RAVE: It is just ridiculous how much I love my wife, and the best part is she feels the exact same way. It's ridicutastic!
Rant- I might make this into its own topic on the Suggestions Forum about crazy people, but for now, let it just be here. Anyways, I have an account on Plentyoffish, a popular dating site, and on the weekends, received these random, insulting messages from a girl who I didn't recognize. It's a rare thing to get hate mail from strangers, but it's happened once or twice before in the last 18 months, so it's possible. I tell her to fuck off. What follows is one of the most vicious, insane, angry replies I have ever received from anyone. Turns out this girl had actually gone on a single date with me a little over a year ago. She was one of the very, very few girls who had completely lied about/concealed her physical appearance. She was legitimately over 400 pounds. Despite this, I didn't immediately bail, and the date was amicable enough. At the end, I told her I just wanted to be friends (and I meant it), and I could see she was genuinely crushed by this. Anyways, here she was, over a year later, writing this crazed piece of hatemail about how awful and terrible I was, how much she loathed me on our date, etc. None of the stuff jived with reality, and the part where she made fun of my looks were especially funny. I don't consider myself a handsome guy, but I am not joking when I say that she might have been the ugliest woman I have ever laid eyes upon beyond just her weight. There is not a human being on the planet who would say she is more attractive than me. Normally, I would have ignored this, but at the very end, she insulted a dead relative of mine. (I think I briefly mentioned this when she asked me about my parents on the date) I then foolishly took the psychopath's bait, and what followed is even loonier, complete with legal threats and a mention of having her uncle working for the San Jose Police Department. (Probably a complete lie) Around that point, I realized I was dealing with a completely insane individual, and needed to stop giving her the emotional currency she was seeking. Thankfully, this girl was too stupid to remember my real name, and never wrote down my number in any of my initial e-mails, so I'm not overly concerned with stalking. On the flip side, I have her complete name and phone number, and a copy of her deranged, threatening messages, so if there is any further craziness on her end, it's an easy call to the local police. This is the first experience I've ever had with a totally insane girl, let alone one I have dated. (Hell, I'm actually still friends with a lot of my ex's) And it was very unpleasant.
Actually, you know what, I'm just going to go on a multilayered rant because I can't sleep. I'm assuming this is going to be long and journaly, so it's spoilered. Spoiler Rant: Things have been generally melancholy lately. I know that's a theatrical way of putting it, but it's very accurate. I'm going to try to go in order from least worrisome to most. Rant: Every summer of high school, my dad and I went on this trip with one of my best friend's families to this island. The last time I went there was for a high school graduation celebration trip with a few of my friends. It's a really special place to me for a lot of reasons that I won't go into. This week, everyone who goes on the trip is up there except for me. I didn't go because I would have been something like the 9th wheel. My friend is bringing her boyfriend, and my dad's bringing his girlfriend, so I figured it might not be so fun for me. But I really miss that place, and it would have made me happy to go. I'm jealous. Also, I keep thinking about it, and I'm not sure I was ever actually invited. I'm sure I was implicitly invited, but I think I was told that it was happening and I decided I wouldn't ask to go. So, that's sad. Rant: Last week, my best pal here moved back to Boston to live with her girlfriend, which is totally gay. This week, my roommate that I became best pals with is moving out. He's just moving to the Upper East Side, but it's for getting his PhD in Curing Cancer so I doubt I'm going to see much of him from here on out. It just sucks because, while I still have some friends here, they were really the only two people that I could have a serious conversation with, like if I needed to discuss something I would post on the Rant and Rave Thread with someone in real life. Obviously, lighthearted and superficial friendships are fun and important, but I need people like that to function. My best friends don't live here, and none of us are the kind of people who would, say, have a heart to heart over the phone. Well, one of them was, but I've been feeling lately that I don't hold as important a role in his life anymore. It's feeling more and more like I have less and less of a place in his life, and it's becoming a real struggle just to talk to him at all, let alone for the conversation to run long enough to get to anything important. It feels a little lonely. Rant: I've been stuck in this weird and frustrating situation with this guy that I really like for the past two years. The shortest version possible is that we're both aware that we like each other a lot, but we're at this stand still because he's letting these issues he has with relationships and sex get in his own way. He also lives in the general area where I grew up instead of the city, so that adds some difficulty as well. In the past few months I have reached my breaking point because it has become so blatantly flirtatious that it's driving me nuts. I know we've reached a point where someone has to make some kind of definitive move, and I know that person has to be me. That role makes me anxious, and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it. I'm also nervous because this whole thing is banking on the concept of two fucked up people's issues aligning just so to make something work. But everyone has agreed that in some strange way we would be really good for each other. I just don't like the idea of getting past the initial scariness of trying to do something about it, succeeding with that, and then have everything implode catastrophically. But I would rather try than not do anything about it. Liking someone is awful. I'm kind of glad I've only felt this way about just this one person in a long fucking time. Rant: For I think the first time in my life, I've been feeling really directionless lately. I have always had a plan, and an idea of where my life was going and what I would be doing next. Up until a year ago, when I was trying very hard to follow that plan of working in magazines, there was a distinct path I could take: editorial assistant, assistant editor, editor. And there were options, too, of different magazines, or with a website, or on more of the business side of things. But, even though I've been hustling my ass off since graduating with freelance writing, since I haven't been able to afford to work for free for the first five years after school I have maybe a chance in hell of working in magazines. I thought there would be a similar career path with shifting my focus to nonprofit communicationsy things, but now I'm kind of stuck. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I just need to be paid at least twice as much and to have some benefits and I would be fine doing this for a while. But there really isn't any room for growth, like I was expecting. I think there may be more room for growth if I had worked for a particular center or affiliate, rather than for the federation, but there isn't really anywhere for me to go at Planned Parenthood from where I am now. And I just get this feeling that my next big step or move won't come from finding an ad for an opening online, sending in an application, and getting hired. I feel like I'm going to have to create it for myself. But I have no fucking idea what that would be. I have a lot of experience in a lot of different roles and industries and interests, but no clear defining path to take. I like sex health education a lot, but I think in order to pursue it outside of PP that I would need to get a new degree, which ain't happening. But the work doesn't really translate into experience that would be applicable for different positions. I just don't know what to do from here. And the frustrating thing is I had a great idea, and I worked really hard on it for a long time. I had a business plan that would have had me set for years. But I launched it two months ago and it has been zero percent successful. I'm so frustrated because I still have a lot of confidence in it, and think that if only people knew about it it would be successful, but nothing has worked to get the word out about it. I'm not giving up yet, but I've hit a wall with ideas on how to make this one work and I've yet to come up with anything else. Tl;dr I'm stuck.
Rant: Had our second math test this morning and every one of the five mistakes I made was a case of me going to quickly and not reading the fucking question. It's simple shit and I should be getting 100%. Another test tomorrow and maths is done and time for physics. Rave: Not failing.
Rant: Stuck in a rut. Bored, unemployed, pissed off at the bullshit family issues that are dragging everyone down and struggling to enjoy doing anything. Can't sleep for more than 2 hours, so I'm in a haze most of the day. This is going to continue for at least another week, possibly two and if I found a job tomorrow, I wouldn't start for at least a month. Double rant: I am about to convert to another religion (what would a viking worship?) to stop the incessant preaching and Christian babble that goes on around here. Just shut the fuck up already and keep it to yourself. Jesus might be your answer, but no one asked you a fucking question, you twat.
Rant: Everyone is pressuring me to go to graduate school, telling me its the "right" thing to do. The thing is, I have no desire to go get my MBA whatsoever.
Rant: Passive aggressive people in my neighborhood. I was walking our dogs this morning, and our lab mix dropped a deuce in someone's yard. Now, I'm a very respectful individual when it comes to this, and always pick up his waste. What I don't appreciate, is people who open their front door, stare at me while I'm picking up his shit, and then close the door, especially when I go out of my way to say good morning to you to be friendly. Got something to say to me? Cool. Tell me you don't want my dog shitting on your lawn, and I'll gladly make sure it doesn't happen again. Please don't just stand there in your doorway, not saying anything. Rave: Booked our flights to Germany for Christmas and New Years for a grand total of $1350. That's for two people! I'm pretty excited that we got it for so cheap! Rave: This means that we'll be there in time to go to the Christmas Market in Köln! Glühwein is awesome on a cold, crisp, winter day!
Rave: team America Rave: Louis CK selling his own tour tickets without ticket master. Rant: waking up at 6:30 makes me cranky. Rant: why are 5 hour energy shots $4? Is this the normal price or is it jacked way the fuck up in the financial district?
Rave: Kitchen reno continues. New countertops arrived this morning. Should be installed and ready to rock and roll by the time I get home from work. Rave: Fresh strawberries and blueberries everywhere. I love berry season. Rant: A good friend of my sister is in the hospital with a really severe brain bleed. His wife just had a baby two weeks ago. This is not good.
Spoiler'd for length and pity party. Spoiler RANT: About three months ago I had a guy revoked for failing out of three treatment programs. He was court ordered to complete treatment but kept getting kicked out due to his drug usage. Finally I had enough and wrote a warrant. When he came in to my office after his release from jail, I read him the riot act. And I distinctly remember yelling "You do realize if you don't stop using this shit, you're going to die, right? You're choosing this poison over everything and it's going to kill you." I got the usual "No, I'm changed, Officer Pink. I'm done, really." Not believing a damn word he's saying, I tell him I'm going to be watching like a hawk. Two weeks later, the 5-0's in the next county got him for new felony heroin charges. New felony charges mean I can have him resentenced and he'll serve serious prison time. I think prison might be a good idea. Scare him straight, get him off the junk, good deal. His father thinks this is unacceptable. He goes and hires this attorney that I cannot fucking stand because he's a sleaze and does shady shit behind everyone's back. Within a week of him hiring sleazebag attorney, I get an order on my desk. The prick went behind my back and the ADA handling the case and had this guy put into our drug court program, which is essentially an outpatient treatment we (probation) and the court monitors. I hit the roof. I warned a few of the drug court administrators including the ADA handling it that he was not to be accepted b/c he's already failed out of 3 treatment programs. My warnings went unheeded. Fine, sleazoid attorney wins one over on me. Today, I'm going about my business at work and get a text from the ADA in charge of drug court. Guy OD'd on heroin last week. Just celebrated his 33rd birthday and didn't even have a chance to start the drug program. When I read that, it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was absolutely devastating. I know in this line of work bullshit like this happens, and even if he went to prison there's no guarantee he wouldn't OD there. But when someone went behind my back despite my warnings and it turns out I was right? I have never wanted to be wrong in my life when it came to this situation. And to have yelled at him that death was lurking if he kept using and three months later I was right? Once again, have never wanted to be wrong so badly. And, of course, comes my guilt. Did I do enough? Should I have fought harder? Could I have helped him? I came to the conclusion on the way home that no, I could not and would not have done a damn thing differently. He was going to self destruct and there was nothing I could have done to stop it. Fuck this line of work sometimes.
RANT: I'm moving this weekend, which means I need to be packed up and ready to roll by Friday night. RAVE: New place is dope and my new room is going to have pretty much double the space of my current bedroom. RANT: Since I have to be out of my old place by noon on Saturday and can't move in till Monday morning, I'm more or less homeless the entire weekend. RAVE: Its supposed to be beautiful out and I have an all day booze cruise scheduled for Saturday. And I have extra incentive for some pretty young lady to have pity on my situation.
RAVE: College football now has a playoff system in place. We've only been asking for it for, oh I don't know, FOREVER. But still! Fuck yes, this just made my whole week.
Rant: Unfortunately this does not start until the 2014 season so they'll have plenty of time to fuck it up.
RANT: Email was hacked today, which was not a big deal until I saw the long list of people the spam was sent to. Not only have I had some massive falling outs with a couple of the people on the list, it was also sent to a girl on whom I have a restraining order as well as my to ex-fiancee's most current work address. Fuck me. I never think to delete people from contacts on that account because I barely use it to actually send an email. I'll use facebook or text or actually call them if I need to get in touch with them. This email account is my first account ever so the contacts list goes on forever. And of course seeing the ex's name on there just made my heart flutter and get a little pang of missing him sadness. The worst part is that I fully realize and admit that I actually hope he sees my addy on his inbox and that he sends me a "hey, heads up, you were hacked" email. Pathetic. RANT: Actually, I think that whole thing just adds to the weird reflection and nostalgia I've been feeling the past few days since I'm having knee surgery this week. High anxiety always makes me reflective. Damn it. RAVE: Even though I'm nervous, I'm so looking forward to going under the knife. Cut that shit open, see what's up, and fix it already. I just want to be able to dance by the end of the summer. RAVE: Hung out with the new "friend" over the weekend. He is a total game player, teaser, and shithead. He went to kiss me and within millimeters, stopped and said, "Hmmm, nah...we'll wait until after your surgery so we can have some real fun." I couldn't help but laugh. It was incredibly sexy and was the same shit I used to do to him years ago. My how the tables have turned! And my oh my how hot I find it.
RANT: Mom's husband has an unknown heart issue. They're inserting a dye tomorrow so they can see if it's a matter of a simple angioplasty a/o stint, or open heart surgery. They at least caught it before he had a heart attack, and as someone who has spent decades standing above the same table he'll be on tomorrow, he's very calm. I have my issues with the guy, but he's well-meaning and I wish him the best. RANT: there are two reasons that "Radio Gaga" is the only Queen song I actively dislike. One, it's the closest to a shit song Queen ever made. Two, radio fucking sucks. It was bad enough when they merely had a list of ten new singles that they were mandated to play at least once every hour. Then came the Ad Council commercials, which in addition to being absolutely pointless, serve as a reminder of how much the government likes to waste my money on pointless shit. Then came working at 7AM and having to choose between family-friendly morning shows, Bob and Tom, or extra-commercial-heavy local "new rock". Now, I like Fun. and I don't mind Gotye, but this shit is not rock. Whew. That one has been building for a while. RAVE: Still alive, breathing, and not dismembered. Also, my name isn't ballsack.
Rave: Arizona vacation has been awesome. I am 80% sure I will be moving here permanently by the end of the year. There is nothing I don't love about this state. Except the sports teams. Can't you guys win a championship in something? The Coyotes and Cardinals will be my home teams soon. Rant: Can't stand being around my family much longer. I'll be in Phoenix for the next 3 days. If there's any local TiBers or TiBettes that want to get a beer one night, let me know.