Rave jumping on a boat saturday for 3 days of tuna fishing, the trip is full but in the spirit of the Olympics, should any passenger be Nancy Kerriganed their spot is yours.
RANT: A very close friend of mine is getting married in December and I am her maid of honor. This is the dress she wants the bridal party to wear wear. She told us she chose it because she knew that none of us would look very good in it, but she doesn't want to have to "compete" with any of us. What-the-fuck-ever. One of the other girls is going to be almost 8 months pregnant when she has to squeeze herself into that dress. I'm no expert, but I just don't see it happening.
Rant: 105 temp today, so the heat index is going to go from "miserable" to "welcome to hell". My endocrine problems make me highly intolerant to heat, so it's going to be one of those days. I just keep reminding myself the other 10 months of the year compensate for this shit. Rave: Since I attended and presented at a conference on Saturday, I'm going to take some comp time today and leave after my staff meeting this morning, go home, and retreat to my bedroom that's a steady and cool 70 degrees. Rant: Lawn looks like shit. 20 minutes of watering per zone 3x week doesn't seem to be doing anything, but with watering restrictions due to drought conditions, not much I can do about it. At least I only have to mow every other week as a result.
Rave: I overheard a homeless dude on a cell phone today: "Remember that dollar you borrowed?"...long silence..."Yeah well, I really need it. Do what you can." I really wish I could of heard the other side of that conversation.
Rant: Rear ended on my way to work this morning by some woman who was following way to close. This is my second car accident in 2 months, and a shit-tastic way to start Monday morning. Rave: This one wasn't my fault!
RANT: As I'm taking off my PJs to get into the shower this morning something catches my eye. It is a motherfucking four inch cockroach ON THE FUCKING CEILING of my bathroom. I don't think I've ever showered so quickly in my life. Time elapsed: six minutes. I had to get ready in my room which is sans mirror because I'm in the middle of getting my furniture and it hasn't been delivered yet. My hair and makeup may have been way off today. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I heard it today - "You have some of the most violent felons to babysit and you're frightened of a bug?" YEAH, I AM, GODDAMMIT. RANT: Today was my 1st day back at work after a week in Florida with the boy. Voicemail was full, despite my outgoing message that I wasn't in the office (three messages were marked urgent...dumbasses), 40 emails, 15 warrants to write and 13 cases going to court this week, which involves a ton of mundane paperwork. I just did not have the energy to stay late today. This week is going to blow donkey balls.
Rant: There is no worse experience than flying to Asia from America. Rave: They should totally remake Swamp Thing. Think about the nostalgia for the rad 90's cartoon, how fucking awesome the modern SFX would look and you could get Donald Glover to play Jude and Ray Wise to make a cameo. Add some professional wrestlers as henchmen and inexplicable nudity and you've got yourself a blockbuster, cap'n! Rant: Sitting in the Chicago airport for 15 hours is making me delirious. When I think about why I am here, the only explanation is the punitive retribution of a deity I've irritated.
RAVE: Yay, out of town visitors! It's the only reason I go inside the perimeter. There's almost nothing I love more than getting fought over by homeless folk outside the pub. One of them even gave me a flower. RAVE: Date this Friday with the classmate I've been crushing on all summer. He's a hot ginger, which is like spotting a unicorn, and when he talks about factor analysis or centering data on the mean for an optimized regression model, I want to rip his clothes off. Rawr.
Rave: The other day I bought unsweetened almond milk in an attempt to be healthier. Fuck, that shit tastes awful. This is a rave because I finished the carton today. Oh delicious vanilla almond milk, how I've missed you. Rant: My lower back has been locking up at random times. This shit better stop. Rave: The last G+ hangout inspired me to download this bad boy on the Virtual Console. Holy hell I forgot how much fun this game is.
Rant: Just get me the fuck on the plane already. From a mass email my buddies send around, spoilered for length: Spoiler Hello gang: It's 4:30 in the morning, I'm in the Chicago airport and it's raining. I am on my way to Best Korea to start teaching again, in a city that no one I know can correctly pronounce. I should be studying Korean, but N's email read less like an update and more like a lazy homo proposition, so it warrants an actual update. You hipster twat-waffle. I feel guilty about listening to bands no one I know could lucidly identify, much less about wearing pants the same color of fruit and dating a French "woman". You sir, are courting the realm of one Richard Simmons with such utter faggotry. I'm not really sure what capris and tank tees are, actually, but the description makes me think you'd resemble a lower-level Pokemon. You DARE besmirch the awe-inspiring name of Juan Carlos to scheme on some flea-bitten wad of wasted carbohydrates while sporting PINK pants? I hope JC himself rides a velociraptor into your room while you sleep and beats you with the dozen dicks you must have been sucking. You shall forever treat the name Juan Carlos as the Latino equivalent to "Daddy Palladium Balls" or "He Whom With I Shall Never Fuck." As my friend the former marine would say, "You seem like the kinda fella who wouldn't draw a dick on someone's face when they passed out, you'd draw hearts and flowers on their scrotum." I've been in the US since Memorial Day, and it is totally time to go. If you don't believe me, google the words "Honey Boo Boo Bravo" and watch the sewage that remained after wiping Toddlers and Tiaras. I don't hate my country, but I'm slowly warming up to the idea every time I watch tv. I'm going my grad school online, which is as interesting as it sounds. What I can tell you is that it has quadrupled my porn consumption because I'm usually online reading some needlessly complicated fuckery. I have indeed written a paper on organizational management while listening to a woman getting fucked with what must have been a chainsaw-sized member probably belonging to a methed-out Backstreet Boy. Speaking of which, where the fuck is D? I 've been here two months, and not so much as a whisper. I'm assuming he's not speaking to me because of something I actually did, not because his mouth is full of N's childlike genitalia. In Best Korea, I'll be in the southwest. If any of you could be bothered to leave the US, I'll happily meet you on this side of the world. If you need a job, it could probably be arranged as well, I'm teaching adults conversation skills (skills that I do not, nor have ever possessed). Das Girlfriend (she of large-breasted lore) is following me to Korea in late September, to teach tiny tots. In three years of dating Das Girlfriend, the following seven weeks will be the longest we've been apart. Korea is the number one drinking culture in Asia and they don't believe in shaving bush. I finish my first term of school in 3 weeks. I am struggling to replace the football-shaped void in my heart with Das Girlfriend's chesticles and rugby, neither of which are working. These are all facts,and I hope you remember them in whatever prayers you may utter. In continuing the things that bewilder me, what the fuck is 50 Shades of Grey? I've read about 24030583404354 articles about how that book has changed sex, but I am in grad school, so I'll read for fun when I fucking DIE COLD AND ALONE, and who wants to read that shit, anyway. By the way, I had my first experience with a Brazilian steakhouse and it ended PRECISELY the way it did for the squawking twats in "Bridesmaids": in hot, angry, butt lava that reminded me I should not go to Latin America for the food any time soon. But, in 2014, anyone down for Brazil? I know the proverbial end is nigh when Honduras, who can't get a murder rate below, you know, countries that are actually at war, beat Spain in the Olympics. That, to me, is like my pee-wee football team beating the Goddamned Avengers at full-contact rugby. I've been to more weddings in 2 months (2, so shut up J) than in the past 5 years combined. I remain utterly baffled by this practice and I'm putting Das Girlfriend on a methadone ration of one wedding conversation per month. Both weddings I've attended were Catholic, and in case you never go to a Catholic wedding, just imagine a beheading in 19th century France, but instead of your head in the guillotine, they place your well-coiffed balls. I seriously watched a girl I wouldn't jerk off on in the dark elbow three girls in the tits to catch a bouquet of flowers. I would tell you that before you entertain thoughts of attending a Catholic wedding, you should attempt to tan and leather your own scrotum. Final thought: if you don't think rape is funny, picture any South Park character raping any other South Park character. It's hysterical. Keep in touch. DnD
Rant: Havent eaten anything more than a cupful of applesauce since last tuesday night (yes, 1 week without any solid food). Feel. Like. Shit.
Rant- Fuck those trying to turn the Chik Fila controversy back on the boycotters. I know you're trying to spin the wheel of rhetoric, hoping it points back to the boycotters, but it's not the same. The fundamental logic is wrong and you know it. Chik Fila and Truett Cathy are the real fags. I'd venture to say gay marriage will be legal within a decade, and suddenly the bigots will sulk back to hate something else in the name of their savior.
Rant: Things look to be on the outs with the girlfriend. Over the past couple weeks, she has been distant and cold. I'm preparing myself for the conversation that will have to happen in the very near future. This isn't something I wanted, but I can't take being treated like I'm less than a partner in the relationship.
RANT: My air conditioner has pretty much quit on me so now I have a bad case of the swalls[sweaty balls]. At least Amazon.com has a free 2 day shipping thing going on right now so I bought a new one.
Rave: My 2 day work week is complete!! Spending the rest of the week doing nothing but laying and drinking on the beach. Much needed girl time with my good girl friend without the boys!
Rave: MotoGP last weekend was fucking awesome. Even better than I expected. Rant: My favorite rider (Spies) crashed. Rant/Rave Wrote on to law review. Looks good to employers but is a fuck load of work. Everyone I've talked to only speaks of how much it sucks.
Rave: Bought a paddle board and paddle today. Rant: Total, it cost about $1500. Rant: I took it out to the beach and couldn't ride because the waves were too big. Rave: 3 day weekend this weekend so I'll get to paddle it up. Rant: I'm getting slowly shafted out of flight hours for one reason or another. The guy I joined the squadron with has about 15 more hours than me right now after only a few months. This doesn't mean much now, but down the road it will... Rave: I head to the boat on Thursday to get my carrier qualification.