I agree with shimmered's take on PDA and affection and its important. Hell some of that stuff I've heard girls consider foreplay. It also cools off that "Is the only reason you want to touch me for sex?" crap. On top of the fact there is biochemical reasoning for the touching to create the bond etc. If you're out in public and not with people, go nuts. I don't care. There are a few times PDA is bad and its when you're with friends that don't have SOs or SOs there. I hate girls who get overly PDA when its them, their bf, and all his friends. Tone that shit down. And even vice versa. If you're around other couples cool, but otherwise don't be gross. Also someone posted that "people get married without even liking the other person" that is too fucking true. I've heard single girls say shit like "By 25, I'm going to be married and have a kid." "Uh, are you dating anyone now?" "Nope." "Um, how old are you?" "23." "Good luck with that." Timelines and shit like that is ridiculous." Also, people in flyover country, like Kansas, people married by 21-22 is routine. My gf is unmarried at 27, people look at her like she's a pariah and she can't find any single girls her age to hangout with.
No you haven't. If you had, you wouldn't Eeyore it all over the boards the way you do. I honestly don't understand. Are you telling me you are so functionally useless that you can't contribute SOMETHING to any kind of relationship? You're THAT uninteresting, unlearned, unintelligent, unemotional, dull, sexless, inexperienced, and shut down? REALLY? Really really? REALLY?? And, from what I see, you refuse to help yourself...refuse to get up and do SOMETHING to at least enjoy breathing the air and using oxygen. Come on. Stop the pity party and self flagellation and DO SOMETHING with yourself.
What is it that's over the top? When I think over the top, I assume we're talking tonsil licking and wandering hands, but other people think hand holding and leaning into one another is over the top.
Spoiler-ed for side-topic. Spoiler Anything beyond hand holding and pecks on the lips or cheeks really. Because if it is the guy and his friends, they're not there for that. It comes down to time and place, your (general here) love and affection is great, but if it makes people uncomfortable and you really don't need to do it, in this specific situation, don't. I have this one friend Charles and his wife Crystal. Me and 3 other guys get together like once every 6 months to catch-up, play old fighting games, and kick it. His apartment is in the central location so we always meet there. Crystal will constantly come over for kisses, sit in his lap, and all this other PDA stuff that just ruins the flow of everyone hanging out. They live together, we only see him once every 6 months for like 3 hours max. She can wait 3 hours to not do any of that stuff. Yes its her home etc, but come on. It is not hard to hold off on doing something that more often than not makes people uncomfortable. Now if we had our girls there, go balls out. It's just a balance thing. Also D26, I have heard the whole thing about the guy doing things the gal is tasked with doing ramping up the horny. Like house cleaning and laundry, not for the sake of OCD all, but for the sake of thought. So I think that also might be a more common thing.
Ok. So she's there making sure she's got enough of his attention that he never focuses on y'all. That's completely different. That's a girl being insecure. That's not a man and a woman being affectionate.
If guys don't do any cleaning at all around the house and its not just them living there then they're assholes. I vacuum not as a good deed, but because I can kick my wife's ass at it.
But you could argue that alot of PDA isn't spontaneous displays of love and affection, but external validation for people that you're in a relationship or whatnot. Think about it. I remember the sort of awkward or nerdy kids in HS would be the ones, when in relationships, that would waltz around the school with hands in pockets and intertwining their fucking bodies like ivy. I can't see that being strictly cause they were SO into each other. I see it similarly with my friends. I have a friend that had been single for awhile that recently started seeing a girl. They are the most touchy feely couple in the circle and are often just outside of the conversation/group, while pawing at each other. Its not a coincidence that he is smug about his new relationship status, already calls her by nicknames to us like she's been around for years, and looks upon single people with a sort of misguided pity. Those are the kind of PDAs that people get annoyed by. Walking and holding hands, cool. A kiss here and there, cool. Maintaining contact 95% of the time you're around in other in a group setting? Give me a fucking break. When my married friends kiss here and there, arriving or leaving, etc... I jokingly yell things. When aforementioned couples canoodle, I just cringe.
Don't misunderstand by thinking I do no housework. I generally cook on days my wife works, we alternate cleaning the kitchen or giving our kid a bath every night (always her choice of what she prefers to do that particular day), I clean up after the kid every night, which basically consists of picking up the living room and my daughter's new play room, and I usually take care of the jobs she absolutely hates (garbages, lawn in the summer, shovel in the winter, cleaning the bathrooms twice a week, etc). She definitely does more housework than me, but she also works 20 hours a week (2 days) to my 50. When I get time off, I do more. That said, if I am trying for even a possibility of sex on a weeknight, I'd better man sure that house is fucking spotless, so she can relax and not be stressed over it. On the weekends she is a little more relaxed because she knows I'll be home to help her.
Things should be kept even at home, but not by using spreadsheets or data. If one person works at a job exceedingly more, then that means the other should probably do more around the house. It's a common sense fairness most people I hope would agree with. Then there's shit like this: My wife has a friend who because she's a homemaker her husband refuses to do ANYTHING around the house. I mean she does all chores, cooking, and every single thing that has to do with effort involving their two kids. He works and that's all he has to do. One. Hundred. Percent. Bullshit. Raise your hand if you work 40 hours and STILL have lots of shit to do when you get home. Just because you make enough to provide for the house it excuses you from doing every single other thing? He sleeps 11-12 hours a night. Fuck right off.
We go through phases where we do it every day, then we'll let it slip to 3 times a week, then go back to every day, etc... Usually when it slips it's because one of us is super tired or we are really busy, but neither of us get annoyed when that happens. I know I can't go back to a once every week or two sex life, I was there for a while and it was unbearable. I let things that normally wouldn't bother me really get under my skin. It wasn't fair to her and it wasn't fair to me, luckily she dumped me because I was young, dumb, thought I was in love and didn't think a sparse sex life was that detrimental to me. I was even thinking of marrying her, yikes.
I think you're working under the assumption that I'm talking nonsense. I'm really not. I have little to no time or patience for people or relationships and all the associated bullshit. Interacting with others on a messageboard is about my limit for social interaction, since there is not much here that people can do to annoy me, as opposed to standing on me, spilling drinks on me, interrupting me, pushing me out of the way, etc. that seems to happen at other social interactions with regularity. If you manage to interact well with others, then good for you. It's not easy like that for everyone. I find people to be exhausting. I may well be too apathetic to lie and to answer your four reallys', yes. Really. I feel complete apathy for most others and when I do try to connect with someone, I get shunned or made fun of by that person and their entire group. I have lost count the number of times this has happened. There is no point when the outcome is always the same. People here keep saying "get some self-confidence" (Nom, shimmered, some others) or something to that effect. How the fuck do I do that when all I get from other people is shit when I do make an effort? Why the fuck bother when, again, the outcome is always the same and people get their nice laugh at the fool who keeps trying? I was trying to show a different opinion and I am tired of being kicked down for having opinions that differ from the norm. No more posting on these sorts of threads. I manage to keep quiet most of the time around other people, I think I shall start doing so here too. Time to stop trying.
What's with the self-defeating attitude? Did you consider the fact that people give you so much shit because you're half expecting it? Have some conviction in your life and take a stand for something. No one gives two shits about your little pity party and all you'll end up with is a self-fulfilling prophecy of celibacy. Shit happens, people are assholes. But if you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else?
There's always a way. Fat kids would beat up the smaller at recess. Or go to the mortuary at night and beat up dead people. Fuck, just go on a dating site and not say any of this Break-up poetry emo shit you keep spilling. Whenever you talk about yourself it's every song by The Cure at once. Do drugs. Get shitfaced and travel. Stay in hostels with interesting wild-eyed nutbags from all over the world who will show you how to act and who have "seen some shit" and then go see that shit.
Well that's your problem in a nutshell. You talk about being celibate and alone, and you say that you're ok with it, and that you've accepted it. And you know what, if it sounded like that were true, and that you really were happy being alone, I don't think anyone would comment much on it. But that's not the case. When you say things like: it's pretty easy to read between the lines and see that you're not happy, you've just given up. You think you're so shitty that there's no point in even trying, so fuck it, you'll just complain about your asthma online and call it a day. What I'm (we're) saying is that, if you're not happy, try to change. "But I have tried, and I suck." I know Durb, I know... but you don't suck. Maybe you're weird, but fuck it, you have just as much right to be here as anyone else. If people give you shit for making an effort, that's their problem. Fuck them, this is about you. I don't know you, and maybe my assessment of you isn't spot on, I don't know. But as someone who has dealt with (and continues to deal with) self esteem issues, I urge you to not give up. That's a toxic attitude, and I bet you know that.
See mate, the difference is you can't have it both ways. You can't proclaim some sort of gloriously detached attitude of people being "exhausting" and you having some sort of social hard wiring that makes it impossible for you to get along/be loved/etc... and then at the same time, complain or make comments about how there is nobody out there for you. If you really truly dont give a damn about the assorted bullshit, you would just come here and comment on soccer, cricket, and assorted Rants about how shit is too expensive or the Southern Hemisphere is too damn hot in December. Instead you jump into anything playing on human emotion and express how you have little or that people dont get you for the precious little uniquely anti-social creature that you are. Like Scotchcrotch said, you really expect others to embrace you when you openly say you have apathy towards them and simply being a social being is "exhausting"? You're spewing bullshit out both ends. Clearly at one point in your life, something was going well enough that you had an encounter of a sexual nature, misguided and scarring as it may have been. Its not like you were autistic from birth. Tap into what was different then instead of bitching about what's happened since. Or don't, we don't frankly give a fuck. Just don't respond to occasional frustrated outbursts to your drivel with commentary that acts like we're stupid.
Oh my god yes. I'm not saying get confidence. I'm saying find something you enjoy and are passionate about and live for it. I'm saying fucking live instead of sit and whine and Eeyore about how shitty life is while ALSO talking about how exhausting it is to live life. I'd wager that most of us here are somewhat socially awkward - if we weren't we'd probably spend less time here. I'd wager that many of us find interactions with stupid people tedious, and overexposure to people tiring. You're not unique. The reason people don't like you is because you don't like you, and you refuse to even try (as you said) to like yourself or other people. So by all means, post away about whatever, but don't expect any of us to look at you and take you seriously.
Not to rain on this help Durby parade, but I don't think Durbanite is going to change due to the advice you well intentioned people give him. I imagine he'll keep acting the same regardless of what people say on here.