Shit My Dad Says

My friend's dad on dating: I like 'em small. I like to stick it in soft, let it get hard, and listen to the bones snap.

 

At my brother's wedding. The mother in law introduced my dad by saying he was "a man of few words."

He then shrugged, nodded his head, and took off for the bar.

 

"Who in the fuck is Tila Tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."

 

When I was bitching about having to take Spanish in high school, my Dad gave me these words of wisdom: "If the Mexicans can learn it, so can you."

 

My dad, when something stinks:
"God damn, that'd knock a buzzard off a shitwagon!"

When something is hot:
"Shit, that thing's hotter than a two peckered owl!" (Whatever the fuck that means.)

On having to take a shit:
"Shit's the heaviest thing in the world, you know. Even elephants can't hold it."

 

Mum: Did you hear about (my sister's) friend coming over? It's 10 o'clock!
Me: I guess you don't have to make him anything.
Mum: Who said I was making him anything? Tell him to eat his own dick.

My Sister: This architecture assignment is bullshit! Listen to this: They want it to be humble yet ostentatious, industrious yet organic....dynamic yet stable?
Mum: I'll tell you what. Tell them to get ass-fucked, but yet NOT ass-fucked.....ass-rim fucked! *satisfied smile*

I cut my own hair (because I'm retarded) and asked her to fix it up:

Mum: How did you cut the back? Seriously, how the fuck did you do that? Napoleon couldn't strategize for that. Are you sure you want me to fix it? You don't want to sell it as Modern Art?

 

My dad owned his own store when I was a kid and we lived in Florida. Anytime someone would leave that he thought was kind of dim-witted, he'd advise "Watch out for the ice" as they were leaving.

 

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, joke 'em if they can't take a fuck
-sure, I later found that the bastard stole this from someone else but hey, when you're 5 everything your dad says is prophecy (or you get your ass beaten).

 

My Dad insisted it was impossible to love an animal, in his later years he found it impossible not to well up when reminded of his bulldog 'Boy' who got run over.

 

"You need counseling."

I hear that one a lot, along with a bunch of random Thomas Jefferson quotes that have nothing to do with the topic at hand.

 

Dad: "Y'know why is camping is so exciting?"

Me: "Uhh..."

Dad: "Because it's in-tents."

21 years of this.

 

Lately he's been answering questions that he would normally say yes to with "does a wild bear shit in the woods" or "is a turtle's ass water-tight."

When I was in high school he overheard me talking with some friends about a girl and blurted out "boy, you couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack of bananas!"

 

When my dad sees an attractive woman who's with a fat/ugly man, he always says:

"I bet that guy has a ten-inch tongue and can breathe through his ears."

 

on a similar note:

in agreement with anything "thats outstanding, if that were a farmer it'd be outstanding in its field"

awesome dad...awesome

 

Anytime my sister or I would forget something, or something wasn't done out of an oversight...

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

 

Regarding women:

Son, women are like busses, a new one comes every 15 minutes

 

on a girl leaving you (though I'm sure that hasn't happened to many here....)

"son, you can't make them want to say with you, you can only make them wish they had"

 

Never pick a fight with a man with tattoos on his knuckles or his face. The odds are he is tougher then you.

The single greatest piece of advise I have ever received.

 

From my friends dad regarding a slut he seen when were driving down the road:
"If she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she had stuck in her, shed look like a porcupine"

A friend regarding the girls at my school:
"All the girls at my school are like parking spaces, either taken, handicapped or somone is pulling out of them"