Another day, another shit-covered maxi pad in the trash can in the men's room. What in the blue blazing fuck, Korea? How about getting 2 hours of sleep, then spending the next 20 hours next to a girl's high school in the midst of "Sports Day" with a megaphone and 600 screaming teenagers, combined with low-quality K-pop gibberish? Next up, let's go to Seoul for a holiday weekend, which I'm sure won't be crowded with the other 40 million inhabitants of this inexplicable country choosing to do inane shit on their first holiday in 4 months. God. Fucking. Cunty punt. Dammit.
Rave: My aunt came home from the hospital Saturday! Rant: My aunt came home from the hospital Saturday. Taking care of an Alzheimer's patient is....stressful. She spends all night talking to people who aren't there. During the day I pick her up out of bed and into her wheelchair, and visa versa at least 15 times a day. About half that many times on to the toilet and off. It's a handicapped toilet with a bucket I have to remove and clean. Blech. Her newest hobby is tearing all her clothes off in the middle of the night. Yay. In the time it took to type the above she's called for me twice This will continue all night. I've had about 6 hours of sleep since Saturday. A conversation between her and her physical therapist today: Him "Have you been walking?" Her "No." Him "Well why not?" Her "Because I can't. You're not very smart are you?" I cracked the fuck up. Old people without a filter are funny.
Rant: Multiple column woes for this issue. I accidentally totally missed my deadline, and will be turning it in a week late. My editor didn't seem too annoyed, but I still feel lame, especially when I'm not feeling so confident about this one. I only successfully set up an interview with 1 out of the 3 subjects, so I'm going to have to scrap the other two together out of research alone, which I never like doing. Also, I'll be having to write the whole thing between the hours of 1am and 6am tonight and tomorrow and, while I usually do my best writing at those times, it's not after working a ten hour shift that leaves me braindead and makes me want to do nothing but sleep, drink, or watch TV. Not to mention that this issue is going to be a special food issue and they said I could pitch as many additional articles as I wanted. I found an awesome topic and was really looking forward to it. I would have gotten to sit and listen to an old guy telling stories about the good ol' days, which is one of my favorite activities, and I had been coordinating everything with a younger guy that I started having a crush on and was looking forward to meeting. Plus, more money. But the old guy got sick and hasn't been able to reschedule the interview since then. So, it looks like I won't be able to make it happen and I'm bummed.
Rave Portland bachelor party was a success. I'm pretty sure 90% of my caloric intake over a period of 3 days was just booze and steak. Many homebrewed pony kegs were killed, and fun was had by all. Rave Some seriously relaxed strip club laws in Oregon, and a ton of great beer. It made San Francisco look lame and repressed by comparison. Not even kidding; There's more microbrew taprooms and random stripjoints than I can shake a wadded one dollar bill at. Me: (speaking to phone) Siri... 'Titties' Phone response: 'I found fifteen strip clubs... fourteen of them are fairly close to you' Me: (speaking to friend) So you're telling me that they're all fully nude, I can order food, and drink hard liquor? Friend: Yuuuuuup Me: I hate California... I just hate. Rave One guy in our group has a brother who's a limo-driver. He let us know the best spots to hit first. The first club we went to was relatively cheap but still pretty classy. Nothing but beautiful women who knew how to dance and pull off impressive acrobatics. Our group received a ton of special attention given that we were having fun, cracking jokes, and making people laugh. Rave After about three days of this. I came home, and immediately proceeded to fuck the girlfriend like she owed me money. I'm pretty certain that her approval of guys weekend just went up a few notches.
Rave The news continues to find only the smartest Americans to interview after tragedy strikes. In response to hearing of a young girl who was sucked out of her home during yesterday's tornado in Texas, a witness said, "Yeah, I heard her leg might've been decapitated." Rant Seems that a little girl might've lost her leg, or at the very least, severely damaged her knee. I'm sure there are others injured as well. Hope everyone down that way is ok.
Rant: Had to take a shit at a rest stop this morning, and was treated to this on the back of the stall door:
Rave: There is a small team of European ladies cleaning my house right now. This is easily the best decision of my entire life. Mini-rant: I feel like a total slacker sitting here in my yoga pants working on my laptop while they're scrubbing my toilets.
RANT: I hopefully thought my last professional architecture exam results would arrive in the mail today. I was told that the results were mailed on Monday morning from Baltimore. It's a simple little one 8 1/2" by 11" piece of paper in an envelope. It is going to Raleigh, NC. On a good day, you can drive from here to there in 5 fucking hours. It's Thursday and it's not here. I know I'm just nervous and being impatient but should a letter take four days to go a few hundred miles. Also, why the hell can't they just tell me over the phone. "Sir, you passed your last test and don't have to wait 6 months to retake or you failed, good luck next time." Also, why the fuck can't the board just email me the results. All the tests are digital. It takes weeks to get results when it could be graded by a computer and the results given right there. The governing organization, NCARB, needs to do their thing. Mail the info or whatever to the state board that you are testing. They do their thing and then mail it to the candidate. Dammit! Such a stupid rant but I'm so impatient. The waiting for this last test result is way harder than any of the others and feels worse than the studying and actual test.
Whomever invented fruit on the bottom yogurt needs a hot poker in the rectum. After using an acetylene torch to cut through the steel lid, I now have to stir my yogurt like some kind of culinary master. Stirring the yogurt wouldn't be a problem, were it not for the fact that this container has been filled to the brim. Hey Yoplait, do you know what displacement is, you frou frou French buttsuckers? I can't pick it up, because Lord knows that as soon as I put any pressure whatsoever on the side of the yogurt container, I will be bukakked by what is essentially spoiled milk. I HATE EVERYTHING TODAY.
RAVE: Best rant here for sometime. I'm still laughing. Thanks JJ! Also, may I suggest some Pamprin or Midol? Mmmk.
Rave Feeling like my old self again after a few years of not. Rant Feeling like my old self means I make some stupid decisions that devolve into horribly awkward situations. Example: Telling my sister why I blow her off. I blow her off because her husband pisses me off and I hate being around him. Why in the fuck did I tell her that? I should've taken it to the grave. Fuckin eh. You'd think that because I have enough self control not to say these things 99% of the time the other 1% I wouldn't either. But no, I don't think these things through. Being impulsive has some sizable consequences, thank God I don't have criminal tendencies.
Rant: How has junk mail (and spam email for that matter) not been made illegal. No, Nestle, I don't want a free 60 day trial of your "life water" cooler bottles in my home. Dicks. Kill yourselves.
Rant: my girlfriend officially owes me anal for shangheing me into going to this international festival. The only reason I'm here is because I just HAD to bring baby girl or she would be stuck in class while every child of parents who actually love their kids would get to enjoy food and fun. But it was a damn trap all the kids are out here screeching in semi-unison. I could be playing Halo right now. Also would it fucking kill these people to communicate what's going on with our kids? If I ask three different people where I'm supposed to go...CLEARLY I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHERE IM SUPPOSED TO BE...the mature adult thing to do is provide me this information. It is not to send me all around the damn school where the next person can snickeringly give me more bad information. Fuck not even 10 and I want beer.
Rant: I broke my clavicle six weeks ago today and I am so fucking tired of the pain! My dr. said it could take as long as 12 weeks for it to heal and even worse, 4 months before I can work out the way I prefer. I will be so glad when it's healed and I can start feeling normal again. Brutal. Rave: I'm going to see The Shins on Tuesday - I cannot wait!! That should help me forget about my pain for awhile.
Rant: My dog chewed his way into a box of milk bones this morning, ate a bunch, and has been farting nonstop since. My house smells like someone filled a tire full of used diapers and lit it on fire in the living room. I don't think it'll be safe to light a match for awhile.
RAVE: I'm an architect. I just received my seventh pass letter. No more exams to take.......EVER! I'm now certified as an interior designer. I'm LEED accredited. And, once I get my follow up letter with my license application info, I can pay $68 and will be a licensed architect. The unholy trifecta for my profession. I'm no longer Art Vandelay! I'm an honest to goodness architect. Damn, I'm going to be drinking well tonight!
Rave: I was going to post a rant, but it just seemed so paltry compared to Backroom's. A piece of junk mail! Oh, the horror. Life can be so cruel at times.
RAVE: We have a drive-in nearby, and it's dog friendly! Took the kids, wife and Callie to see Oz and Iron Man 3 last night. Rant: It's kinda annoying to bring a large dog to the drive in. She was driving us nuts all night. Get up, lay down, move, lay down, sit up, lay down. Every time a bag of candy or whatever slightly rustled, she had to get up and inspect it. Semi-rant: Was a bit disappointed by both movies. My expections for Oz were slightly better than meh, and I frankly expected Iron Man 3 to be amazing, and it just wasn't.