. Coworker: Everything is ready. I double checked it all. [/Scene] [Scene: today] Coworker: I wanted to make a change, so I just deleted everything and recreated it. Me: That's not the way this works, I told you this can't be modified after creation. Coworker: Oops. Also, I emptied all of the recycle bins. Is that bad? [/Scene]
Rave: I am absolutely gobsmacked at how much my child loves grandma. Third visit ever. Kid has been obsessed all day and cried for an hour at bedtime (usually sleeps immediately) with intermittent cries of grandma until we sent her in to console and explain. Like damn
My daughter is the same way. Whenever my mom leaves after a visit, she’s fucked up emotionally for like 2 days. One time my mom took her for a walk at a park, and had arranged for my wife’s mother to surprise them there. Kid was blown away she got to spend the afternoon with both of them.
Rave: Lovin' my e-cargo bike more and more. Just hit 110 miles on it yesterday with about 3 battery charges so far.
RAVE: Heading off on a 2-3 week road trip towing a trailer across the country right when we have achieved all time record breaking high prices of diesel. RAVE: Don't care... still get to enjoy a vacation for the first time in a long time.
Rave: My second novel is released this weekend. I’m gonna enjoy the experience, catch up on some reading, and then I have four new projects in mind, one of which I fleshed out in my head last night while mowing. It was as if someone opened my skull and poured the ideas in.
RANT: Fucking neighbors have 9 cars. That's 9 adults living in a 3 bedroom house along with at least 6 kids. There is no parking in the neighborhood thanks to them. If I move my car from my parking space, they'll pull a car out of their driveway, put it in the spot I just vacated, and go back in the house. And, of course, they gap their cars to make sure they take up the maximum amount of space, so instead of getting 6 cars in an area they can easily fit in, only 4 cars are parked there.
Rave: Every year, around mid June, I've been wondering what the big get-together was in the next neighborhood over. Well, I found out it's an event for kids from the local Masonic Children's Home, they get come to the lake for a day of watersports and fun. We jumped at the opportunity to donate and volunteer. Can't wait, gonna be an awesome Tuesday.